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Old 06-21-2002, 06:38 PM   #1
skywalker
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: VT, USA
Age: 63
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I post this for my good friend DragonMage!

Last year I posted lots of Monty Python scripts and she liked them alot!

I noticed her here recently and I thought I'd post another just to make her laugh. All are invited to laugh too, if you like:

'Take Your Pick'

The cast:

MICHAEL MILES
John Cleese
HOSTESS
Graham Chapman
WOMAN
Terry Jones

The sketch:

(A simple 'Take Your Pick' style set with Michael Miles grinning type monster standing at centre of it.)
Michael Miles: And could we have the next contender, please? (a pepperpot walks out into the set towards Michael Miles) Ha ha ha... Good evening, madam, and your name is?

Woman: Yes, yes;

Michael Miles: And what's your name?

Woman: I go to church regularly.

Michael Miles: Jolly good, I see, and which prize do you have particular eyes on this evening?

Woman: I'd like the blow on the head.

Michael Miles: The blow on the head.

Woman: Just there.

Michael Miles: Jolly good. Well your first question for the blow on the head this evening is: what great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states?

Woman: I don't know that!

Michael Miles: Well, have a guess.

Woman: Henri Bergson.

Michael Miles: Is the correct answer!

Woman: Ooh, that was lucky. I never even heard of him.

Michael Miles: Jolly good.

Woman: I don't like darkies.

Michael Miles: Ha ha ha. Who does! And now your second question for the blow on the head is: what is the main food that penguins eat?

Woman: Pork luncheon meat.

Michael Miles: No.

Woman: Spam?

Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do penguins eat? Penguins.

Woman: Penguins?

Michael Miles: Yes.

Woman: I hate penguins.

Michael Miles: No, no, no.

Woman: They eat themselves.

Michael Miles: No, no, what do penguim eat?

Woman: Horses! ... Armchairs!

Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do penguins eat?

Woman: Oh, penguins.

Michael Miles: Penguins.

Woman: Cannelloni.

Michael Miles: No.

Woman: Lasagna, moussaka, lobster thermidor, escalopes de veau a l'estragon avec endives gratineed with cheese.

Michael Miles: No, no, no, no. I'll give you a clue. (mimes a fish swimming)

Woman: Ah! Brian Close.

Michael Miles: No. no.

Woman: Brian Inglis, Brian Johnson, Bryan Forbes.

Michael Miles: No, no!

Woman: Nanette Newman.

Michael Miles: No. What swims in the sea and gets caught in nets?

Woman: Henri Bergson.

Michael Miles: No.

Woman: Goats. Underwater goats with snorkels and flippers.

Michael Miles: No, no.

Woman: A buffalo with an aqualung.

Michael Miles: No, no.

Woman: Reginald Maudling.

Michael Miles: Yes, that's near enough. I'll give you that. Right, now, Mrs Scum, you have won your prize, do you still want the blow on the head?

Woman: Yes, yes.

Michael Miles: I'll offer you a poke in the eye.

Woman: No! I want a blow on the head.

Michael Miles: A punch in the throat.

Woman: No.

Michael Miles: All fight then, a kick in the kneecap.

Woman: No.

Michael Miles: Mrs Scum, I'm offering you a boot in the teeth and a dagger up the strap.

Woman: Er...

Voices: Blow on the headl Take the blow on the head!

Woman: No, no. I'll take the blow on the head.

Michael Miles: Very well then, Mrs Scum, you have won tonight's star prize, the blow on the head.

(He strkes her on head with an enormous mallet and she falls unconscious. A sexily dressed hostess in the background strikes a small gong. The three bishops rush in and jump on her.)

Mark
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Old 06-21-2002, 07:22 PM   #2
Willard
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Join Date: June 14, 2001
Location: Vermont
Age: 32
Posts: 1,752
The woman's name is "I go to church regularly"?
I have one thing to say to you, Skywalker.
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wtf? lol!
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Old 06-21-2002, 07:49 PM   #3
SomeGuy
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Join Date: May 14, 2002
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*gets mad and attcks Goes To Church Regulery* IF YOU HATE PENGUINS THE I HATE YOU! *notices that it is a just a big stuffed dummy tht is getting killed* Oh darn
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Old 06-21-2002, 09:30 PM   #4
skywalker
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
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Age: 63
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Willard? To reiterate this is script from a British TV program called Monty Python's Flying Circus. I didn't write it!

The show didn't always make sense!

Mark
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Old 06-21-2002, 10:35 PM   #5
Downunda
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Join Date: January 7, 2002
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand
Age: 45
Posts: 2,975
Buy know, pay later... Real live parrot!



And now for something completely different

(Scene a chairman of discussion group.)

