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Old 05-07-2001, 03:25 PM   #1
Mouse
Ironworks Moderator
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Scotland
Posts: 2,788
Apologies if this is an old one, but I just came across it again and it made me grin

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...

Section 1.
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly
rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes,wheezing like
an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is
what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being
repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02
I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2.
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take
the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team
loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible
to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3.
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell
them that you are better hung than a large balled Himalayan yak, and an
elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01
I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4.
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect
you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair
annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

Section 5.
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you
fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there,
grinning.

Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if
any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them
around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my
body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause
your gut to swell to proportions of a nine month pregnancy.

Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's arse
and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04
I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love
your *weekend* beard...

Section 6.
After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if
men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have"ruined
me for other men".

Section 6.
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote
control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a
fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything
*mechanical*.

Section 6.01
With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine
and dryer, cooker, fridge, rubbish bin, vacuum cleaner, nappies and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (female)

------------------
Regards



Mouse

[This message has been edited by Mouse (edited 05-07-2001).]
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