all my fears and feelings (insane or human ?)

[Xanthul]

I think they are some of the most amazing feelings. When im sad or deppressed or feel lone or something like this, im almost happy at the same time, only for knowing that im not happy. Ive always thought that complete happyness is impossible to get, so somehow i feel better when im sad. The drawback for me is that i usually take things too seriously, and that sadness affects me too much. I´ve always wanted to be like Mr.Jones, the main character of the film with that title (Mr Jones), maniac deppressive (at least this is how its said in spanish). I think im similar to him, with many mood changes and stuff, but not that serious, im not sure if i have that illness. anyway I think im mad in some way, truely insane. I speak alone, i have strange thoughts (thoughts that would shock most of the people), and many other symptoms of mental insanity. I also think im smart, and stupid at the same time. Sometimes i cant catch the more elemental things, others i understand complex things without a problem. Ive been always good at writing (at least in spanish), ive wrote so many tales (some of them earned prizes in championships), but im also stupid cause sometimes i cant even understand the depth of what i write. Ive read so many books (ive devoured books most of the time), and most of them have shocked me. I always get so involved with books and films; for example, ive always felt bad when spiderman or superman had to leave to solve any problem, and when they go back as normal people they´re called cowards. Thats the kind of thing that makes me wonder. Ive always had phylosophycal thoughts, since i was very young. I think if i had wrote them i´d be a different person now. i still have them, but i forget them, and that scares me. ive had some experiences with drugs, and that scares me too, cause im so afraid that i will end being an addict or having problems due to them. Sometimes being drunk or something ive had some scenes, crying and stuff, telling my best friend that he doesnt love me... thats another thing, i always think that people hates me, even if they say they love me. im always so afraid to say the wrong thing in the wrong moment, and sometimes i sin of being static only cause im afraid to act. When im sad (dunno if it can be called depressed) i cry all the time, for nothing. It makes me wonder too. I have many complexes, and most of them make me feel so insecure. i love my friends a lot, and i make friends easily. That might sound good, but believe me, it isnt. the faster you make your friends, the higher chance there is that in the end he/she wont be a good friend. also i am very sincere with my friends when im talking about serious things (otherwise i lie constantly, i think that isnt very sane neither), so when something happens to me or i have a problem i talk about it with LOTS of people, and that isnt good neither. a secret is a secret until you talk about it; the more people that knows it, the higher chance some of them will talk about it with the wrong person. another problem is that i fall in love easily (im a fast-feelings person), and that has caused me lotsa problems along with my sincerity. some girls dont like hearing "i love you", specially if who says that isnt even their boyfriend. ive had some suicidal tendencies in the past, but ive always passed them thinking on my brother (hes 13 and he´s mentally retarded, gives lotsa work) and in the things i havent still done in my life. other times my bro is what makes me sad, cause i cant see how will things go when hes an adult, i cant see if a girl will want to live with me having to have my bro in my house as if he was our big kid. dunno, there are so many things that i cant imagine in the future...

------------------
"Let my spells do the dirty work" Ertai, High Sorceror of the Holy Flame

[Xanthul]

Well this has been a sudden need that ive felt for writing down most of my problems. I dont want people to understand or pity me, its just that im not in a good moment now (neither its the worse in my life) and ive felt that i had to write.

I encourage you to open yourselves and write here whatever you want, it helps.

Thanks a lot to all from the board, for making it special enough to allow and respect this kind of posts, and specially to Wendy. Without her probably i wouldnt have posted this (i was so afraid). I wanna thank Rikard, Siem, Sarah and Michael too for they´ve been very helpful and kind when ive needed them.

------------------
"Let my spells do the dirty work" Ertai, High Sorceror of the Holy Flame

[Cloudbringer]

Javi,

Oh sweet Javi! You sound depressed, and believe me, I've been there. Sometimes when we are feeling low, all those other things start to surface and they can boil up out of control. Javi, I've been crying almost non-stop for three days! Yah, me, CloudJoy! It happens to all of us now and then, honest!

That you are worrying about these things, well, that tells me you are not 'insane'. It tells me you are troubled and that's a bit different. Javi, I'm no expert, so I can't really go on and on in some sort of psychoanalysis, but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that you are warm, friendly, intelligent and caring.