Chairman (Terry Jones): Well to discuss the implications of that sketch and to consider the moral problems raised by the law-enforcement methods involved we have a duck, a cat and a lizard. Now first of all I'd like to put this question to you please, lizard. How effective do you consider the legal weapons employed by legal customs officers, nowadays? (shot of lizard; silence) Well while you're thinking about that, I'd like to bring the duck in here, and ask her, if possible, to clarify the whole question of currency restrictions, and customs regulations in the world today. (shot of duck; silence) Perhaps the cat would rather answer that? (shot of cat; silence) No? Lizard? (shot of lizard again and then back) No. Well, er, let's ask the man in the street what he thinks.

(Cut to film: vox pops.)

French Au Pair: I am not a man you silly billy.

Man on Roof: I'm not in the street you fairy.

Man in Street: Well, er, speaking as a man in the street... (a car runs him over) Wagh!

Man: What was the question again?

Voice Over: Just how relevant are contemporary customs regulations and currency restrictions in a modern expanding industrial economy? (no answer) Oh never mind.

Pepperpot: Well I think customs men should be armed, so they can kill people carrying more than two hundred cigarettes.

Man: (getting up from a deckchair and screaming with indignation and rage: he has a knotted handkerchief on his head and his trousers are rolled up to the knees) Well I, I think that, er, nobody who has gone abroad should be allowed back in the country. I mean, er, blimey, blimey if they're not keen enough to stay here when they're 'ere, why should we allow them back, er, at the tax-payers expense? I mean, be fair, I mean, I don't eat squirrels do I? I mean well perhaps I do one or two but there's no law against that, is there? It's a free country. (enter a knight in amour) I mean if I want to eat a squirrel now and again, that's me own business, innit? I mean, I'm no racialist. I, oh, oh...

(The knight is carrying a raw chicken. The man apprehensively covers his head and the knight slams him in the stomach with the chicken.)

Woman: I think it's silly to ask a lizard what it thinks, anyway.

Chairman: Why?

Woman: I mean they should have asked Margaret Drabble.

Young Man: (very reasonably) Well I think, er, customs people are quite necessary, and I think they're doing quite a good job really. Check.



[ 06-21-2002, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: Downunda ]
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Old 06-22-2002, 06:31 AM   #6
skywalker
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Location: VT, USA
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Good one Downunda!

This is like dueling PythonS!

The Oscar Wilde Sketch

The cast:

PRINCE
Terry Jones
OSCAR WILDE
Graham Chapman
WHISTLER
John Cleese
SHAW
Michael Palin

The sketch:

Zoom in to overlay showing some stock film of hansom cabs galloping past. Suitably classy music starts.

CAPTION: LONDON 1895

CAPTION:
THE RESIDENCE OF
MR. OSCAR WILDE

Mix through to Wilde's drawing room. A crowd of suitably dressed folk are engaged in typically brilliant conversation, laughing affectedly and drinking champagne.

Prince: My congratulations, Wilde. Your latest play is a great success. The whole of London's talking about you.

Oscar: There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
There follows fifteen seconds of restrained and sycophantic laughter.

Prince: Very very witty ... very very witty.

Whistler: There is only one thing in the world worse than being witty, and that is not being witty.
Fifteeen more seconds of the same.

Oscar: I wish I had said that.

Whistler: You will, Oscar, you will. (more laughter)

Oscar: Your Majesty, have you met James McNeill Whistler?

Prince: Yes, we've played squash together.

Oscar: There is only one thing worse than playing squash together, and that is playing it by yourself. (silence) I wish I hadn't said that.

Whistler: You did, Oscar, you did. (a little laughter)

Prince: You really must forgive me, Wilde, I've got to get back up the Palace.

Oscar: Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top.

Prince: I beg your pardon?

Oscar: Um ... It was one of Whistler's.

Whistler: I never said that.

Oscar: You did, James, you did.

The Prince of Wales stares expectantly at Whistler.

Whistler: ... Well, Your Highness, what I meant was that, like a doughnut, um, your arrival gives us pleasure and your departure only makes us hungry for more. (laughter) Your Highness, you are also like a stream of bat's p*ss.

Prince: What?

Whistler: It was one of Wilde's. One of Wilde's.

Oscar: It sodding was not! It was Shaw!

Shaw: I ... I merely meant, Your Majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.

Prince: (accepting the compliment) Oh.

Oscar: (to Whistler) Right. Right? (to Prince) Your Majesty is like a dose of clap.

Whistler: Before you arrive -- before you arrive is pleasure, and after is a pain in the dong.

Prince: What?

Oscar and Whistler: One of Shaw's, one of Shaw's.

Shaw: You bastards. Um ... what I meant, Your Majesty, what I meant ...

Oscar: We've got him, Jim.

