it is over

250 · 05-26-2002, 07:46 PM

after a year of trying to love a survivor of repeated rapes and sexual abuse, now it is over.

God knows I tried everything. I gave her my heart, and it broke into tiny little pieces the more n more I grew attached to her. no amount of love can ease her pain, and change her cynic view towards me. till today, there is no more place for another scar. it is over, and I am soaking with all the pain and tears. it hurts so much.

Yorick · 05-26-2002, 07:54 PM

You gave it your best shot Leo. Nothing more you can do. If it's any consolation I was in a similar situation. We can't always heal the ones we love. In the process, by loving them, we become vulnerable to hurting us.

The thing to ask yourself, is are YOU a better person as a result? What have you learned about yourself? About life? You can take what you've learned into the next relationship. Into the way you deal with people/

I dearly hope the pain is bearable Leo. You're a great guy. Take comfort in the knowledge that many of us have walked the path you're facing at the moment. God bless you Leo.

Hugh

250 · 05-26-2002, 07:58 PM

thanks Hugh, I am a better person there is not doubt. but it hurts SO MUCH. too much...

Reeka · 05-26-2002, 08:02 PM

Oh, 250, I am sorry; I had no idea. I must commend you for trying and giving of yourself, but I think this is a situation that will require her to receive the kind of help that you cannot provide. Sexual abuse in any form is a horrific and scarring experience. It would be wonderful if just having someone love the victim unconditionally would be enough for healing to take place, but this is pretty unrealistic. Not knowing the details of the nature and longevity of her abuse it is hard to say, but usually this kind of thing necessitates years of professional help to have any chance at being able to be in a normal relationship. Even then, the scars are lifelong and do not ever go away. Rape, sexual abuse, whatever form it takes damages the soul. I hope you friend will get the help she needs if she isn't already.

I also hope that you are not thinking that you did anything wrong. This is just an incredibly big problem. Regardless of the circumstances, victims tend to blame themselves and hate themselves for what has happened to them. And they have feelings of unworthiness to have someone love them. Perhaps in time and with help, she will be ready to receive the love someone has for her.

I am sure you are hurting about this; she probably is too. It would be nice if "love conquers all," but the unfortunate truth is it doesn't.

250, you will be in my thoughts as well as she will.

*hugs*

Melusine · 05-26-2002, 08:08 PM

Leo, I'm so sorry... my sympathies to you *big hug*
Take good care of yourself

Reeka and Yorick, those are amazing posts - I could not possibly add anything to that... so thanks for writing something that actually gives a better idea of what I would like to say than anything I could say myself.

05-26-2002, 08:19 PM

My heart goes out to you Leo. I have seen similar circumstances and even seen offenders get off lightly. People don't understand the damage that has been caused.

You are a special person to have given your heart to this girl and I'm sorry that it all did not end well.

Aviendha.

250 · 05-26-2002, 08:24 PM

thanks Reeka and Melusine... the pain makes me think life is unbearable. God knows I dont want to leave her like that, I dont want her to be lonely. but there is no way I can continue this. it will only cause me more pain, sigh. thanks everybody

Aelia Jusa · 05-26-2002, 08:26 PM

250, I'm so sorry. I saw some of how you were feeling, and what you did - you not only tried to love her, you did love her. I hope you'll be okay *hugs*

Larry_OHF · 05-26-2002, 08:27 PM

250, ever since I heard about it...I don't remember how long ago or what thread, I have been changed in the way I view my own life and those I love...most importantly, what would I ever do in a similar situation. Your example of strength and devotion to her has been for me very important. There are people on this forum that will attest to the truth of those words.

I know you worked harder than alot of other men would have in your situation, and you are honored for your effort. Apparently, she is not wanting to let go of the past. (I imagine that it is almost impossible to do so).She (to me) does not want to be healed at the moment.

Damn...I hope that sounds right...

I suffer greatly the thoughts of what might occur, daily. It has made me nearly crazy. Knowing only a little of your related history has caused me to strive for home and family protection...maybe to the extreme...but not in my mind.

All I can say is, you tried your best to show her you wanted to help, and if she refused to see it, then you cannot be blamed. Please sleep peacefully now.

[ 05-26-2002, 08:28 PM: Message edited by: Larry_OHF ]

250 · 05-26-2002, 08:39 PM

sigh, you guys are so passionate. thanks

05-26-2002, 07:54 PM	#2
Yorick Very Mad Bird Join Date: January 7, 2001 Location: Breukelen (over the river from New Amsterdam) Age: 52 Posts: 9,246	You gave it your best shot Leo. Nothing more you can do. If it's any consolation I was in a similar situation. We can't always heal the ones we love. In the process, by loving them, we become vulnerable to hurting us. The thing to ask yourself, is are YOU a better person as a result? What have you learned about yourself? About life? You can take what you've learned into the next relationship. Into the way you deal with people/ I dearly hope the pain is bearable Leo. You're a great guy. Take comfort in the knowledge that many of us have walked the path you're facing at the moment. God bless you Leo. Hugh __________________ http://www.hughwilson.com

