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Old 06-10-2002, 11:44 PM   #1
Lady Blue03
Xanathar Thieves Guild
 

Join Date: January 18, 2002
Age: 38
Posts: 4,557
Hello everyone! Im sure lots of you have viewed my Insightful Prose thread for my AP Lang&Comp final, and if you havnt just check it out real fast so u know where im comnig form here.

Well thats the 2nd part of the final. The 1st part is reading a piece of poetry or prose we wrote ourselves. So heres mine, tell me whatcha think! For all those who wanted to see my free-verse poetry, this is it, though not my best quality

Fingers pressing easily on mother-of-pearl keys
Staring out into a crowd
Faces both familiar and not
Notes flowing smoothly in a well-rounded tone
Taking rhythms from nowhere
And relaying them to the anticipating masses
Drawing to a close
Choking the last note off abruptly
Recieving enthusiastic cheers and applause
Or a standing ovation
This is what playing saxaphone brings you
And i would never change it

So there it is, rather proud of my 10 minute work
Any recommendations for fixing it up or making it more dramatic are welcome also
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Old 06-11-2002, 12:02 AM   #2
Downunda
Set - Egyptian God of Chaos
 

Join Date: January 7, 2002
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand
Age: 45
Posts: 2,975
Great stuff Jen, I was picturing you on the stage in one of those poet cafe things with a beret and little round glasses on.

Wish I was better at literature - poems, stories, the works but I have trouble putting my thoughts on paper
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Old 06-11-2002, 12:22 AM   #3
Azred
Drow Priestess
 

Join Date: March 13, 2001
Location: a hidden sanctorum high above the metroplex
Age: 54
Posts: 4,037
You might try accentuating how the faces in the crowd are both familiar and not; something like "faces in the crowd/strangely familiar and familiarly strange" or something like that, taking advantage of the turn-around of the two words.
Also, you state that playing the saxophone brings cheers and applause, but what does it really bring you on a personal level? It never hurts to let the reader know where you go emotionally when you play, or how it feels when you play for others.
Finally, I would find somewhere else from which to have rythyms originate than "nowhere"; from your soul, perhaps.

For 10 minutes, not bad at all. [img]graemlins/awesomework.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/petard.gif[/img]
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Old 06-11-2002, 12:29 AM   #4
DeSoya
Manshoon
 

Join Date: March 27, 2002
Location: Boulder, CO
Age: 45
Posts: 199
I'd make the following changes. They're kinda subtle... I took them straight out of your verse so read closely.

Quote:
Originally posted by Lady Blue03
Fingers press easy on mother-of-pearl keys
I Stare over a crowd
>Faces both familiar and not<
Notes flow smoothly in a well-rounded tone
Taking rhythms from nowhere.
Drawing to a close
The last note abruptly chokes off
enthusiastic cheers or a standing ovation
This is what playing saxaphone is.
I would never change it.
I'd rephrase the line in ><. I'm not sure what do with it. I just think that it would be a little bit better if it were a tad more terse. Right now the description seems clumsy. Another thought that I had for the second line was "Stareing into a crowded room".

It's a good bit of free verse. I want more personal details in it tho'. The mother-of-pearl keys is a kind of an intimate detail that really helps connect you and the reader. I hate to say this because it's so contrary to what I usually say but I think you use too many adverbs. I cut alot of lys and ings. Ummmmm... yeah. Don't be afraid to use punctuation either. Keep it up.

DeSoya

[ 06-11-2002, 12:32 AM: Message edited by: DeSoya ]
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Old 06-11-2002, 03:09 AM   #5
Glorfindel
Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice
 

Join Date: January 9, 2002
Location: Mt. Gambier, Australia
Age: 36
Posts: 3,337
Quote:
Originally posted by Downunda:
Great stuff Jen, I was picturing you on the stage in one of those poet cafe things with a beret and little round glasses on.

And now dunda.. you have just scared my fragile little mind [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img]
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