More Monty Python?

[skywalker]

Confuse-a-Cat

The cast:

MR. A
Michael Palin
MRS. B
Terry Jones
VET
Graham Chapman
SERGEANT
Michael Palin
GENERAL
John Cleese

The sketch:

(Elderly couple, Mr A and Mrs B are staring through french windows at a cat that is sitting in the middle of their lawn motionless and facing away from them. A car is heard drawing up.)
Mr A: Oh good, that'll be the Vet, dear.

Mrs B: I'd better go and let him in.

(Mrs B: goes out and comes back into the room with the Vet)

Mrs B: (stage whisper) It's the Vet, dear.

Mr A: Oh very glad indeed you could come round, sir.

Vet: Not at all. Now what seems to be the problem? You can tell me - I'm a Vet, you know.

Mrs B: See! Tell him, dear.

Mr A: Well...

Mrs B: It's our cat. He doesn't do anything. He just sits out there on the lawn.

Vet: Is he ... dead?

Mr A: Oh, no!

Vet: (to camera dramaticaly) Thank God for that. For one ghastly moment I thought I was... too late. If only more people would call in the nick of time.

Mrs B: He just sits there, all day and every day.

Mr A: And at night.

Mrs B: Sh! Almost motionless. We have to take his food out to him.

Mr A: And his milk.

Mrs B: Sh! He doesn't do anything. He just sits there.

Vet: Are you at your wits' end?

Mrs B: Definitely, yes.

Vet: Hm. I see. Well I think I may be able to help you. You see ... (he goes over to armchair, puts on spectcles, sits, crosses legs and puts finger tips together)... your cat is suffering from what we Vets haven't found a word for. His condition is typified by total physical inertia, absence of interest in its ambience - what we Vets call environment - failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli - a ball of string, a nice juicy mouse, a bird. To be blunt, your cat is in a rut. It's the old stockbroker syndrome, the suburban fin de siècle ennui, angst, weltschmertz, call it what you will.

Mrs B: Moping.

Vet: In a way, in a way ... hum ... moping, I must remember that. Now, what's to be done? Tell me sir, have you confused your cat recenty?

Mr A: Well we ...

Mrs B: Sh! No.

Vet: Yes ... well I think I can definitely say that your cat badly needs to be confused.

Mrs B: What?

Mr A:Sh! What?

Vet: Confused. To shake it out of its state of complacency. I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service. Here is their card.

Mrs B: (reading card) Oooh. 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited'.

Mr A: 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited'.'

Mrs B: Oh.

(Cut to large van arriving. On one side is a large sign readling 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited: Europe's leading cat-confusing service. By appointment to...' and a crest. Several people get out of the van, dressed in white coats, with peaked caps and insignia. One of them has a sergeant's stripes.)

Sergeant: Squad! Eyes front! Stand at ease. Cat confusers ...shun!

(From a following car a general alights.)

General: Well men, we've got a pretty difficult cat to confuse today so let's get straight on with it. Jolly good. Thank you sergeant.

Sergeant: Confusers attend to the van and fetch out... wait for it... fetch out the funny things. (the men unload the van) Move, move, move. One, two, one, two, get those funny things off.

(The workmen are completing the erection of a proscenium with curtains in front of the still immobile cat. A and B watch with awe. The arrangements are completed. All stand ready.)

Sergeant: Stage ready for confusing, sir!

General: Very good. Carry on, sergeant.

Sergeant: Left turn, double march!

General: Right men, confuse the ... cat!

(Drum roll and cymbals. The curtains draw back and an amazing show takes place, using various tricks: locked camera, fast motion, jerky motion, jump cuts, some pixilated motion etc. Long John Silver walks to front of stage.)

Long John Silver: My lords, ladies and Gedderbong.