You take pride in your work and helping others. I have been fond of you since the day you told me about making a sig for this board! I don't post over in your forum much,never having played beyond the very beginning of BG1, so we don't see each other much, but I will always chat with you, mage of my early days! And uh, last time I looked, I was a girl, so there! Girls talk to you! Not much of step beyond talking and you get to the relationships and such. And I for one, see you having much to offer anyone you get to know.

Cloudy



------------------
Raindancer of the Laughing Hyenas Clan
Storm-Queen
StormCloud of the Black Knight
Heart Mind Soul Forever

[Charlie]

You're a special, intelligent...nay...very special, highly intelligent man my friend. Don't try to solve tommorrows problems today, they'll arrive in their own good time. If you mentally solve the issues that haven't yet arrived you will only fill their spaces with new ones. Deal with todays stuff today, sleep easier tonight and IF and only IF new issues find you tommorrow deal with them then. Try to be at peace with yourself Ertai. One love my friend, one love.

------------------
One love, peace.

[RudeDawg]

Peace to you, my brother Ertai...

I was walking back to my apartment composing a similar thread in my head, because of something I just saw. I'll post it in a bit.

I had a very deep relationship with my mother. She kept me alive when doctors told her I was dying. So it hurt me badly when I couldn't do the same. My mother found the cancer in 1996, and she passed away in 1998, a very young 60yrs old.

Bourbon, the newbie on the board, has known me IRL for about 13 yrs. He was there, and can vouch for what happened. I fell into a horrible depression. For 2 yrs, my physical and mental health dropped. I lost my job, and my self-respect, and some of my friends because of it. It took awhile, but the strength of character that we build comes through in the end.

I've enjoyed everything you've written here, and know you are a great person. It shows in how you express yourself. I'm glad you posted this.

I had to go to couseling, and though I never recommend it to people, it helped me. For the simple fact that they helped me understand that the feelings I was fighting were NATURAL. Don't be afraid, or ashamed, of them. Listen to them, and your inner-voice will lead you to growth.

I am glad you shared this with us. I look forward to reading more of your thoughts.

The PensiveDawg

------------------

The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
and my girlfriends, Pamila and Phil

[This message has been edited by RudeDawg (edited 05-06-2001).]

[Stealthy]

Javi, I always enjoy our chats on MSN messenger and you don't seem the way you described yourself. It is natural to have a lot of conflicts and emotions at your age, I changed completely between the ages of 19 and 22. If you make friends easily, which I know you do, deep down uyou must be a helluva guy, so don't worry too much at the strange thoughts you have from time to time, they will pass.

Cloudy's, Charlie's and Rudedawgs answers are also valid, so don't let it get you down. We can chat tomorrow in more depth.

------------------

My doctor told me to eat more, but all this spam hasn't helped.

Click here for the album site.

Shadow Mage of the OHF.

Funny Bone of the LH

Ertai, my friend,

I grew up depressed, brought about by a hateful and abusive mother and siblings that tortured me (locking me in a closet all day or tying me to a tree outside, scaring me to sleep every night) and played on her hatred for me (I am the only one of us that looks like our father who was not always there). I understood where her hate came from since she reminded me almost constantly but I didn't get how a mother could hate her own child or how brothers and sisters could be so cruel when they all spoke amongst themselves of how important "family" is and how "family" is all you have.
Top that off with the fact that she was the "town witch" in a small town and people were afraid of us, kids and adults alike. Man did I ever feel alone.
The only friends I made were those who were brave enough to befriend the witch's daughter and even braver to return to the witch's house more than once (once most of them saw her "evil eye" they never came back or wanted to talk to me anymore).

It took some determination when I was 24 years old to get my act together when I found myself divorcing for the second time, near dead from an auto accident with a small child who had only me to depend on, and truly on my own for the first time in my life.
I studied Psychology to find out what was so wrong with me and in the process I learned a lot about being human~the human "animal" that we all are...having feelings, the way we chose to (or not to) react on them and how we can carry aroung resentment and guilt that sometimes does not belong to us, but rather to the people we have in our lives.

I think that I am a very happy person (except on those days when I am reminded that my dad passed away last year without me getting to hug him in twenty years).

Depression is a very easy thing to fall into and a very hard thing to get out of because it LITERALLY creates its own chemicals in your brain. Keeping it there and feeding it by letting your emotions get the better of you is a sure way to end up whacked. Drugs don't help, they only make it worse. Medications mask it and turn it into something else, at least that is what I saw with people I knew who took legal drugs for their depression. I would rather be mentally healthy than put into a false state of mind by drugs of any sort, life is a whole lot easier to understand and deal with.

