Which phrasing do you like better? - Page 2

Bungleau · 04-29-2004, 11:07 PM

Hopefully I haven't missed it yet, but I'd say it just a little differently:

"Rather than kill them, Dron decided to simply tie up the two living bandits. So he did... To a tree. By their feet."

That keeps the thought flowing more smoothly, from "no kill" to "what?" to "tie up" to "to what" to "to a tree" to "how" to "by their feet".

Throwing the "rather..." in the middle makes the reader go back to the part of the sentence before the "rather" after they're done with it, so they can remember what they were reading about.

Just a suggestion, 'cause what you've got will also work fine. Good luck [img]smile.gif[/img]

Wysardry · 04-29-2004, 11:13 PM

It's a good job that there was only one sentence causing problems as it would probably take about ten years to create a single chapter of a novel using this collaborative method.

Aelia Jusa · 04-29-2004, 11:16 PM

Yes, I like Illumina's best too. Also note that when you have a colon you don't capitalise the next word, so it would be "So he did: by their feet."

"So he did: To a nearby tree, by their feet." This one is also ambiguous because it may mean the tree is by their feet not that they are being hung by their feet.

theGrimm · 04-30-2004, 03:44 AM

Well, I might be nitpicking AND too late, but isn't it a bit redundant to mention that the bandits are "living" when you're already saying he isn't going to kill them, thereby implying they are alive?

My thoughts:

Dron decided to simply tie up the two bandits, rather than kill them. So he did. To a tree. By their feet.

I do like the choppiness, best achieved with full stops, IMHO.

Wysardry · 04-30-2004, 06:35 AM

I would assume that previous sentences describe how certain other bandits did end up being killed.

Donut · 04-30-2004, 08:38 AM

Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

Don't split infinitives!!!

It's: "simply to tie up"

quietman1920 · 04-30-2004, 09:26 AM

"Dron decided to simply tie up the two living bandits rather than kill them. So he did: To a nearby tree, by their feet."

I guess you can't really say 'remaining bandits' if there are others out there somewhere. That and of course there may have been Undead bandits.

Ilander · 04-30-2004, 10:34 PM

Isn't it great??? Thanks to Ironworks, Dron now gets to graduate high school!!! Anyway, yeah, everthing's too late now...he's officially (and unofficially) done.

Although he HAS expressed interest in writing more on the adventures of Dron Cah...

Dron_Cah · 04-30-2004, 11:47 PM

Well, actually the alleviating boredom b4 i shot myself was the imprtant thing, Poo, but i guess you got that by my previous posts. Anyways, yeah the hell is over, and I'm enjoying cloud 9 quite well, thank you. [img]smile.gif[/img]

04-29-2004, 11:07 PM	#11
Bungleau 40th Level Warrior Join Date: October 29, 2001 Location: Western Wilds of Michigan Posts: 11,752	Hopefully I haven't missed it yet, but I'd say it just a little differently: "Rather than kill them, Dron decided to simply tie up the two living bandits. So he did... To a tree. By their feet." That keeps the thought flowing more smoothly, from "no kill" to "what?" to "tie up" to "to what" to "to a tree" to "how" to "by their feet". Throwing the "rather..." in the middle makes the reader go back to the part of the sentence before the "rather" after they're done with it, so they can remember what they were reading about. Just a suggestion, 'cause what you've got will also work fine. Good luck [img]smile.gif[/img] __________________ B Save Early, Save Often Save Before, Save After Two-Star General, Spelling Soldiers -+-+-+ Give 'em a hug one more time. It might be the last.

04-29-2004, 11:16 PM	#13
Aelia Jusa Iron Throne Cult Join Date: August 23, 2001 Location: Brisbane, Australia Age: 42 Posts: 4,867	Yes, I like Illumina's best too. Also note that when you have a colon you don't capitalise the next word, so it would be "So he did: by their feet." "So he did: To a nearby tree, by their feet." This one is also ambiguous because it may mean the tree is by their feet not that they are being hung by their feet. __________________

04-30-2004, 08:38 AM	#16
Donut Jack Burton Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: Airstrip One Age: 40 Posts: 5,571	Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Don't split infinitives!!! It's: "simply to tie up" __________________ [img]\"http://www.wheatsheaf.freeserve.co.uk/roastspurs.gif\" alt=\" - \" /> <br />Proud member of the Axis of Upheaval<br />Official Titterer of the Laughing Hyenas<br />Josiah Bartlet - the best President the US never had.<br />The 1st D in the D & D Show

04-30-2004, 09:26 AM	#17
quietman1920 Avatar Join Date: January 6, 2003 Location: NJ, USA Age: 25 Posts: 550	"Dron decided to simply tie up the two living bandits rather than kill them. So he did: To a nearby tree, by their feet." I guess you can't really say 'remaining bandits' if there are others out there somewhere. That and of course there may have been Undead bandits. __________________ <b>\"In the darkest hour theres a light that shines on every human being...but one!\"</b>

04-30-2004, 10:34 PM	#18
Ilander 20th Level Warrior Join Date: December 28, 2003 Location: Kentucky Age: 38 Posts: 2,820	Isn't it great??? Thanks to Ironworks, Dron now gets to graduate high school!!! Anyway, yeah, everthing's too late now...he's officially (and unofficially) done. Although he HAS expressed interest in writing more on the adventures of Dron Cah... __________________ Is that what you really want to say?

04-29-2004, 11:13 PM	#12
Wysardry Elite Waterdeep Guard Join Date: February 2, 2004 Location: UK Age: 57 Posts: 40	It's a good job that there was only one sentence causing problems as it would probably take about ten years to create a single chapter of a novel using this collaborative method.

04-30-2004, 03:44 AM	#14
theGrimm Manshoon Join Date: January 19, 2004 Location: South Africa Age: 44 Posts: 162	Well, I might be nitpicking AND too late, but isn't it a bit redundant to mention that the bandits are "living" when you're already saying he isn't going to kill them, thereby implying they are alive? My thoughts: Dron decided to simply tie up the two bandits, rather than kill them. So he did. To a tree. By their feet. I do like the choppiness, best achieved with full stops, IMHO.

04-30-2004, 06:35 AM	#15
Wysardry Elite Waterdeep Guard Join Date: February 2, 2004 Location: UK Age: 57 Posts: 40	I would assume that previous sentences describe how certain other bandits did end up being killed.

04-30-2004, 11:47 PM	#19
Dron_Cah Horus - Egyptian Sky God Join Date: March 2, 2003 Location: Kentucky Age: 37 Posts: 2,637	Well, actually the alleviating boredom b4 i shot myself was the imprtant thing, Poo, but i guess you got that by my previous posts. Anyways, yeah the hell is over, and I'm enjoying cloud 9 quite well, thank you. [img]smile.gif[/img]

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