(Long.Tohn Silver disappears. A pause. Two boxers appear. they circle each other. On one's head a bowler hat appears, vanishes. On the other's a sterve-pipe hat appears. On thefirst's head afiz. The stove-pipe hat becomes a stetson. The fez becomes a cardinal's hat. The stetson becomes a wimple. Then the cardinal's hat and the wimple vanish. One of the boxers becomes Napoleon and the other boxer is astonished. Napoleon punches the boxer with the hand inside his jacket. The boxer falls, stunned. Horizontally he shoots off stage. Shot of cat, watching unimpressed. Napoleon does one-legged pixilated dance across stage and off, immediately reappearinng on other side of stage doing same dance in same direction. He reaches the other side, but is halted by a traffic policeman. The policeman beckons onto the stage a man in a penguin skin on a pogostick. The penguin gets halfway across and then turns into adustbin. Napoleon hops off stage. Policeman goes to dustbin, opens it and Napoleon gets out. Shot of cat, still unmoved. A nude man with a towel round his waist gets out of the dustbin. Napoleon points at ground. A chair appears where he points. The nude man gets on to the chair, jumps in the air and vanishes. Then Napoleon points to ground by him and a small cannon appears. Napoleon fires cannon and the policeman disappears. The man with the towel round his waist gets out of the dustbin and is chased off stage by the penguin on the pogostick. A sedan chair is carried on stage by two chefs. The man with the towel gets out and the penguin appears from the dustbin and chases him off. Napoleon points to sedan chair and it changes into dustbin. Man in towel runs back on to stage and jumps in dustbin. He looks out and the penguin appears from the other dustbin and hits him on the head with a raw chicken. Shot of cat still unimpressed. Napoleon, the man with the towel round his waist, the policeman, a boxer, and a chef suddenly appear standing in a line, and take a bow. They immediately change positions and take another bow. The penguin appears at the end of the line with a puffof smoke. Each one in turn jumps in the air and vanishes. Shot of passive cat.)

(Cut to Mr A and Mrs B watching with the general.)

General: I hope to God it works. Anyway, we shall know any minute now.

(After a pause, the cat gets up and walks into the house. Mr A and Mrs B are overcome with joy.)

Mrs B: I can't believe it.

Mr A: Neither can I. It's just like the old days.

Mrs B: Then he's cured. Oh thank you, general.

Mr A: What can we ever do to repay you?

General: No need to, sir. It's all in a day's work for Confuse-a-Cat.

(Picture freezes and over still of general's face are supera'reposed the words 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited'. Dramatic music. The words start to roll, like ordinary credits but read.')


CONFUSE-A-CAT LIMITED
INCORPORATING
AMAZE-A-VOLE LTD
STUN-A-STOAT LTD
PUZZLE-A-PUMA LTD
STARTLE-A-THOMPSON'S GAZELLE LTD
BEWILDEREBEEST INC
DISTRACT-A-BEE

Mark

[DragonMage]

Yes! Where's 'Live Birth'???? Don't fail me now, Mark.

------------------

Alureth...Dragon friend of Breanna, Mage and Advisor in the Court of Lady Lioness

Co-Owner/Operator of the Evil Petting Zoo and devout member of the HADB clan.
Commander of the Dragon Fleet, IW Peacekeeping Force
Sublime Sister of the Illuminati - may the Light shine forever!
Second Historian and Scribe of IW. Mother Hen of IW.
Mage extraordinair, Pin-Up Girl for the OLD-COOTS
Magey-Wagey: performer in the Nekked Dancing Trio of the ORT.

Hopeless Romantic *sigh*

[DragonMage]

OH! And 'The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch' Puhleeeeze!

------------------

Alureth...Dragon friend of Breanna, Mage and Advisor in the Court of Lady Lioness

Co-Owner/Operator of the Evil Petting Zoo and devout member of the HADB clan.
Commander of the Dragon Fleet, IW Peacekeeping Force
Sublime Sister of the Illuminati - may the Light shine forever!
Second Historian and Scribe of IW. Mother Hen of IW.
Mage extraordinair, Pin-Up Girl for the OLD-COOTS
Magey-Wagey: performer in the Nekked Dancing Trio of the ORT.

