Nuggets of wisdom from Steven Wright

John D Harris · 06-25-2004, 10:26 PM

1 . I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 . Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 . Half the people you know are below average.

4 . 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 . 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 . A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

7 . A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 . If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9 . All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10 . The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 . I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12 . OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 . How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 . If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 . Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 . When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 . Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 . Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 . I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

20 . If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 . Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 . What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 . My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 . Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 . If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 . A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 . Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 . The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 . To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 . The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 . The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 . Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Lord · 06-25-2004, 10:42 PM

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

[img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

Lauren · 06-25-2004, 11:05 PM

hehehehe, those are good John... I especially like:
9. All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
Heh heh heh

[img]graemlins/1pokeme.gif[/img]

Jorath Calar · 06-25-2004, 11:22 PM

Ah Stve Wright is great. I heard an album of his some time ago, one I remember was
"If I fill my swimming pool with dry ice can I swim without getting wet..."
[img]smile.gif[/img]

[ 06-25-2004, 11:25 PM: Message edited by: Jorath Calar ]

06-25-2004, 10:26 PM	#1
John D Harris Ninja Storm Shadow Join Date: March 27, 2001 Location: Northport,Alabama, USA Age: 62 Posts: 3,577	1 . I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 . Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 . Half the people you know are below average. 4 . 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 . 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 . A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good. 7 . A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 . If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. 9 . All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand. 10 . The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 . I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 12 . OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 . How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 . If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 . Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 . When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 . Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 . Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19 . I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. 20 . If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 . Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 . What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 . My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 . Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25 . If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 . A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 . Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 . The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 . To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 . The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 . The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 . Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. __________________ Crustiest of the OLD COOTS "Donating mirrors for years to help the Liberal/Socialist find their collective rear-ends, because both hands doesn't seem to be working. Veitnam 61-65:KIA 1864 66:KIA 5008 67:KIA 9378 68:KIA 14594 69:KIA 9414 70:KIA 4221 71:KIA 1380 72:KIA 300 Afghanistan2001-2008 KIA 585 2009-2012 KIA 1465 and counting Davros 1 Much abliged Massachusetts

06-25-2004, 10:42 PM	#2
Lord Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice Join Date: June 3, 2003 Location: New York Age: 39 Posts: 3,302	My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img] __________________ "You're a thief and a liar." "No, I only lied about being a thief."

06-25-2004, 11:05 PM	#3
Lauren Baaz Draconian Join Date: May 24, 2004 Location: Bundaberg, Queensland, Australia Age: 35 Posts: 721	hehehehe, those are good John... I especially like: 9. All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand. Heh heh heh [img]graemlins/1pokeme.gif[/img] __________________ "So many thoughts running through my head, I know what you feel, I know what you dread; When a room's filled with laughter, when a room's filled with lies, you're the only one I know that's in disguise..."

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06-25-2004, 11:22 PM	#4
Jorath Calar Harper Join Date: October 6, 2001 Location: Iceland Posts: 4,706	Ah Stve Wright is great. I heard an album of his some time ago, one I remember was "If I fill my swimming pool with dry ice can I swim without getting wet..." [img]smile.gif[/img] [ 06-25-2004, 11:25 PM: Message edited by: Jorath Calar ]

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