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Old 05-08-2001, 01:11 PM   #1
Larry_OHF
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Midlands, South Carolina
Age: 44
Posts: 14,759
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane)doesn’t stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.


------------------

Larry, a Loyal Guardian of the OHF
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Old 05-08-2001, 03:12 PM   #2
Draconia
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Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Utah
Posts: 581
Some of those are scary. Especially since I have a 6 yr old, a 4 yr old and a 1 yr old. I shudder at the thoughts.

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Draconia, Dragon Queen
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Old 05-08-2001, 03:30 PM   #3
Sazerac
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Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Monroe, LA
Age: 56
Posts: 7,387
I knew there was a reason I didn't have kids!

AAAUUUUUUGGHHHHH!!!



(it's only a nightmare, it's only a nightmare!)

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Old 05-08-2001, 04:01 PM   #4
bilqis
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: WA, USA
Age: 63
Posts: 1,328
Been there, done that, got a closet full of t-shirts.

Still is a cute one tho.

------------------

Sometimes I think I
understand everything,
then I regain consciousness.

Happy Member of Fast Fourward.
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Old 05-08-2001, 04:38 PM   #5
Moiraine
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Up in the Freedomland Alps
Age: 56
Posts: 2,474
As I am a kinda sadistic Mum, I have printed these for my 10 years old kid to read, so that :
1) He improves his English
2) He grieves at all the silly things he didn't and couldn't do (no waterbed, no ceiling fan ...)



------------------


The world is my oyster !
And now I have the knives to open it ...
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Old 05-08-2001, 04:38 PM   #6
Moni
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Well, the "thunderstorm" approaching looks like it may be dying out before it gets here...I am so bored! Can't paint, can't glaze, kitchen & floors are clean and laundry is done...I HAD to come back and read through the threads!
Will stick around as long as it is only sprinkling and there is no thunder or black hail filled clouds.

Since I WAS one of those kids as described above, I want to add to the list LOL:

Dachunds look sad when you put them into a dryer with a window and then stand there and laugh at them.

Bologna Races (sticking a piece of bologna to the wall and whoever's stays up the longest wins) leave bologna shaped spots on the wall that can't be covered by painting over them since the oil soaks through the paint. You will have to panel that wall in order to hide the spots.

Indoor watermelon fights CAN be cleaned up in less than twenty minutes when someone notices mom will be home soon and you know you will get your a$$ beat if she sees the mess of rind, fruit, juice and seeds that goes from one end of the house to the other.

Bird houses on tall poles will fall over when enough kids climb them at once.

Cake making should be supervised by an adult so that little sisters don't get their faces icing'd when the bigger sister just happens to make a color of icing that matches the little sister's shirt.


Bedsheets DO make good parachutes!

heh heh heh


Moni

 
Old 05-08-2001, 04:58 PM   #7
Staralfur
Baaz Draconian
 

Join Date: April 8, 2001
Location: Nottingham, UK
Age: 40
Posts: 786
Remember what Ziroc said about kids reading messages on the board. We don't want to give them any ideas now do we.

V. funny though - reminds me of myself a few years back. Except for I did things like take my Dads' handheld donkey kong apart. It took him 2 and a half hours to get it working again.
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Old 05-08-2001, 05:02 PM   #8
Moni
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OK OK

P.S. The bedsheets don't work for kids not willing to jump off the rooftop or for kids who surpass the weight limit and land hard enough to break something!

Kids, don't try any of the above at home! Or ANYWHERE ELSE for that matter!


Moni



[This message has been edited by Moni (edited 05-08-2001).]
 
Old 05-08-2001, 05:52 PM   #9
Fljotsdale
Thoth - Egyptian God of Wisdom
 

Join Date: March 12, 2001
Location: Birmingham, West Mid\'s, England
Age: 83
Posts: 2,859
That is SO funny and, oh, so scary, Larry_OHF!! So very glad my children are all adults, and my grandchildren are NOT my responsibility, lol!
I always thought my children were little demons, but they were angels in comparison! ANGELS!

------------------
Smile! Life is too short for bitching!

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