Some of the things I learned in dealing with MY life are:

#1) Let go of all the bad feelings you are hanging onto about yourself that someone else pointed out. They don't exist and belong to the person (or persons) who brought them to life. (Like my mother and my sister told me all the time that I was stupid and ugly...I'm neither!)

#2) Take the things that you think are bad about yourself, the things that YOU brought to life and do away with them by making them "history" (Like lying just don't, you will learn how valuable the truth really is~you'll also be able to have more respect for yourself~that's why I left my first husband, he just lied about anything and everything, as nice as he was I did not respect him for it)

#3) Don't try to deal with all your problems at once...take those that you CAN do something about and do something about them so that they are no longer a problem (small things, big things, anything you can do something about, you know?). At the same time, take those problems that you CAN'T do anything about right now and set them aside. They will be there waiting for you to deal with WHEN YOUY CAN...in the meantime, you CAN'T, so don't even try!

#4) Don't dwell on what makes other people happy (except, of course, your brother) but instead, do what makes YOU happy when you need to...if those other people are your friends, they'll either do it with you or be there when you get back. A true friend understands that your time is your time and that when you spend it together, it is something special & not a necessity for them to live (this gets rid of clingy people that need to deal with their own lives instead of trying to live yours...you don't need it but can still offer them companionship if and when you have the time).

#5) Don't sweat the small stuff, no one really cares!

#6) Be true to yourself. If you don't like your surroundings or the present situation you are in, do something to fix it or change it but DO SOMETHING!
Eat a healthy diet and exercise...exercise, no matter how little you may do a day is a sure way to rid your body of STRESS, something you DON'T need! The healthy diet will get rid of all the weird crap you get out of junk food and will allow your body to function on a "real" level rather than one that is pumped up on un-nautral ingredients~take sour cream for example...you eat the store brand or the "other kind"? Read the labels and compare them, you'll be suprised at the difference! It's all this little stuff that makes YOU feel better and be able to think straighter, handle stressful situations easier and basically be able to cope on a daily basis with whatever life throws your way.

#7) Live every minute as if it is your last~it just could be! Make happiness a priority and sadness will eventually seem alien.

Soon enough you will attract people of a like mind and you will find someone who will fall in love with you as quickly as you do them and you'll find that there are people out there who don't mind the fact that your life has to include your brother and they will be there with you to help you carry the load.

You need people who care in your life but the first step is caring abiout yourself. Not saying that to be judgemental, but saying it because I experienced it and everything in my life is pretty wonderful, right down to the grandfather in this home, who can't always take care of himself and needs me to be there to help.

Love, Hugs & Peace,
Moni

[Memnoch]

Javi, just a quick note, I'm here at work but will email you later today.

Cheer up, bro!

------------------

[Cloudbringer]

Memsy? He did, a bit. msn'd a few minutes with the him.


Simbul

------------------
Raindancer of the Laughing Hyenas Clan
Storm-Queen
StormCloud of the Black Knight
Heart Mind Soul Forever

[Sazerac]

Dear Moni,

I know we've talked so much about your past, and it moves me every time I read it, knowing what you've come through. How much like one of the folk tales your life story is! Even in this day and age. Maybe that's why those old tales are so timeless...they still have meaning, especially for abused children at the whims of wicked parent.

Ertai: what Moni says is true. There is no guarantee to life. We simply play it the best way we know how. Looking for the good in the dross is a hard task, but one that does pay off. I've come to appreciate life so much more now, especially since I faced death last year and came through that.

I don't think you're insane. More than likely, you are highly sensitive, especially to your environment and to others around you. You more than likely pick up their feelings and possibly their thoughts, and internalize them as your own, and when you can't rectify them, you think it's crazy. In a way it is, but it is not you.

If it's any comfort, we've all gone through feelings of being unworthy or being unloved. At least I have. Most people have felt inadequate or insecure from time to time. The important thing to remember is that you're not alone, and that every being is loveable, no matter what their circumstances. Just from reading your missive, I feel very strongly disposed toward you. Anyone who can feel and express the way you do has great treasure inside them. Look for it, you'll definitely find it! Your true friends will help you do this, too.

Warm hugs,