05-26-2002, 08:02 PM	#4
Reeka Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice Join Date: March 2, 2001 Location: Birmingham, Alabama, USA Age: 70 Posts: 3,255	Oh, 250, I am sorry; I had no idea. I must commend you for trying and giving of yourself, but I think this is a situation that will require her to receive the kind of help that you cannot provide. Sexual abuse in any form is a horrific and scarring experience. It would be wonderful if just having someone love the victim unconditionally would be enough for healing to take place, but this is pretty unrealistic. Not knowing the details of the nature and longevity of her abuse it is hard to say, but usually this kind of thing necessitates years of professional help to have any chance at being able to be in a normal relationship. Even then, the scars are lifelong and do not ever go away. Rape, sexual abuse, whatever form it takes damages the soul. I hope you friend will get the help she needs if she isn't already. I also hope that you are not thinking that you did anything wrong. This is just an incredibly big problem. Regardless of the circumstances, victims tend to blame themselves and hate themselves for what has happened to them. And they have feelings of unworthiness to have someone love them. Perhaps in time and with help, she will be ready to receive the love someone has for her. I am sure you are hurting about this; she probably is too. It would be nice if "love conquers all," but the unfortunate truth is it doesn't. 250, you will be in my thoughts as well as she will. hugs __________________ <b>Order of the Holy Flame</b><br /><i>Member of Clan HADB</i><br /><b>Laughing Hyena</b><br /><i>Clan Liaison, IW Peace Keeping Force</i><br /><i>[url]\"http://www.the-silver-river.com/Forum/index.php?board=29\" target=\"_blank\">The Silver River VoiceChat!</a><br />Last Saturday of every month. <br />See the forum link for scheduling!<br /><b> </b><br /></i><br /><b>Admin and Co-Owner of [url]\"http://www.the-silver-river.com\" target=\"_blank\">The Silver River</a></b><br />[url]\"http://www.the-silver-river.com\" target=\"_blank\"></a>

05-26-2002, 08:08 PM	#5
Melusine Dracolisk Join Date: January 8, 2001 Location: Amsterdam, The Netherlands Age: 43 Posts: 6,541	Leo, I'm so sorry... my sympathies to you big hug Take good care of yourself Reeka and Yorick, those are amazing posts - I could not possibly add anything to that... so thanks for writing something that actually gives a better idea of what I would like to say than anything I could say myself. __________________ [img]\"hosted/melusine.jpg\" alt=\" - \" /><br />Your voice is ambrosia

05-26-2002, 08:26 PM	#8
Aelia Jusa Iron Throne Cult Join Date: August 23, 2001 Location: Brisbane, Australia Age: 42 Posts: 4,867	250, I'm so sorry. I saw some of how you were feeling, and what you did - you not only tried to love her, you did love her. I hope you'll be okay hugs __________________

05-26-2002, 08:27 PM	#9
Larry_OHF Ironworks Moderator Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: Midlands, South Carolina Age: 48 Posts: 14,759	250, ever since I heard about it...I don't remember how long ago or what thread, I have been changed in the way I view my own life and those I love...most importantly, what would I ever do in a similar situation. Your example of strength and devotion to her has been for me very important. There are people on this forum that will attest to the truth of those words. I know you worked harder than alot of other men would have in your situation, and you are honored for your effort. Apparently, she is not wanting to let go of the past. (I imagine that it is almost impossible to do so).She (to me) does not want to be healed at the moment. Damn...I hope that sounds right... I suffer greatly the thoughts of what might occur, daily. It has made me nearly crazy. Knowing only a little of your related history has caused me to strive for home and family protection...maybe to the extreme...but not in my mind. All I can say is, you tried your best to show her you wanted to help, and if she refused to see it, then you cannot be blamed. Please sleep peacefully now. [ 05-26-2002, 08:28 PM: Message edited by: Larry_OHF ] __________________

05-26-2002, 07:46 PM	#1
250 Horus - Egyptian Sky God Join Date: March 4, 2001 Location: either CA or MO Age: 42 Posts: 2,674	after a year of trying to love a survivor of repeated rapes and sexual abuse, now it is over. God knows I tried everything. I gave her my heart, and it broke into tiny little pieces the more n more I grew attached to her. no amount of love can ease her pain, and change her cynic view towards me. till today, there is no more place for another scar. it is over, and I am soaking with all the pain and tears. it hurts so much.

05-26-2002, 07:58 PM	#3
250 Horus - Egyptian Sky God Join Date: March 4, 2001 Location: either CA or MO Age: 42 Posts: 2,674	thanks Hugh, I am a better person there is not doubt. but it hurts SO MUCH. too much...

05-26-2002, 08:19 PM	#6
lroyo Guest Posts: n/a	My heart goes out to you Leo. I have seen similar circumstances and even seen offenders get off lightly. People don't understand the damage that has been caused. You are a special person to have given your heart to this girl and I'm sorry that it all did not end well. Aviendha.

05-26-2002, 08:24 PM	#7
250 Horus - Egyptian Sky God Join Date: March 4, 2001 Location: either CA or MO Age: 42 Posts: 2,674	thanks Reeka and Melusine... the pain makes me think life is unbearable. God knows I dont want to leave her like that, I dont want her to be lonely. but there is no way I can continue this. it will only cause me more pain, sigh. thanks everybody

05-26-2002, 08:39 PM	#10
250 Horus - Egyptian Sky God Join Date: March 4, 2001 Location: either CA or MO Age: 42 Posts: 2,674	sigh, you guys are so passionate. thanks

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