JJ (and Vicotnik) invite you in 4 laughs-PG13-G

What I've learned as I've matured----

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk
them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After
that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more
screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities or Democrats.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its
place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you
too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows,
maybe something good will happen. If not...tough shit.




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming
down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the
crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws
and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR,"
all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was
near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the
pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed
from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he
reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child
sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

-------------------------------------------------------------
FUNNY THOUGHTS:
"If I held you any closer I'd be in back of you." - Groucho Marx
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not!

Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't get
her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she
came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful
garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get
your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes
turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the
same thing to her tomato garden in hopes that it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her
garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

Ducks In Heaven

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they
get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't
step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they
try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter
chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is
to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another
extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same condemnation
as for the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He
manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter
comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on...
a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks,
"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of
a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes
the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little
worried.
"What's your name, birdie?"
"Moses."
"What dummy named you Moses?"
"The same dummy who called his rottweiler Jesus."

-------------------------------------------------------------
FUNNY THOUGHTS:
"The most important fact about Spaceship Earth: an instruction book
didn't come with it." - R. B. Fuller
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe
the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and
'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

Never buy a house without a fireplace.

Once in your life, own a convertible.

Buy vegetables from truck farmers who advertise with hand-lettered signs.

Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90%
of all your happiness or misery.

Tell you kids often how terrific they are and that you trust them.

Put a lot of little marshmallows in your hot chocolate.

Let people know what you stand for and what you won't stand for.

Strive for excellence, not perfection.

Don't scrimp in order to leave money to your children.

Give people a second chance, but not a third one.

Learn to recognize the inconsequential, then ignore it.

Be your husband's/wife's best friend.

Don't major in minor things.

Wave at children on school buses.

Be modest - a lot was accomplished before you were born.

Lie on your back and look at the stars.

Don't expect life to be fair.

Re-read your favorite book.

Don't let anyone talk you out of a good idea.

Acquire things the old-fashion way. Save for them and pay cash.

Work hard to create in your children a good self-image. It is the most
important thing you can do for them.

Get your priorities straight - no one ever said on their death bed, "Gee,
if only I'd spent more time at the office".

Don't under tip the waiter just because the food was bad. He/she didn't
cook it.

Enjoy real maple syrup.

Be a leader - remember that the lead sled dog is the only one with a
decent view.

Cherish your children for what they are - not for what you'd like them to
be.

Be someone's hero.

Call your mother.

If you like something that is very expensive, wait two weeks, then go
back. If you still like it, buy it.

Never deprive someone of hope. It may be all they have.




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten
dollars. A man answered the ad, but he was slightly
skeptical. "What's the gimmick?" he inquired.
"No gimmick," the woman answered. "My husband died, and in
his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to
his secretary."

-------------------------------------------------------------
FUNNY THOUGHTS:
"I sit here all day trying to persuade people to do the things they
ought to have sense enough to do without my persuading them...
That's all the powers of the President amount to." - Harry S. Truman
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

Since the old chambe
>THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:
>
> Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out
>section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The
>deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with SCUBA tanks
>on his back, flippers, and face mask.
> A postmortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from
>massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
>identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully
>clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed
>that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the
>coast some 20 miles away from the forest.
> The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as
>possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets.
>Water was dipped from the ocean then flown to the forest fire and
>emptied.
> You guessed it.
> One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the
>next he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the
>air.
> Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'-10" of the fire.
> Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed!
>This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998
>
>STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY...
>
> A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in
>the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it
>accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding on to the handle
>bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the
>motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
>The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her
>husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying
>next to him and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and
>summoned an ambulance.
> Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
>several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her
>husband.
> After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital,
>the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas
>was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the
>gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
> The husband was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving
>home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his
>motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the
>toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped
>it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife,
>who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband
>screaming.
> She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor.
>His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the
>buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.
> The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same
>paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The
>paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to
>the street.
> While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by
>the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had
>burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so
>hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband
>out.
> He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.
>This was taken from a Florida Newspaper.
>
>Now that's a bad day!
>

r is lost, thought I would see which old ones I still have.

------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

>
>POSITION: PARENT
>JOB DESCRIPTION:
>Long term team players needed for challenging permanent
>work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must
>possess excellent communication and organizational skills
>and be willing to work variable hours, which will include
>evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some
>overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping
>sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway
>cities.
>Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also
>required.
>
>RESPONSIBILITIES:
>For the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated at least
>temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be
>willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical
>stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph
>in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the
>backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
>Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
>such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and
>stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
>coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to
>plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental
>outlooks.
>Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment
>the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half
>million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope
>for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final,
>complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
>Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial
>work throughout the facility.
>
>POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
>Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for
>years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your
>skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
>
>PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
>None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
>continually exhausting basis.
>
>WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
>You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
>payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will
>help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them
>whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
>you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
>
>BENEFITS:
>While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
>reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered,
>job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for
>life
>if you play your cards right.
>

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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

>>Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner.
>>
>>How can you tell which one is the prostitute???
>>
>>
>>Hold on.....
>>
>>
>>
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>>
>>It's a good one.....
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>You'll love it....
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>It's the one with the little sticker that says I-DA-HO.
>


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)