Hopeless Romantic *sigh*

[skywalker]

The Holy Handgrenade is on the first page of this thread on the post about "Tim The Enchanter"!

Is this what you mean by live birth?

Part I: The Miracle of Birth

The sketch:
ANNOUNCER: Part One: The Miracle of Birth.

[clunk]
[clunk]
[clunk]
[clunk]

OBSTETRICIAN: One thousand and eight!

NURSE #1: Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent, doctor!

OBSTETRICIAN: Good. Take her into the Foetus Frightening Room.

NURSE #1: Right.
[exciting music]

OBSTETRICIAN: Thum, thummm, thummm, thum, thummmm, thummmmmm. Thum, thummm. Thummm. Jolly good.
[music stops]

DOCTOR SPENSER: Bumm, bumm, bumm, bumm, bum--

OBSTETRICIAN: So, it's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Yes.

OBSTETRICIAN: Yes. More apparatus, please, nurse: the E.E.G., the B.P. monitor, and the A.V.V.

NURSE #1: Yes. Certainly, Doctor.

DOCTOR SPENSER: And, uh, get the machine that goes 'ping'.

OBSTETRICIAN: And get the most expensive machines, in case the administrator comes.
[clunk]
[exciting music]
That's it. Bring in the other machines. Right over here.

DOCTOR SPENSER: [whistling]

OBSTETRICIAN: That's it. Just behind me.
[music stops]
Lovely. Lovely. Jolly good. That's better. That's much, much better.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Yeahhh, that's more like it.

OBSTETRICIAN: Eehhh. Still something missing, though.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Hm?

OBSTETRICIAN: Hmmm. Mmmmm.
[snap]

OBSTETRICIAN and DOCTOR SPENSER: Patient!

OBSTETRICIAN: Yes.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Where's the patient?

OBSTETRICIAN: Anyone seen the patient?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Patient?

NURSE #1: Aah! Here she is.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Bring it over here.
[clank]
Mind the machines!

NURSE #1: Sorry, Doctor Spenser.

OBSTETRICIAN: Come along!

DOCTOR SPENSER: Come along.

NURSE #1: Jump up there. Up!

MRS. MOORE: Ehh.

OBSTETRICIAN: Hallo. Now, don't you worry.

DOCTOR SPENSER: We'll soon have you cured.

OBSTETRICIAN: Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Good-bye!

OBSTETRICIAN: Good-bye.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Drips up!

OBSTETRICIAN: Injections!

DOCTOR SPENSER: Can I put the tube in the baby's head?

OBSTETRICIAN: Only if I can do the epesiotomy.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Okay.

OBSTETRICIAN: Okay. Uh, legs up! Doctor, come in. Come on in, all of you. That's it. Jolly good.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Come along.

OBSTETRICIAN: Come along. Spread 'round there. Uh, who are you?

MR. MOORE: I'm the husband.

OBSTETRICIAN: I'm sorry. Only people involved are allowed in here. All right.

MRS. MOORE: What do I do?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Mhm. Yes?

MRS. MOORE: What do I do?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Nothing, dear. You're not qualified!

OBSTETRICIAN: Leave it to us!

MRS. MOORE: What's that for?

OBSTETRICIAN: That's the machine that goes 'ping'.
[ping]
You see? That means your baby is still alive!

DOCTOR SPENSER: And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital!

OBSTETRICIAN: Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Aren't you lucky?!

NURSE #2: The administrator is here, doctor.

OBSTETRICIAN: Switch everything on!
[exciting music]
[ping]

MR. PYCROFT: Morning, gentlemen.

RANDOM: Morning.

MR. PYCROFT: Morning, gentlemen.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Morning!

OBSTETRICIAN: Morning, Mr. Pycroft.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Morning, Mr. Pycroft.

MR. PYCROFT: Oh, very impressive. Very impressive. And what are you doing this morning?
[music stops]

OBSTETRICIAN: It's a birth.

MR. PYCROFT: Aahh. What sort of thing is that?

DOCTOR SPENSER: Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.

