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Old 05-03-2001, 09:15 PM   #41
Vaskez
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Join Date: April 30, 2001
Location: szép Magyarország (well not right now)
Posts: 5,089
In a certain small town the cops decide they have had enough of everyone making jokes about them. They decide to invent a new law that anyone who is seen telling a cop joke will be punished. They begin to keep everyone under watch and extra police are put on duty to enforce the new law.
One evening a young couple is walking in the park. They stop and the man whispers into his girlfriends ear:
- What is the diffence between a cop and a monkey?
Immediately a cop jumps out of a nearby bush:
- Well what?! he shouts menacingly
The young man immediately puts on an innocent expression:
- err, nothing, nothing
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Old 05-03-2001, 09:18 PM   #42
Vaskez
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Everyone who I've told that last one to has stared at me blankly for the first 2 seconds and then burst out laughing. For some reason that one takes a while to click....
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Old 05-03-2001, 09:21 PM   #43
Staralfur
Baaz Draconian
 

Join Date: April 8, 2001
Location: Nottingham, UK
Age: 40
Posts: 786
For all you Scotsmen and women out there...


Tony Blair is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital. Towards the end of his

visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of

injury. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:


"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!

Aboon them a' ye tak your place,

Painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o'a grace.

As lang 's my arm."


Tony, being somewhat confused, grins and moves on to the next patient and greets

him. He replies:

Some hae meat, and canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

And sae the Lord be thankit."


The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

Thou need nae start awa sae hasty,

Wi bickering brattle!

I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,

Wi murdering pattle!"


Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks "What sort of ward is this, a

mental ward?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."


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Old 05-03-2001, 09:23 PM   #44
Vaskez
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The police chief orders 2 of his officers to measure the height of a post in the courtyard. The 2 go outside a begin racking their brains. One of their collegues walks by and says:
- Hey boys, why don't u knock it down and then measure it?
- You idiot! He told us to measure the height, not the length!
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Old 05-03-2001, 09:29 PM   #45
Staralfur
Baaz Draconian
 

Join Date: April 8, 2001
Location: Nottingham, UK
Age: 40
Posts: 786
This one isn't so funny, but, well you'll see....


What's the difference between a duck?
-
-
-
-
-
-
One of its' legs are both the same.


Not very funny, but seeing peoples faces when you tell them.... I can see you all now thinking; 'HUH?!?!??!??' right now.
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Old 05-03-2001, 09:35 PM   #46
Staralfur
Baaz Draconian
 

Join Date: April 8, 2001
Location: Nottingham, UK
Age: 40
Posts: 786
Last one from me tonight - because mine aren't getting any better;

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on
his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink
waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day
approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.
Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on
the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
exclaimed, This isn't a hazelnut daiquiris" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender,
"it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."


Now that's bad
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Old 05-03-2001, 09:49 PM   #47
Vaskez
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Yes that is very bad. I hope you're not saying that my jokes are bad and so u can also post bad jokes? hehe

Anyway....

- Look dear, I got a new pair of shoes today!, boasts the cop to his wife
...but I can't wear them for another few days yet.
- How come?
- The sales assistant said that they might be a bit tight for the first few days.
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Old 05-03-2001, 09:51 PM   #48
Vaskez
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Join Date: April 30, 2001
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Posts: 5,089
- Dad, I heard a good cop joke yesterday.
- But son, I'm a cop as well.
- Oh ok, I'll say it a bit slower then.

[This message has been edited by Vaskez (edited 05-03-2001).]
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Old 05-03-2001, 10:01 PM   #49
Vaskez
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Posts: 5,089
How did the cop's wife die?
She was ironing the curtains and fell out the window.
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Old 05-03-2001, 10:17 PM   #50
Staralfur
Baaz Draconian
 

Join Date: April 8, 2001
Location: Nottingham, UK
Age: 40
Posts: 786
Quote:
Originally posted by Vaskez:
Yes that is very bad. I hope you're not saying that my jokes are bad and so u can also post bad jokes? hehe
With jokes like mine I don't think it's fair of me to judge other peoples!

Anyway, I know far worse ones than that, so don't tempt me.
(for evidence see Cloudys pet jokes thread)

[This message has been edited by Staralfur (edited 05-03-2001).]
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