Whistler: Come on, Shaw-y.

Oscar: Come on, Shaw-y.

Shaw: I merely meant ...

Oscar: Come on, Shaw-y.

Whistler: Let's have a bit of wit, then, man.

Oscar Come on, Shaw-y.

Shaw: (blows a raspberry)
The Prince shakes Shaw's hand. Laughter all round.

Mark

[ 06-22-2002, 06:32 AM: Message edited by: skywalker ]
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Old 06-22-2002, 06:39 AM   #7
DragonMage
20th Level Warrior
 

Join Date: September 6, 2001
Location: The lighter side of life, a.k.a. Newnan, Georgia
Age: 55
Posts: 2,767
ROTFLMAO! [img]tongue.gif[/img]

You know I can't resist these!

LOLOLOLOL!

Got any cheese?
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Old 06-22-2002, 06:43 AM   #8
skywalker
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: VT, USA
Age: 63
Posts: 3,097
Quote:
Originally posted by DragonMage:
ROTFLMAO! [img]tongue.gif[/img]

You know I can't resist these!

LOLOLOLOL!

Got any cheese?
Hi Babe!

Cheese? I love cheese!

The Cheese Shop

The cast:

CUSTOMER
John Cleese
WENSLYDALE
Michael Palin

The sketch:

Customer walks in the Henry Wenslydale's Cheese shop and walks past the bazouki player.
Customer: Good Morning.

Wenslydale: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!

Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Wenslydale: What can I do for you, Sir?

Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

Wenslydale: Peckish, sir?

Customer: Esuriant.

Wenslydale: Eh?

Customer: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!

Wenslydale: Ah, hungry!

Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

Wenslydale: Come again?

Customer: I want to buy some cheese.

Wenslydale: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!

Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Wenslydale: Sorry?

Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!

Wenslydale: So he can go on playing, can he?

Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

Wenslydale: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.

Wenslydale: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.

Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

Wenslydale: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.

Wenslydale: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?

Wenslydale: Sorry, sir.

Customer: Red Windsor?

Wenslydale: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Customer: Ah. Stilton?

Wenslydale: Sorry.

Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Lipta?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Lancashire?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: White Stilton?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Danish Brew?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Double Goucester?

Wenslydale: (pause) No.

Customer: Cheshire?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Dorset Bluveny?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?

Wenslydale: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.

Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

Wenslydale: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...

Customer: Oh, I like it runny.

Wenslydale: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!

Wenslydale: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

Customer: I don't care how ■■■■■■■ runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

Wenslydale: Oooooooooohhh........!

Customer: What now?

Wenslydale: The cat's eaten it.

Customer: (pause) Has he.

Wenslydale: She, sir.

(pause)

Customer: Gouda?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Edam?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Case Ness?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Smoked Austrian?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?

Wenslydale: No, sir.

Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?

Wenslydale: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--

Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Wenslydale: Fair enough.

Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

Wenslydale: Yes?

Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

Wenslydale: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.

(pause)

Customer: Greek Feta?

Wenslydale: Uh, not as such.

Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Parmesan,

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Mozarella,

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Paper Cramer,

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Danish Bimbo,

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Czech sheep's milk,

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

Wenslydale: Not *today*, sir, no.

(pause)

Customer: Aah, how about Cheddar?

Wenslydale: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Customer: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world!

Wenslydale: Not 'round here, sir.

Customer: and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?

Wenslydale: 'Illchester, sir.

Customer: IS it.

Wenslydale: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Customer: Is it.

Wenslydale: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?

Wenslydale: Right, sir.

Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Wenslydale: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

Wenslydale: Finest in the district!

Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Wenslydale: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....

Wenslydale: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.

Customer: Would it be worth it?

Wenslydale: Could be....

Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!

Wenslydale: Told you sir....

Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me

Wenslydale: Yessir?

Customer: Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.

Wenslydale: Yes,sir.

Customer: Really?

(pause) Wenslydale: No. Not really, sir.

Customer: You haven't.

Wenslydale: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.

Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Wenslydale: Right-o, sir.

The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.

Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

Mark
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Old 06-22-2002, 06:44 AM   #9
Melusine
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Join Date: January 8, 2001
Location: Amsterdam, The Netherlands
Age: 43
Posts: 6,541
Oooooooooooohhhhh the Oscar Wilde sketch, my favourite!! It's absolutely brilliant
Thanks Skywalker!
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Old 06-22-2002, 06:47 AM   #10
skywalker
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: VT, USA
Age: 63
Posts: 3,097
Quote:
Originally posted by Melusine:
Oooooooooooohhhhh the Oscar Wilde sketch, my favourite!! It's absolutely brilliant
Thanks Skywalker!
I've always loved the Oscar Wilde sketch.

Mark
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