MR. PYCROFT: Wonderful what we can do nowadays.
[ping]
Aah! I see you have the machine that goes 'ping'. This is my favourite. You see, we lease this back from the company we sold it to, and that way, it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.
[applause]
Thank you. Thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.

NURSE #1: Ooh, the vulva's dilating, doctor.

OBSTETRICIAN: Oh, yes, there's the head. Yes, four centimetres. Five-- Six centimetres.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Lights!

OBSTETRICIAN: Amplify the 'ping' machine.
[ping]

DOCTOR SPENSER: Masks up!

OBSTETRICIAN: Suction!

DOCTOR SPENSER: Eyes down for a full house!

OBSTETRICIAN: Here it comes!

BABY: [crying]

OBSTETRICIAN: And... frighten it! Thank you.
[whock]

DOCTOR SPENSER: And the rough towels!

OBSTETRICIAN: Show it to the mother. That's enough.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Right! Sedate her!

OBSTETRICIAN: Number the child.

DOCTOR SPENSER: Measure it, blood type it, and isolate it!
[whump]

NURSE #1: Okay.
[clap clap]
Show's over.

OBSTETRICIAN: Jolly good.

RANDOM: [mumbling] ...everyone.

OBSTETRICIAN: Jolly good.

MRS. MOORE: Is it a boy or a girl?

OBSTETRICIAN: Now, I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you? Now, a word of advice. You may find that you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of depression: 'P.N.D.', as we doctors call it. So, it's lots of happy pills for you, and you can find out all about the birth when you get home. It's available on Betamax, VHS, and Super Eight.
[ping]

Mark

[skywalker]

I think I will avoid posting anything from the Meaning Of Life. Some of the language is a little too racy for the board I think, and I'd rather not censor! OK?

Mark

Try to do "Confuse a cat" online!!

okay...the sergeant major thing was a guy who had some soldiers lined up and he would say things like "you, you have something better to do than marching up and down the square?" It stuck in my mind for some odd reason.

here is another movie - eric idle coming out of the fridge in "meaning of life" and the song he sings.

------------------
"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
-Robert McCloskey

• Token lackwit of HADB
  
• Sycophant to the Wolf of Azure Hue
  
• Long lost brother of DragonMage[/list]

[DragonMage]

Yes, the Meaning of Life IS a bit...oh...er...um....racy. Agreed. But the Fetus Frightening Room!!! LOL!!! That cracks me up! thanks. And sorry I missed the Tim the Enchanter One! Got it now!

------------------

Alureth...Dragon friend of Breanna, Mage and Advisor in the Court of Lady Lioness

Co-Owner/Operator of the Evil Petting Zoo and devout member of the HADB clan.
Commander of the Dragon Fleet, IW Peacekeeping Force
Sublime Sister of the Illuminati - may the Light shine forever!
Second Historian and Scribe of IW. Mother Hen of IW.
Mage extraordinair, Pin-Up Girl for the OLD-COOTS
Magey-Wagey: performer in the Nekked Dancing Trio of the ORT.

Hopeless Romantic *sigh*

[skywalker]

Precision Drilling


The cast:

INTERVIEWER
Michael Palin
VOICE OVER
John Cleese

The sketch:

(Cut to interviewer at desk.)
Interviewer: Next week we'll be showing you how to pick up an architect, how to pull a prime minister, and how to have fun with a wholesale poulterer. But now the men of the Derbyshire Light Infantry entertain us with a precision display of bad temper.

Voice Over: Attention

(Eight soldiers in two ranks of four, They halt, and start to chant with precision.)

Soldiers: bly goodness me, I am in a bad temper today all right, two, three, damn, damn, two, three, I am vexed and ratty. (shake fists) Two, three, and hopping mad. (stamp feet)

(Cut to interviewer.)

Interviewer: And next the men of the Second Armoured Division regale us with their famous close order swanning about.

(Cut to sergeant with eight soldiers.)

Sergeant: Squad. Camp it ... up!

