Even more humour

[Barry the Sprout]

This is a selection of weird stuff from a magazine some friends of mine produce. It is called "Not Cheap" and this week is a war special. It doesn't have articles as such, just random phrases dotted over several pages. Some of the best are:

Handy conversion chart
1 dead princess = 5000 dead New Yorkers = 1'000'000 dead Afghans (estimate)

What are our war aims?
Its a war on terror. We fight until terror no longer exists. Then maybe we start on fear and mild irritation.

Why Afghanistan?
All those evil-doing folks who hijacked those planes were in some way probably connected with Afghanistan despite coming from Egypt and Saudi Arabia, which means that Afghanistan was very close to places harbouring terrorists. Osama Bin Laden lives there anyway*. You may rest assured that the coalition against terror has full and extensive proof of his probable involvement which we can't show anyone.

Is this war nice?
Yes. We can offer our assurances that this is the first nice war in history. Look at all our weapons: "Daisycutter missiles". Come on, it sounds kind of nice.

And "Daisycutter missiles"? Ok they sound nice but you also said "its the next best thing to a nuclear bomb". I'm confused.
The important thing to bear in mind is that we just have to look and sound nice. We don't have to actually BE nice. When push comes to shove killing people is very, very, important in a war.

So... even if you're not nice you have to pretend to be?
Yes, it gives us a great get out clause when things go pear shaped. We can claim that we started out nice but were forced to become nasty by the sheer ungratefulness of whoever our opponent happens to be. In this case our opponent is (strictly speaking) an entirely subjective concept and so we can become nasty as we feel like it. Like we said, its principally about killing people, and oil. That comes into it somewhere too, were pretty sure.

Does that mean that this war is a fraud?
No. We really are killing people. The real difficulty here is bumping the bastards off before they starve anyway.


It also had:

Alina Lebedyeva, seen here bashing royal parasite Prince Charles during his visit to Latvia, was protesting against the war in Afghanistan. Vaira Vike-Freiberga, Latvian president, has labelled her "mentally unstable". Back in the good old days Latvian dissidents would be accused of suffering from "mental illness" and locked away. Lebedyeva is facing a 15 year prison sentence. Funny how things turn out.

In the interests of promoting a stern and patriotic attitude to the war Afghan hounds are to be renamed "South Asian hunting dogs". Afghan coats are to be called "Taliban smoking jackets".

You know that things are going well for the peace movement when even your tory voting, Daily Mail reading, gran is on your side. "It's just revenge" she said "Its not helping anything.". Blimey.


And there was of course some peotry. This isn't really war related but I thought it was funny enough to share.


DEAD ■■■■■ POETRY (Lines written upon first seeing a dead cat floating down the river)

As I floated down the regal Thames,
I thought I spied some little lambs,
I floated closer, for to see,
If I could kill one for my tea,
But, Hark! I saw they were not sheep,
But other moggies put to sleep.

Rigor mortis, the only friend,
On which a dead cat can depend,

Oh...
To be a dead cat when life is young,
To be a dead cat when spring is sprung,
To be a dead cat without no tongue,
To be a dead cat whose song is sung,
To be a dead cat with cankered lung,
To be a dead cat where cats is hung,


A fresh bid to become Poet in residence at London Zoo:
Lions they go roar,
Lions they go roar,
Lions they go roar,
When they've hurt their paw,

Cats are nice,
Dogs are nice,
Rats aren't mice,

* We dug his cave and this is how he repays us.

[Ryanamur]

LOL, good ones especially the "Why Afghanistan" [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Barry the Sprout]

Quite a lot of the stuff in there was visual so it doesn't really work typing it. For example it had a picture of Tony Blair with the caption: "Fundamentally though, Tony Blair is something of a prick.".

And a picture of a monkey with the caption: "George Bush defended the free world yesterday (okay its cheap but sod it)".

And quite randomly over one page the legend "Koran oblahdioblahda Samsonite ****wit" was scrawled. This is my kind of sense of humour - if it makes sense then its not funny enough.