1 in 20 British Women Have Been Raped

[Sazerac]

It's a good point, Melusine. I do feel, however, that most men's outrage about rape isn't to "trivialize" what women have been through. It's also true that psychologically women generally are better equipped to deal with emotional trauma than men are, although this is certainly not always the case with everyone.

I've had two close female friends of mine who have been raped. One dealt with it very well; got counseling, picked up her life and went on. The other one couldn't get over it. She broke up with her boyfriend, another friend of mine, because she said "she couldn't bear having a man touch her." You can imagine how this made her boyfriend feel...dirty, as if all men are rapists. I can't blame her for her feelings, but they were rather unfair to him. I can understand men being very upset about rape if they think that women are going to view all of them like that.

P.S. As I said in another thread, it does distress me to see how many savage, bloodthirsty responses IW members pronounce in response to this kind of news. Such crimes are horrendous and must be punished to the fullest extent of the law, but some of the suggestions I read here make me think of 14th century mediaeval torture chambers. [img]graemlins/uhoh1.gif[/img]

-Sazerac

[ 07-23-2002, 04:27 PM: Message edited by: Sazerac ]

[Melusine]

That's absolutely true Saz. Rape is barbaric - an equally barbaric punishment will make you just as horrible as the rapist. I do feel, like I said, that I think rape should be punished severely, just not in quite such a primitive way.

What you said about your one friend connects to one of the things I was thinking. When men hasten to ascertain how terrible rape is, is it because they're afraid women see all men as potential rapists?
It must have been very hurtful for that girl's boyfriend, though I can understand her motivation.

okay, Saz, as you seem to have moved from discussing the debate to discussing the deebaters I shall pose you this question:

what would YOU do if you caught someone raping your daughter? there and then?

[Sir Taliesin]

Originally posted by Melusine: That's absolutely true Saz. Rape is barbaric - an equally barbaric punishment will make you just as horrible as the rapist. I do feel, like I said, that I think rape should be punished severely, just not in quite such a primitive way. What you said about your one friend connects to one of the things I was thinking. When men hasten to ascertain how terrible rape is, is it because they're afraid women see all men as potential rapists? It must have been very hurtful for that girl's boyfriend, though I can understand her motivation.

I think that is one reason. Also, as Sez so aptly (is that a word?) pointed out earlier, if the woman in question is in a relationship, then there are really two victims. The woman for obvious reasons, but also the the husband/boyfriend, because of the impact that the rape has on the relationship between a Husband and wife or a boyfriend/girlfriend. Sometimes it can mean the distruction of a family, possibly the sadest case of all.

Rape can happen to any loved one and it seems to happen a lot more frequently than anything else, like say murder. I find it repugnent. And when it happens, most men find out that there isn't a hell of a whole lot they can do about it. Here you are, a man, expected to protect your loved one, but you can't. It brings out feelings of inadequetcey (sp).

It's also hard for a man to figure out what to do to help in this kind of situation. You want to run out and make it better, but you can't. Only time really will help in the end. That and counselling. But most men have no idea how to cope with the rape of a loved one.

I'm rambling again. Sorry. I'll stop.

[AliCat]

I don't find the statistics quoted earlier all that surprising, as the statistic that I heard once is that one in four women is raped sometime during her lifetime.

I don't know how that is averaged out -- whether in figuring that they take into account gals who are raped several times (by different people) averaged over those never raped, or whether that's a world statistic versus just the United States. I expect one of us could do a search somewhere over the internet and find out.

I do believe it's true, however, as I've known two women who were gang-raped, one date-raped, another raped at knife point, another raped by a man posing as a policeman, and two others assaulted but escaping rape. I've been assaulted once, and had knives and scissors thrown within six inches from my head when I didn't want to have sex on one date. Most of the assaults listed above happened to girls/women who were either in their teens or late twenties.

You probably all know women who were raped, but who haven't told you about it, because they do not want to remember the details, because their self-esteem suffered and somehow they believe they "deserved" to be assaulted or denied the right to say "no", because there are ALWAYS friends and family who will say "well, you did kind of ask for it" regardless of how you were dressed or what you said or did.

I think some men get more upset, or at least publicly upset, about it than their girlfriends/wives/significant others do because for a lot of women, this is a fact of life. How many women at some point in their lives have not been stalked, or had a date push to go too far too soon, or have not had parents or well-meaning male friends or doctors chop away at their self-esteem by telling them that "no, that's not what happened" or that they don't have the right to their own bodies? Okay, that last sentence doesn't make the sense it should, but I think a few women will understand what I'm talking about, unless you've been lucky enough to have a stainless life. All it takes is for someone you care about to say something like "well, you led him on", and you won't bother calling your date rape a rape to anyone else, because the harassment isn't worth it. And there are others, whose basic attitude is "well, you lived through it, so stop whining".

[Daniel]

nah i cant believe that, Im a brit and in all my 19 years i have never met a rape victim, if those figures were true I would mean I should have met at least one every few weeks.

[AliCat]

Daniel --
1. How would you know?
2. Do you really think anyone is just going to up and tell you?

Of the rape victims I've met, not one ever brought this up in casual conversation. Their rapes were only brought up to explain something that couldn't be otherwise explained, like an abnormal fear of a person in uniform, or why a person couldn't have children. Note also that I'm a woman, and therefore less threatening. You, by your name, are not likely to be a woman, and I certainly wouldn't be telling you my victimization unless it was vital to our relationship, and maybe not even then. Also, you are relatively young (youngster!!), and women older than you would certainly not tell you something so personal unless trying to get you to behave right with your dates.

AliCat

[Melusine]

Originally posted by Daniel: nah i cant believe that, Im a brit and in all my 19 years i have never met a rape victim, if those figures were true I would mean I should have met at least one every few weeks.

Oh come on, Daniel - with such an attitude, why would ANY woman want to talk to you about their rape? AliCat is absolutely right. You've probably met quite a few of them but it's not like it's a common topic to chat about with a stranger, right? In all your 19 years... ROFLMAO! Uh sorry, but that's hardly a convincing argument. Like I said, probably the reason why no one came out and told you they were raped is because there was no reason to talk to you about it.

Sir Taliesin, that was a great insightful post, thanks!
It must be awful for the sig. other of the victim: you want to help, but your girlfriend's actually afraid of you. Since you would NEVER harm a woman, it's terribly painful and unfair to be compared to her attacker... Yet you understand the impact of the rape is so huge that each of your actions can be seen as threatening. What a horrible situation.

[ 07-24-2002, 06:07 AM: Message edited by: Melusine ]

[Sir Taliesin]

It is a tough situation to be in. It takes a lot of time and understanding to heal. Time for the woman and understanding from here partner.

Daniel, this is in no way a flame, but you need to open your eyes and get real. Just because you personally don't know about doesn't mean it never happens or that statistics aren't correct. My guess is that you have met one every week. Maybe, even more frequently than that.

[ 07-24-2002, 06:53 AM: Message edited by: Sir Taliesin ]

[AzureWolf]

I dont find it hard to believe at all, 3 out of 4 of my female cousins have been raped and several female friends too. Christchurch isnt a more violent place then others but it goes to show how commonplace it is