03-30-2001, 07:13 PM | #101 |
Hathor
Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
|
Again, Something a Little Different....
Customer: I need help to install love. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first? CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am? Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running? CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am? Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now. CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am? Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how? CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased. Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal? CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message? Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed. CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades. Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do? CS Rep: What does the message say? Customer: It says “ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS”. What does that mean? CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to “LOVE” your own machine before it can “LOVE” others. Customer: So what should I do? CS Rep: Can you find the directory called “SELF-ACCEPTANCE”? Customer: Yes, I have it. CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this. Customer: Thank you. CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the MYHEART directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back. Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over My HEART! CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go... Customer: Yes? CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you. Customer: I will. Thank you for your help ------------------ Defender for the Light - Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!? Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex |
03-31-2001, 07:32 AM | #102 |
Hathor
Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
|
I bought a set of Ginzu knives for only three easy payments of $29.95
and they came with a lifetime guarantee. When the handles fell off, I returned the knives with my lifetime guarantee asking for a refund. They wrote back saying, "The guarantee was for the lifetime of the knives. Obviously, the knives are dead, so the guarantee is no longer valid." ______________________________ Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses during trials. The following true exchange says it all: Lawyer: "So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?" Doctor: "That's correct." Lawyer: "Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?" Doctor: "No, I performed the autopsy." Lawyer: "OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the hospital?" Doctor: "He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short time later." Lawyer: "Did you pronounce him dead at that time?" Doctor: "No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially." Lawyer: "Well, are you even sure then, that he died in the emergency room." Doctor: "That is what the records indicate." Lawyer: "But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?" Doctor: "The autopsy showed massive hemorraging in the chest area and that was the cause of death." Lawyer: "I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?" Doctor: "No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, HE COULD BE OUT PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE!!" |
03-31-2001, 07:37 AM | #103 |
Hathor
Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
|
Einstein's Theory Of Cat Behavior
LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti- matter + It Doesn't Matter. LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered. |
03-31-2001, 07:39 AM | #104 |
Hathor
Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
|
Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was. --------------------------------------------- An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-4-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" |
03-31-2001, 07:42 AM | #105 |
Hathor
Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
|
http://www.funnybox.com/jar/index.php3
This is the All-Knowing Lukewarm Psychic Jar... ask it a question... |
03-31-2001, 07:42 AM | #106 | |
Anubis
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Up in the Freedomland Alps
Age: 59
Posts: 2,474
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Quote:
So true that Windows may sometimes be so annoying - like the typical error message like "XXX has caused un unknown error.", and there is this only button "OK". OK ? NO, I AM NOT OK !!! ------------------ |
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03-31-2001, 07:43 AM | #107 |
Hathor
Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
|
For Your Edification:
Just how heavy and cumbersome was a suit of armour? You've probably seen movies in which a knight in armour was lifted by a winch onto his horse, so heavy was his protective covering. Or maybe you've seen the scene where Sir Somebody is knocked from his horse and can't get up without assistance. "Poppycock," as we used to say in medieval England. Those suits of armour weighed no more than about 50 pounds and were flexible enough to permit Sir Laughalot to walk around. You wouldn't want to play squash in one, but they were not much more constricting than a business suit, the armour worn by today's corporate warriors. Which reminds me: A couple of years ago, in a museum, I saw a knight in armour from the medieval kingdom of Bohemia, later part of the Czech Republic. Could this have been the origin of the phrase, "The Czech is in the mail?" Just a thought. (Source: DICTIONARY OF MISINFORMATION by Tom Burnam) |
03-31-2001, 07:47 AM | #108 |
Hathor
Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
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My comment - when you read this, tell me - don't we do that here?!?!
