Jokes from the Archive of Multitudes

[Charean]

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You
know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in
Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and
buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more
people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes
back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, he falls again,
bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him.

The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back
pretty messed p - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time, and
says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord is fine, but what the hell is a piñata?"

[Charean]

Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction?

Optimist:
The glass is half full.

Pessimist:
The glass is half empty.

Futurist:
The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.

Pascal programmers:
Well, what type of milk is it?

C Programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.

Assembly programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.

MIS Analyst:
I'LL DRINK IT IF YOU CAN GIVE ME UNTIL NEXT YEAR.

Fuzzy logic guys:
I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.

Prolog programmers:
I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.

Non-procedural language programmers:
I drank it when nobody was looking.

Pentium users:
I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.

Windows users:
Where's my straw?

Mac users:
Where's my pump?

UNIX users:
Nahh . . . too easy.

Shareware game author:
That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.

Security consultant:
Where'd the rest of the milk go?

CIA:
What makes you think that's milk?

NSA:
We know what it really is.

Copy protection crazies:
Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it!

Free Software Foundation:
That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind!

Schroedinger:
That damned cat got into the milk again!

Bill Gates:
Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.

Apple Computer:
You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.

IBM:
Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is good for you.

IRS:
Thanks for getting your milk witholding correct this year.

[Charean]

These are actual answers given on High School Science Tests:

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred
to be oil.

All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels and condoms.

Men are mammals and women are femammals.

Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.

The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.

Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.

Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and
you sit on the bottom.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Some people say we condescended from the apes.

The leopard has black spots which look like round soars on its body.
Those who catch soars get leprosy.

The three cavities of the body are the head cavity, the tooth cavity and
the abominable cavity.

Most books say the sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back
into the sun in the daytime.

Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.

A liter is a nest of young baby animals.

The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.

Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebra was the wife of Euclid.

A circle is a figure with 0 corners and only one side.

A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight.

Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.

A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a
great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.

As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit so never mind.

[Charean]

H&R Block rep's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that
needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story.
This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the
midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions,
and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are
evil & expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to
care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over
the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and
reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions
about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed
to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should
be a breeze; next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful
that you will now be responsible for that little expense.

While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating
some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early
to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she
possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I
have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is
always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this
in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had
a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you
like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, Utah? Kids at 14
will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good
news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that
you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask
the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of
terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand
the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her
to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy
and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of
"nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the
entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of
the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you
will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with
Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I
still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you
take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as
possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover
the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,
Bob

Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date: "Rats,
they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."

[Charean]

The FBI Agent and the Pizza Man

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital...

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front
doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back
to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to
bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have
the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so. ::: click :::

[Charean]

(These are selections from a book called "Then Some Other Things
Happened", a collection of short pieces about history written by eigth
graders and compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist. Wording
and spelling have not been changed.)

PILGRAM INTERUPTERS

The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship as
they wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here
because they heard that American churches were different.

The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn't have a
bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscillia Mullins was the
captain.

First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their children
started developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsbug when a
large storm blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in
Massatusetts. They spent the winter there.

Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the
people of Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congressmen.
They kept this hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was elected
the first governor of Plymouth Rock.

A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how to plant corn
by putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been the first Indian to come
to America and always wanted a beer. He traveled around with Miles
Standy and translated language. He knew enough English to interupt.

Another interupter for the white man was Squanto, who was called that
because he was so short. Squanto drew up a declaration to give the
settlers freedom of government in the new land. The Pilgrams gave the
Indians thanks for all this and that's what started Thanksgiving.

The Pilgrams then appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abraham
Lincoln later pronounced it and gave it to them and it soon became a
national holiday all around the world.

These people always wore old shoes with a big buckel on the top of them.
The men wore pants that only came a little ways past the knees and the
girls wore funny bonets.

But if these people wouldn't had of come to America the United States
wouldn't be like it is today.

[Charean]

Headlines for the Apocolypse:

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD.

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS.

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN?

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE.

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE.

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER.

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING.

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR.

Readers Digest: 'BYE.

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE
WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN.
TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE.

Microsoft's Web Site: If you didn't experience the rapture,
download software patch RAPT777.EXE.




[This message has been edited by Charean (edited 04-06-2001).]

[Charean]

How to Write Good

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. The adverb always follows the verb.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. Remember to never split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly
superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
23. Don't never use a double negation.
24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
25. Do not put statements in the negative form.
26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of
repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
29. A writer must not shift your point of view.
30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a
preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!!!!
32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences,
as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular
nouns in their writing.
38. Always pick on the correct idiom.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; they're old hat;
seek viable alternatives.

[Charean]

What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the
problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for
ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a
room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours,
without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what
they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security

And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

[Charean]

NEWSFLASH!!!!!

SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"

New York -- People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced
today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's
"watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that
companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola,
spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products
are available."

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly
and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time.
Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary,
and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the
software.

"It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are
compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and "crashed" for hours on end.
They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are
unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."

Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is
infested with bugs.

"We know that alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing
industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become
successful without resorting to software testing.