Soldiers: (mincing in unison) Oooh get her! Whoops! I've got your number ducky. You couldn't afford me, dear. Two three. I'd scratch your eyes out. Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. Whoops, don't look now girls the major's just minced in with that dolly colour sergeant, two, 'three, ooh-ho!


Mark

[skywalker]

A Witch!


MONKS:

[chanting]


Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.


[bonk]


Pie Iesu domine,...


[bonk]


...dona eis requiem.


[bonk]


Pie Iesu domine,...


[bonk]


...dona eis requiem.


CROWD: A witch! A witch!


[bonk]


A witch! A witch!


MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine...


CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch!


VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch. May we burn her?


CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!


BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?


VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.


CROWD: Right! Yeah! Yeah!


BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.


WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.


BEDEVERE: Uh, but you are dressed as one.


WITCH: They dressed me up like this.


CROWD: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...


WITCH: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.


BEDEVERE: Well?


VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.


BEDEVERE: The nose?


VILLAGER #1: And the hat, but she is a witch!


VILLAGER #2: Yeah!


CROWD: We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!


BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?


VILLAGER #1: No!


VILLAGER #2 and 3: No. No.


VILLAGER #2: No.


VILLAGER #1: No.


VILLAGERS #2 and #3: No.


VILLAGER #1: Yes.


VILLAGER #2: Yes.


VILLAGER #1: Yes. Yeah, a bit.


VILLAGER #3: A bit.


VILLAGERS #1 and #2: A bit.


VILLAGER #3: A bit.


VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.


RANDOM: [cough]


BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?


VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.


BEDEVERE: A newt?


VILLAGER #3: I got better.


VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!


VILLAGER #1: Burn!


CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...


BEDEVERE: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.


VILLAGER #1: Are there?


VILLAGER #2: Ah?


VILLAGER #1: What are they?


CROWD: Tell us! Tell us!...


VILLAGER #2: Do they hurt?


BEDEVERE: Tell me. What do you do with witches?


VILLAGER #2: Burn!


VILLAGER #1: Burn!


CROWD: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...


BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?


VILLAGER #1: More witches!


VILLAGER #3: Shh!


VILLAGER #2: Wood!


BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn?


[pause]


VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?


BEDEVERE: Good! Heh heh.


CROWD: Oh, yeah. Oh.


BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?


VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.


BEDEVERE: Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?


VILLAGER #1: Oh, yeah.


RANDOM: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...


BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?


VILLAGER #1: No. No.


VILLAGER #2: No, it floats! It floats!


VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!


CROWD: The pond! Throw her into the pond!


BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?


VILLAGER #1: Bread!


VILLAGER #2: Apples!


VILLAGER #3: Uh, very small rocks!


VILLAGER #1: Cider!


VILLAGER #2: Uh, gra-- gravy!


VILLAGER #1: Cherries!


VILLAGER #2: Mud!


VILLAGER #3: Uh, churches! Churches!


VILLAGER #2: Lead! Lead!


ARTHUR: A duck!


CROWD: Oooh.


BEDEVERE: Exactly. So, logically...


VILLAGER #1: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.


BEDEVERE: And therefore?


VILLAGER #2: A witch!


VILLAGER #1: A witch!


CROWD: A witch! A witch!...


VILLAGER #4: Here is a duck. Use this duck.


[quack quack quack]


BEDEVERE: Very good. We shall use my largest scales.


CROWD: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...


BEDEVERE: Right. Remove the supports!


[whop]


[clunk]


[creak]


CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch!


WITCH: It's a fair cop.


VILLAGER #3: Burn her!


CROWD: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!...


BEDEVERE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?


ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.


BEDEVERE: My liege!


ARTHUR: Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join us at the Round Table?


BEDEVERE: My liege! I would be honored.


ARTHUR: What is your name?


BEDEVERE: 'Bedevere', my liege.


ARTHUR: Then I dub you 'Sir Bedemere, Knight of the Round Table'.

Mark

[Davros]

And what about the "Huge Tracts of land" scene Mark .

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Ironworks Revolutionary Splitter wannabe
Founding Member, and General Demands Adviser of the O.R.T.