blowing of steam...

[Stormymystic]

goodnight crimsom,i need to go soon too, have to clean up house after the natural disators of my kids hit it,lol

[Azred]

[img]graemlins/erm.gif[/img] Looking at suggestive pictures of scantily clad/naked women is not, in any way, normal in the context of a committed relationship. Period. I would never consider looking at pictures of other women when I have Belle right here with me.

The question to ask is "does he prefer the pornography over you?" If not, then he needs to seek help to find out why he even wants to engage in that kind of behavior. If yes, then it might be time to remove such a potentially hurtful influence from the vicinity of your children....

I don't care how innocent anyone tries to claim that pornography is, when a man in a committed relationship seeks out that kind of material, whether in a magazine, online, or at a club or bar, he is cheating. The very nature of the material and the combination of male physiology and psychology generate feelings of desire for that woman, not the woman with whom he is involved. Besides, how could any woman support pornography when so much of that genre is based on objectification and degradation of women?

Bottom line...he needs to clean up his act. I would suggest deleting any/all pornographic content from the computer, enrolling in relationship/marriage counseling, and letting you have some time off, either by yourself, with a friend, or just the two of you. [img]graemlins/twocents.gif[/img]

[wellard]

Originally posted by Stormymystic: 1. i am legaly deaf 2. after having my first child, i had an infection that pretty much ruined my abdomen, so now i can not stand on my feet for 8 hours asay, which is all i am qualified to do 3. and this is going to be funny...I am dyslexic, and have to work really hard just to understand how the words are supposed to go,lol 4. i am only human, there is now possible way i could hold down a job, the longest i did work at one place was also my worst nightmare....see hate springtime in arkansas thread to understand, i worked at Waffle house for 4 years

Stormy ya need a big hug [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/docheart.gif[/img] And you need some time off. This is a must. You are going to have to talk to hubby about this. And seeing as you are always skint it is not going to make any difference if your husband says "no" when he gets called into work. * A divorce is more costly*

Even if its a full afternoon once a week, go swimming, get a coffee and a choco cake, go to the library and make yourself comfy with a book. We ALL need time off, and this is reasonable.

1) I'm nearly deaf, work with engines, at an airport. It’s a pain in the arse

2) I'm dyslexic too, and I have a hard time keeping this quite at work, not good for my type of job. And stopped me going to university. I ended up leaving school at 15 hardly able to spell [img]graemlins/blush.gif[/img] getting onto a forum and posting letters every day is a big help. And your the first person I've told except my wife.

3) Your a full time mum. The most important job of all. Now this is often said in the most condescending tones, but not from me. Thankfully my wife agrees and though we need the money we would rather Carolyn be at home with the kids than having a job to pay someone else to look after them *what’s the point? *

[Stormymystic]

I agree with you wellard, that is one of the reasons i do not try and go back to work, plus alll the others, and thanks for the hug [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Mellagar]

The hour is very late, so I will be direct before I collapse at the keyboard. There's the argument, by some, that viewing images of naked women is a sickness, or a sign of weakness. By others its completely unecessary. However, its more a habit than a sickness, leaving a sort of mental wonderland for the mind. Women view pictures of men just the same. They are not w***er's, or perverts, or sicko's, or whatever colorful name given. They're merely people who view images for a personal satisfaction, and nothing more. Whether it's needed is completely at the decision of the one who wishes to view it. Remember, though you may have someone very dear to you, there are many others who have no one, and this is something to keep them satisfied. Ignorance is not viewing matters from all sides.

As for men being childish, and only 'fixing it when need be' is rather steriotypic and nonsense. Never attempt, or bother with the mindsets of everyone, because ultimately your arguement will falter. The only battle of the sexes is the one people continually play out in their mindsets, meanwhile everything else moves onward. My ideology is this: Though it may not be broken, its always wiser to prevent the problem lest it occur.
In other words, watch it closely and carefully before you do have a serious dilemma. Prevention is easier than fixing.

Now, as for the pictures on the computer, Stormy has said they do not bother her, but being someone who, as stated, is emotional, I would be suprised if they didn't. Stormy, words, and actions do not make a person what they are. Emotions can be tricked or played upon, as well as words. The only way your husband is going to act in the manner you hope him to, is when he decides upon it. I know that isn't the right thing to say, and many will refute, but who else will ultimately make the change? However, allowing the material to be viewed by a child is something altogether different. Though you may have been patient with the images even being there, I agree that they should have been dealt with much better on his behalf. Judging from what you have said thus far, slamming a piece of pine wood against the soft part of his cranium would doubtfully do you any good.

For any relationship to work there needs to be more than just an exchange of hugs, kisses, or even a night out for dinner. There must be respect, loyalty, and if nothing else, understanding. If there is none of this, then little can be done by any parental counselor aside from hand you a bill you probably cannot afford. The only battles fought it relationships are fought in the mind, and the only person who's going to change his attitude is himself. All you can do is act as a guide, or someone to point him in the right direction, but that's all. To ask more from yourself is unhealthy and pointless. Its up to him to listen.

As for your wanting to have time to yourself, and feeling that that's greedy...that's up to you. Do you feel, after tending to the children, guarding them against what is on the computer, dealing with the constant barrage of events with your family, and the emotional hurricane you've been swept into, that you've greedily asked for something you haven't a right to?

