Joke World 09-01-09

[Arvon]

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

[Arvon]

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.



On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.



They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?



George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''



''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''



George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

[Arvon]

Oldie...


A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."

[Arvon]

A bit lame and a bit PG...



Joe is telling his pal Rick his troubles:
"You know that new girl at work, the one I've been wanting to ask out?" he asks.

"Yeah, what about her?" Rick replies.

"Well, every time I see her, I get an instant erection, and have to turn away to hide it."

"That's rough. Why don't you try taping your dick to your leg ... then it won't show?" Rick suggests.

Joe agrees this is a great idea; Rick even loans him a roll of duct tape.

A few days later, they meet again:

"Well, I called her and asked her out, and she said yes," Joe reports.

"That's great!"

"So I get to her house, walk up to her door, and she answers it wearing a short, sheer dress."

"Great! How'd it go?"

Joe slumps down in his chair. "I kicked her in the face."

[Xanthul]

One about blondies...

Three female prisoners, two brunettes and a blonde, were about to be executed in some country. A few days before the execution, a priest visits them and is so devastated about them that he seeks to help them. "The people in this country are terribly superstitious about natural disasters. You'll know what to do"

The day for the first brunette comes and the general sets the guards ready. As they are aiming towards her, she shouts "HURRICANE!!!!" and everyone, guards included, starts fleeing so she calmly scapes the place.

The next day same thing happens: the general sets the guards ready to execute the second brunette and she yells "TORNADO!!!!". Again, everyone flees terrified and she scapes the place.

The next day, the blonde girl is confident that she will be able to do the same thing. The general sets the guards ready, and the blonde girl shouts:

FIRE!!!!

[Arvon]

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens."It opens at noon" answers the clerk.About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker."What time does the bar open?" he asks."Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.""No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

[Xanthul]

An older couple went to a nice restaurant to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. They sit down and the waiter is amazed at how he addresses her... "Darling", "my love", "sweetie", "honey", etc. At one time she goes to the bathroom and the young waiter asks him:

- I'm absolutely amazed by your loving words! I never thought it would be possible to keep the passion for that long! How do you manage to keep calling her such beautiful things?
- What else can I do... I don't even remember her name.

[Arvon]

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

[Arvon]

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[Arvon]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"