funnee awards and winners - add similar ones you have

Here they are, the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest, the
one
that asks entrants to write the first line of a bad novel. (in honor of
Victorian author Edward George Bulwer-Lytton who wrote the novel that
began
"It was a dark and stormy night.")

10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind
in
the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it.

9. Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.

8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue
eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for
competition,
and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.

7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept
along
the east wall: Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.

6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism,
was
about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to
become
the woman he loved.

5. Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
eking out a living at a local pet store.

4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
often
do.

3. Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

2. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning
of
the word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in
the
eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

AND THE WINNER:
1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along
the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping
in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly,

"You lied!"




------------------
When given a choice, take both.

DARWIN AWARDS 2000 (just released, all New!)
Hard to believe, but another year has passed...For
those who don't know
it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the
person(s) who died
(or almost died) in the stupidest way, thus
enhancing the gene pool by their
absence. The 2000 nominees are:

> > >
NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An
unidentified man, using a
shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's
windshield,
accidentally shot himself to death when the gun
discharged, blowing a
hole in his gut.
> > >
NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was
killed in March as
he was trying to repair what police describe as a
"farm type truck."
Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway
while Burns hung underneath
so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling
noise. Burns' clothes
caught on something, however, and the other man
found Burns "wrapped in
the drive shaft."
> > >
NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily
Record]
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to
death in December
in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing
telephone beside his
bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a
Smith Wesson .38
Special, which discharged when he drew it to his
ear.
> > > >
> > >
NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of
windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his
shoulder and plunged
24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said
Garry Hoy, 39, fell
into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank
Tower early Friday
evening as he was explaining the strength of the
building's windows to
visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted
demonstration of
window strength according to police reports. Peter
Lawyers, managing
partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the
Toronto Sun newspaper
that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members
of the 200-man
association.

> > >
NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomsburg News
Service]
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are
being blamed for the
death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There
was no mark on his
body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane
gas in his system.
His diet had consisted primarily of beans and
cabbage (and a couple of
other things). It was just the right combination of
foods. It appears that
the man died in his sleep from breathing the
poisonous cloud that was
hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had
his windows been
opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man
was shut up in his near
airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was
a big man with a huge
capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of
the rescuers got
sick and one was hospitalized.
> > >
NOMINEE No. 6: [The
News of the Weird.]
Michael Anderson Godwin made news of the Weird
posthumously. He had
spent several years awaiting South Carolina's
electric chair on a
murder conviction before having his sentence reduced
to life in prison.
Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and
attempting to fix his
small TV set, he bit into a wire and was
electrocuted.

> > >
NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"].
A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal
explosion in Dunkirk,
Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter
to check the barrel
of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the
weapon discharged
in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory
David Pryor, 19, died
in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 pm.
Investigators said
Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that
had not been firing
properly. He was using the lighter to look into the
barrel when the
gunpowder ignited.

> > > NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters,
Mississauga, Ontario]
A man cleaning a bird Feeder on the balcony of his
condominium
apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell
23 stories to his
death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled
chair when the
accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of
the Peel regional
police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over
the balcony,"
Honer said.
> > >
NOMINEE No.9: [Arkansas Democrat
Gazette]
Two local men were seriously injured when their
pick-up truck left the
road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State
Highway 38 early
Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey
Snyder reported the
accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston
Poole, 33, of Des Arc
and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed
in serious condition at
Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as
the two men were
returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On
an overcast Sunday night,
Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The
two men concluded that the
headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned
out. As a replacement
fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22
caliber bullet from
his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to
the steering wheel
column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights
again began to operate
properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound
toward the White River
bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and
just before crossing the
river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged
and struck Poole in
the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to
the right exiting the
pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only
minor cuts and abrasions
from the accident, but will require surgery to
repair the other wound.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated
and releasd.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston
shot his balls off
or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been
a trooper for ten years, and this is a
first for me. I can't believe
that those two would admit how this accident
happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's
wife, asked how many
frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them
from the truck.
(Way to go, Lavinia!)

I love this stuff
Who says mother nature doen't select for survival?

------------------
When given a choice, take both.

[Gray Mage]

ROTFLMAO.... where did you find this stuff? I'm still laughing about that guy who died in his bedroom. Where do they find these people?!?!

------------------

Feel My Power

Arcane Adept of the OHF, "So let it be written, So let it be done"

[The.Relic]

JJ/Newbie, this stuff is astounding. Is it real or is it make up?

[Father Bronze]

The Darwin awards come out every year. There are so many variations now that it is difficult to find the original Darwin Awards. Check out the following link. It may be the real thing.

http://www.darwinawards.com/

I have a few friends/family who keep me in really good stuff, and I need to get more of it on here - don't forget to check vicotnik's chamber of laughter as well, there are lotsa good ones there

------------------
When given a choice, take both.