Oil change instructions

[John D Harris]

Oil Change instructions for Women:
Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change. Drink a cup of coffee. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle. Money spent Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
home. Open a beer and drink it.
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
Give up and use crescent wrench.
Unscrew drain plug.
Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
Have another beer while watching oil drain.
Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench .
Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
twist off. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to
avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan
full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
Remember drain plug from step 11.
Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along
with drain plug. Drink beer. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly
cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash
drain plug in lawnmower gas. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil spill. Drink beer.
Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag
used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
Begin cussing fit. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
Cuss for additional 10 minutes Beer
Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
Beer.
Beer.
Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
Beer.
Lower car from jack stands.
Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps
23 - 43.
Beer.
Test drive car.
Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
Car gets impounded.
Call loving wife, make bail.
12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00
Beer
$40.00 Total-- $4165.00
-- But you know the job was done right.

[Animal]

Oil change instructions for women:

Wait until the engine starts making funny noises.
Drive another 1000 miles until the idiot light comes on.
Check oil. Drive another 1000 miles, becasue no oil on the dipstick is good right?
Replace engine.

[Animal]

Besides I wouldn't trust Jiffy Lube to change the oil in my lawnmower, never mind an $8000 engine I just built from scratch.

[Stormymystic]

I change my own oil, thank you very much , learned to do all that stuff when I was 11

[Firestormalpha]

You don't get many girls, do you animal?

[Stormymystic]

Originally posted by Firestormalpha: You don't get many girls, do you animal?

ROFLMAO...yeah answer that one Animal [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[Felix The Assassin]

Two things;

1. I would not trust jiffy lube to change the oil in .....

2. Even when one goes the the latest rave place for a oil change, you know, Ferrari, Bently, Mercs etc.. outside. And the well educated oil technician has to ask you where the filter is located you know you have a slight problem.

I always tell him it's where the last tech replaced it at. I'll let em suffer for a good bit, then explain to him that on these types of motors it's located inside the engine, and point it out to em.

I could just see a jiffy lube guy trying to figure out how to put a screwdriver through the engine block to get at the oil filter in the first place. Never mind the star 30 access plug right there at the tip of his nose.

Felix

[wellard]

Originally posted by Firestormalpha: You don't get many girls, do you animal?

LOL Oh! that must of hurt [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

[Animal]

Originally posted by Firestormalpha: You don't get many girls, do you animal?

Actually, I prefer women. I'll leave the girls for you.

[Firestormalpha]

Animal, I seriously doubt you've had many of those either.