You've had more than your share of troubles, and not once should you think you have any faults. The only fault you have is thinking you have weaknesses. In your quick witty comments, in your ability to understand the thoughts of others, in your poems, to tell yourself you have negative sides would be fruitless. You won't get far if all you do is contest with your imperfections, but you don't strike me as someone who would.

I could use the old slogan of "Beauty is only skin deep." but its up to the person to know whether beauty is a gracious description, or a cheap catchphrase.

Well I place more of my thoughts later, if I don't forget them before too long. Of course Stormy, take from this what you will, but seeing as it is late, and what is typed is at all understandable (which I would be amazed if it was), I hope it does something.

In short, the only person anyone needs the most, rightly, and firstly, is themself. Only when the self is ready, can another be introduced.

[Stormymystic]

well guys, we kissed and made up this morning, just before he got another call out but at least we are speaking again,lol

[Cerek the Barbaric]

I'm glad to see things have worked out for you, Stormy. I did read the entire post and the advice that impressed me most was from Mellagar.

I can add little of substance to what has already been said, but I do have a few thoughts I wish to share with you.

First of all, it is not selfish in any shape, form, or fashion to want some time to yourself after watching the children full-time. My wife and I both work full-time, so we share the housework.

Also, EVERYBODY has faults - both physical and otherwise. One of the most important lesson I have ever learned was to be happy with my body and my looks. That doesn't mean that I can't try and make minor improvements (through good diet, exercise, working out, etc)...but some things about us just aren't going to change. The sooner a person accepts these physical faults as part of what makes them unique, the sooner they can feel "good" about themselves. I never liked the way I looked growing up. I was very skinny. I also felt that no girls would like me because I didn't have big muscles. In hindsight, I realize I completely ignored advances from some girls because I thought they couldn't possibly be interested in me. Learning to accept my physical attributes was a BIG step in learning to like myself. (Now, as I middle age and gravity affect my body, I dearly WISH I could be that skinny again. [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] ).

Back to the topic at hand, though. Whenever you and your husband face future arguments, keep three things in mind.
1) Do I truly love this man, even with all his faults?
2) Does he truly love me, even with all of my faults?
3) If we both truly love each other, is this situation worth arguing over? (it may well be - porno sites accessible to a 4 yr old certainly qualify).

I don't like to argue with my wife, so I always ask if a situation is worth arguing over. Unfortunately, this also leads to me "holding things inside" until I "blow up" over a minor incident. It is always best to discuss something that bothers you at the time it occurs. That is when you will be most likely to discuss it in a calm manner.


Oh yeah.....one other thing.....Playboy and Penthouse ARE pornography! I know this for a fact because I did extensive research on the subject in college. [img]graemlins/wow.gif[/img]

[Cloudbringer]

Originally posted by Stormymystic: [img]graemlins/rant.gif[/img] ........................ Why is it anytime i try to talk to men, they always seem to be ignoring me? are all men cheaters...do you always have to look at pics of nude women to feel like a man?...why do men always try to make a woman feel like she is stupid?!? honestly though why do men behave like children when women try and ave a conversation with them? I am so tired of fighting when i try to make my feelings understood. when I feel as if i am being ignored, it hurts me, my husband decided tat he was just being normal when he looked at pics of nekkid women, no matter how i felt about it, am i making to much of this?

I know it's been said, but it's most definitely true. Not all men are alike!

My fiance and I have agreed that cheating is the one reason either of us would leave the relationship. It's not likely to happen! He's as much against it as I am. We both had bad experiences with others earlier in our lives.

He doesn't have porn lying around and yup, we've discussed it! He may be unusual, I don't know, but he's said he went through that 'phase' and doesn't really care for it anymore, not to mention he ..ahem.. says he has no use for it now! He still looks at women, but he isn't going to go after them. As he puts it, "I'm not dead, so I look, but they aren't what I want, you are."

From the very beginning of our relationship he's said one of my attributes he fell for was intelligence, so I don't feel anything but respect and admiration from him in that way. I think Reeka mentioned that her bf thinks her mind is sexy and Nacht has told me many times that one of the things he's attracted to is my mind...so there's two guys who quite obviously value a woman for her ability to think! [img]smile.gif[/img]

I have some really great conversations with my fiance! Oh, we have tiffs and misunderstandings but one thing we always do is talk it out- even if we have to wait a little while for one or the other to cool off. So far, in the 2 yrs we've known one another we've never gone to bed angry or upset- we've always worked it out or at least gotten to a point where neither is angry anymore.

I guess that might sound like bragging- I didn't intend that...it's just how things really are for me. I feel very blessed! Anyway, I wanted to point out that not all men are as bad as you might think. I know a lot of wonderful men who are great husbands/boyfriends and dads. [img]smile.gif[/img]

Hopefully you can work things out with your husband and begin to feel better about your life and the men in it! I'd hate to think anyone would go through life feeling that all men were childish or vile!

I would definitely recommend that you and your husband get away to enjoy yourselves and talk about things that are important in your life together. The idea about getting a sitter and going out is a good one! If you can't work it out and start feeling better, perhaps you could find a counselor to talk it over with?

[ 05-11-2003, 11:01 PM: Message edited by: Cloudbringer ]