vicotnik's original (mostly) chamber of laughter-join in,pls

[J.J.]

OATH TO MY FRIEND


When you are scared,........... I will laugh at you and tease
you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried,...........I will tell you how much worse it could
be and to quit complaining.

When you are sad,................I will get you drunk and help you plot
revenge against the scum sucker who made you sad.

When you are confused,........I will use little words
to explain it to your dumb ass.

And when you are lost,..........I will answer my cell
phone and give you directions.

When you are sick.................I will hold your hair while you pay
homage to the porcelain god.

When you fall........................I will point and laugh
at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath......................I pledge till the end. Why you may
ask?.............. Because you're my friend. And the whole reason people
have friends is to have fun!






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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! PART II

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into
a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his
forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to
help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen.
Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-
inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill
and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship
badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist
flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be
space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on
Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted
deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy
the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and
marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available.
"Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made
off with over six million dollars.

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA
blamed his college degree for his murder of three people.
"There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I
had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"It's not true that I said "actors are cattle." I said "they should be
treated like cattle." - Alfred Hitchcock
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

A State Slogan:

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50+ YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

* Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

* If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."

* There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

* People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

* You should not confuse your career with your life.

* No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

* When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often,
that
individual is crazy.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well, Just get up and dance.

* Never lick a steak knife.

* Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

* The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

* You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

* You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging
from her at that moment.

* There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

* "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. Ain't
that the truth!!!

* The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.

* A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

* Your friends love you anyway.




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could,
trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear
Lord,
please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As
she
was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her
clothes
dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and
started
running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord,
please
don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and
on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give
him
the money now, will he let us go?"

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The
first
boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it
a
poem, they give him $50! ! ." The second boysays, "That's nothing. My
Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give
him
$100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a
few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it sermon. And it takes eight people
to
collect all the money!"


Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the
men
she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his
mother
cooked.

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no
ma!
! le pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service,
she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want
them
to take me out when I'm dead.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had
to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."


A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them
to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie
replied, "Because people are sleeping."


A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with
them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a
baby-sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father
and
thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat
our brothers and sisters? " Without missing a beat one little boy
answered,
"Thou shall not kill."


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
how
Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother
noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is
the
matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. Ithink I'm
going
to have a wife."




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large,
raging
and violent river. They needed to get across to the other side but had
no
idea of how to do so. The first man called out to God, praying," Please
God,
give me the strength ........to cross the river." "POOFF!!!!! God gave
him
big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across. It did however
take
him about two hours and he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying "Please God, give me
the
strength........ and the tools........ to cross the river."
"POOFF!!!!!" God answered his prayer by giving him a rowboat. He was
able to
cross the river in about an hour, but it was rough going and he almost
capsized the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how things worked for the other two, so when he
prayed to God he said "Please God, give me the strength........ and the
tools........ and the intelligence........ to cross this river." And
POOFF!!!!! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked
upstream for a hundred yards and then walked across the bridge.



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~
No pun intended
1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed
in a
fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm
shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now settle down. You'll just
have
to be a little patient."

3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One
day
his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.
On
the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake
them,
he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged
with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

5. Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
to
produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket
watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west.
It
turned out that, although their watches were of finest quality, their
compasses were so bad people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather
than
California. This is of course, is the orgin of the expression, "He who
has
a Tates is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
lavatory
equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely
nothing
to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip
of
elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off chew and
swallow one inch of the leather ever day. After a month, the medicine
man
returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name
missing in the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local
civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif
off
my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept
on
an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became
pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of
the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the the squaws of the other two
hides.

NOTE: By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered
them
and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't
lose.
As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his
puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to
death. (Creepy.)

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig
... How'd they figure this out, and why?)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try
this
at home...maybe at work? ...Still can't get over that pig thing)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And pigs get 30-minute
orgasms?
Doesn't seem fair)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight,
and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of what? Did taxpayers pay for this
research??)

Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew? Who cares? How'd they find out?
Ask
them?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the
bottom
of the pond?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.

(30 minutes...can you imagine?? ... And why pigs?)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....?)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be
a
pig... quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez. That's almost as bad as
catfish)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like
that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.)

After reading all these, all I can say is...lucky pigs.



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts
her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip
a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least
five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost
nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you
follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I
was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
> >> >
**************************************
> >> >
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes
to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite
bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the
other side?" The second blonde looks up the river
then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
> >> >
**************************************
> >> >
NOT ONE, BUT TWO BLONDES: Two blondes were
walking through the woods and came upon a set
of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer
tracks.
The other blonde said that they were moose tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.

**************************************

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The
doctor asked her what had happened to her ears
and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the
phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I
accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in
disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!"

*************************************

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got
caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was
covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she
was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He
told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe
really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So,
the blonde went home, got down on her hands
and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe.
Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still
nothing happened. Her roommate, another
blonde, came home and said,
"What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how
the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said,
"Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first!"


------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! PART III

Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me
all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not
what I said!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a
dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-
of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the
front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was
seen hopping and jumping around," said a police spokesman,
"with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police
have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, CA, A man was arrested for trying to hold up a
bank without a weapon. He used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand
in his pocket. Wonder what he uses for a knife?

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"I like long walks--especially when they're taken by people who annoy
me." - Anon
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

A State Slogan:

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

>Technically challenged!
>
>Take heart, anyone among you who believes
>you are technologically challenged, you "ain't
>seen nuthin' yet." This is an excerpt from a
>Wall Street Journal article:
>
> 1. Compaq is considering changing the command
>"Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of
>the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
>
> 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining
>that her mouse was hard to control with the dust
>cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic
>bag the mouse was packaged in.
>
> 3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy
>of her defective diskettes. A few days later a
>letter arrived from the customer along with
>photocopies of the floppies.
>
> 4. A Dell technician advised his customer to
>put his troubled floppy back in the drive and
>close the door. The customer asked the tech to
>hold on and was heard putting the phone down,
>getting up and crossing the room to close the
>door to his room.
>
> 5. Another Dell customer called to say he
>couldn't get his computer to fax anything.
>After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the
>technician discovered the man was trying to
>fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of
>the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
>
> 6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain
>that his keyboard no longer worked. He had
>cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
>water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then
>removing all the keys and washing them individually.
>
> 7. A Dell technician received a call from a
>customer who was enraged because his computer had
>told him he was "bad and invalid." The tech explained
>that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
>responses shouldn't be taken personally.
>
> 8. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble
>printing documents. He told the technician that the
>computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The
>user had also tried turning the computer screen to
>face the printer but the computer still couldn't
>"see" the printer".
>
>

> 9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech
>Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn
>on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the
>technician asked her what happened when she pushed
>the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed
>on the foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot
>pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse!
>
>

>10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to
>say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said
>she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there
>for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When
>asked what happened when she pressed the power
>switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
>
>

>11. Another IBM customer had troubles installing
>software and rang for support. "I put in the first
>disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second
>disk, and I had some problems with that. But when
>it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even
>fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert
>Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
>
>

>12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed
>the instructions for installing software. The
>instructions said to remove the disk from its cover
>and insert into the drive. The user had physically
>removed the casing of the floppy disk and wondered
>why there were problems.
>
>13. True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop:
>Caller: "Hello, is this the Tech Support?"
>Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
>Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am
>within my warranty period. How do I go about getting
>that fixed?"
>Tech: " I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To