Stuff

[John D Harris]

LIFE'S RULES

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

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Subject: Redneck Engineering Exam
We are sick and tired of hearing redneck jokes about people in the South. We
are actually extremely smart and challenge any so-called smart Yankee to
take this exam administered by the University of Georgia Engineering
Department:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in
your front yard?
A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons
of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense
the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of
the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3
acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser's
will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field
rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The
porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many
hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown
children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope
on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic
conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a
vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coalmine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine
employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during
the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation,
how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to
breed a country-western singer?

**************
Subject: You know you are from...........


So as to not be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, Alabama jokes, you know you're from California if :

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible,

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house,

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English,

4. Your child's
3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze,

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor,

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the >>difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian,

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears,

11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast,

12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S,

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps, and you don't even notice,

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks' wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney,

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment,

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S &M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag,

17. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH,"

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class,

20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers,

21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents . . .

22. Hey !!!! Is Pot Illegal????

23. Both you AND your dog have therapists . . . and lastly,

24. The Terminator is your governor
*****************
One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't pee'd once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five poops you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex

Nope, no more booze for me

Sorry, but you're not really my type

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[SomeGuy]

roflmao funny as hell man

[Jorath Calar]

That 5 star hangover sounds familiar... [img]smile.gif[/img]