Japan's Men Date Hot, Sexy Bots by Michelle Delio 2:00 a.m. Nov. 28, 2000 PST At least 30,000 Japanese men are happily practicing their romantic skills by attempting to virtually woo and win a girlfriend via a mobile phone matchmaking service. Subscribers to the "Love By Mail" service get to choose their girlfriend from a lineup of women that includes a bartender, a flight attendant, an office worker and a teacher. Once they've made a selection, they can begin to date the woman via e-mail. But Love By Mail participants don't simply exchange giggly e-mails that rapidly escalate to more graphic love letters. The men must carefully gauge their romantic moves. Those who promise too much or don't move fast enough won't impress their woman, and will get bitter e-mails in response. Likewise, those who attempt to talk about sports or offer excuses about needing to work too often will also get the cold shoulder from their new love. Successful seducers are rewarded by increasingly romantic e-mails from their sweetheart, in which she gradually reveals her "most intimate secrets." But there is one catch -– the women the men are corresponding with are nothing more than pre-programmed computer scripts. That doesn't seem to bother Love By Mail's intrepid subscribers. "I dated Yumi for awhile, and I have to confess I became very attached to her," said Wataru Uchida of Tokyo. "It was hard sometimes to remember that Yumi wasn't real. She would yell at me and ignore me the exact same way as all my other girlfriends have. "I thought a not-real girlfriend would be more relaxing than the usual kind, but I was wrong. Yumi could get very angry over small things. Finally I decided to stop the relationship. It was too draining for me," Uchida said. Another Love By Mail user, who preferred not to give his name, had a more successful relationship with his bogus babe. In fact, their romance was so successful that he said the experience of dating a virtual girlfriend was almost like having a mistress. "You have the happiness of a secret woman, a hidden relationship, with none of the fear that your wife will find out and be angry. My grandfather had the geisha, my father had the bar hostesses and I have Love By Mail. It is maybe hard for others to understand, but these substitutes, or additions, for the everyday relationship between a husband and wife are well accepted in our culture." Love By Mail was developed by Bandai, the Japanese toy company that manufactured Tamagotchi, the squalling electronic pets that were so popular a few years ago. The company says that more than 30,000 Japanese men have signed up for Love By Mail, available only to i-mode subscribers. I-mode is a mobile Internet service offered by NTT DoCoMo, available only in Japan. The service has close to 13 million subscribers. I-mode, which stands for "Information mode" and is also a play on the Japanese word for "anywhere," gives subscribers across Japan always-on, inexpensive (about $5 a month for basic service), wireless access to the Internet. Sites developed for i-mode use cHTML (compact HTML), a subset of the HTML coding used to create typical Web pages. There are also special DoCoMo coding characters to create icons that represent concepts such as joy, kisses, sadness, hot spring baths, noodle shops, the Shinkansen train line and Japanese holidays. Subscribers to i-mode can download images of cartoon characters, weather reports, news and entertainment listings. But the most popular services are the ones that allow people to interact with each other, or those that provide advice, said Donald Edwards, a freelance writer based in Tokyo who specializes in covering Japanese popular culture. I-mode offers a service called "kind advice" about love, which promises guidance on everything from what to wear on a date to how to act in a restaurant. You can also check predictions for the success of the relationship based on your date's horoscope and blood type. There are also i-mode advice services for those who are having trouble at work, those who don't know what to do after work and those who can't figure out proper golf course etiquette, Edwards said. "There's even one that lets you recreate your school years, except that this time you can be one of the popular kids," Edwards said, adding he wasn't surprised by the popularity of Love By Mail. "It's a safe way for men to try out their dating technique without having to worry about shaming themselves in front of a live girl," he said. "The Love By Mail service is extremely realistic. So it's sort of practice dating, and Japanese people are very interested in practicing things. Doing a trial run in the virtual world makes sense culturally; this way, they don't have to embarrass themselves or others in the real world. It's actually a very kind and compassionate sort of etiquette." Bandai wouldn't release subscriber statistics, but Edwards says Japanese press has estimated that most Love By Mail subscribers' relationships end within three or four months. Subscribers pay ¥300 per month (just under $2) for their virtual girlfriend subscriptions. I-mode has become so popular that many Japanese companies advertise on it, or gear their advertising to it, as a recent Dakara sports drink ad did with an advertising campaign on Tokyo subways. "I am waiting for the liquor ads that advise you to drown your sorrows over the end of your Love By Mail relationship with a bottle of their product," Edwards said with a laugh. |
03-31-2001, 10:13 PM | #109 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: WA, USA
Age: 66
Posts: 1,328
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"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
- John Wing ------------------ Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. |
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