Mistake #749 - A Warning to Others

[onthepequod]

Mistake #749 from Onthepequod's Book of Mistakes Made During Marriage.

A Warning to Current and Future Husbands.

NEVER, I repeat, NEVER walk into Neiman Marcus and say "I'm looking for a piece of lingerie for my wife." First of all, let me begin by saying this sort of behavior is a really stupid idea for reasons that will become apparent.

However, if you do pull an absurd stunt like this, I have a few suggestions on what NOT to do.

First, when approached by one of the resident predators (she'll call herself a "salesperson") and she asks you if she "can help you," do NOT say "yes." The fact is, SHE CANNOT HELP YOU. It is not in her nature to help you. She will only suck you dry of every precious cent you've ever earned.

However, if you happen to make this first mistake do NOT go on to say "I'm looking for something frilly and feminine. Perhaps you have some suggestions." To the predator this roughly translates to "I'm an idiot who obviously doesn't know the value of a dollar. Won't you please take advantage of my overly abundant stupidity."

If you somehow happen to make the second mistake, you're done for. You may as well just give her your wallet, your bone marrow, your life blood. But if you do find yourself in this situation, I have just a few more observations for you.

One...when she asks what your wife's size is, don't say "I don't know" while looking around the store for women to point at that are about the same size as your wife. This will indicate to her that you really have no idea what you are doing and are even more vulnerable (if possible) then she previously thought.

Two...when she asks what color your wife likes, don't say "I think she likes such and such color but I'm not sure." Not only will this convey further vulnerability to her but it will end in the predator draging you around the store in search of other predators who have the hai color, skin complexion, and eye color of your wife so that she can hold the lingerie up against this unsuspecitng woman and ask you "what do you think." Trying to picture what lingerie would look like on another woman in hopes of being able to tell what it would look like on your wife, is embarrasing for all partys involved.

Three...Less material does not mean less cost.

Four...At Nieman Marcus they gift wrap for free with nice broaches instead of bows. This is because THEY CAN AFFORD TO.

Five...Lingerie can easily cost more than a decent suit.....unfortunately I now know.

When all was said and done, DeerInTheHeadlightsPequod walked out of Nieman Marcus with a piece of lingerie from that famous designer Mssr. Robba U. Blinde. Fortunately, my predator was kind and picked out a piece she and others were very fond of, from the 60% off rack, alas it was last season's design (like it really matters with lingerie). Originally it did cost more than some of the suits I've bought but in the end I still ended up spending more than I would have on most of the lingerie from Victoria's Secret.

I'll never forget the look on the face of that poor redhead when my salesperson held the lingerie up to her and asked "what do you think?"


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[This message has been edited by onthepequod (edited 09-28-2001).]

[John D Harris]

WISE WORDS INDEED!!!!!

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Airline ticket to Afghanistan $800
High powered rifle with scope $1000
Hotel room with roof access $100
A clean Head shot on that sack of Horse Manure Usuma Bin Laden PRICELESS!

[Elif Godson]

I feel your pain. I got off a little luckier than you though. I was only dating at the time.



[This message has been edited by Ziroc (edited 09-28-2001).]

[Ryanamur]

ROTFLMAO, oh, that's too funny. Sorry, I shouldn't laugh but I can't help it.

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If I am because I think, then, if I talk without thinking, I'm not really talking! Am I?

LOL!
Ok, something different is all but the same.
Motivation: Unknown
Outcome: Unknown
Home life:
I think bed time may come a little early once and a while. What the hay, send him to bed at 7:00pm.

*\Conan/*

[debiler]

LOL! Danger is lurking behind every corner.

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The malt beer lord has come!
Ruby Skald of the ALSB

[onthepequod]

Originally posted by Ryanamur: ROTFLMAO, oh, that's too funny. Sorry, I shouldn't laugh but I can't help it.

It's quite alright Ryanamur. Have a hearty laugh. Perhaps one day I will too.


Conan,

Good to see you again. How is the family?

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[This message has been edited by onthepequod (edited 09-27-2001).]

Great!
I was just thinking about yours to!
(ps. remember, put him to bed at 7

[onthepequod]

Originally posted by Conan: Great! I was just thinking about yours to! (ps. remember, put him to bed at 7

I just wish I were the one going to bed at 7:00. This week we are all sick.



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Sorry to hear that! Do your good stuff and enjoy those little smiles

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*\Conan/*