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Old 03-11-2001, 02:44 AM   #1
IamOpus
Elite Waterdeep Guard
 

Join Date: March 9, 2001
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 37
I didn't write this, but it's amusing and I wonder if anyone has smoething similar for their own countries. Memnoch could say whether it's true or not, depending on whether the coffee shops at double bay are closed or not ...

This gem is supposedly by Douglas Adams (of hitchhikers Guide (as if you
didn't know)).

The Confusing Country

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many
unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite
taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep
into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident
of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great
Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more
frightening theory, but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as
either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that
of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them.
Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous
arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few
snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the
spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check
inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting
down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are
more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the
common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life
digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes
out to eat worms and grubs.

The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible.
Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass
Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads.

Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels
on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by
snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat
becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined,
but not adequately described.

The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour.
If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will
feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it
will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow
with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will
be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear
down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their
crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is
considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians
don't talk about it much.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative
of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays
eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and
has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical'
Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a
short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in
boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them
died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature,
man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in,
and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and
stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn
(failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from
the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot
of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is
interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves
vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie,
cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) -
whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the
middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended
Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused
by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a
person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core
of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking
inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up
the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift
for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches.

Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world.
Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with
sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of
the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its
back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However,
watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would
expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless
they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible
problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering
feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is
Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim
that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the
land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and
"Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing
about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under
any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are
comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian
shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians
don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only
correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert
your own regional swear word here} country in the world!".

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will
'adopt' you, and on your first night, take you to a pub where Australian
Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of
initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing
hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your
hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal
difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the
pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be
sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you
encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong
the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use
of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings

"G'Day!"

"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."

"She'll be right."

"And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and
rugged battlements on high, where the air is crystal clear, and the white
stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where,
around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the
rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word
today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."

Tips to Surviving Australia

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean
it.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it
is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist
and good in a fistfight.

Thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby.

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at
all times, or you will die.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always
a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful
thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals,
trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"
*
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Old 03-11-2001, 02:48 AM   #2
Yorick
Very Mad Bird
 

Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Breukelen (over the river from New Amsterdam)
Age: 52
Posts: 9,246
I posted this back on the old board Opus, but it IS hilarious and deserves a rerun.

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Old 03-11-2001, 03:06 AM   #3
IamOpus
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Join Date: March 9, 2001
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 37
Hmm. I couldn't remember where it came from, but since the new boards don't refer to the old ...
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Old 03-11-2001, 03:17 AM   #4
Yorick
Very Mad Bird
 

Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Breukelen (over the river from New Amsterdam)
Age: 52
Posts: 9,246
No worries. It was sent to me via email from a friend in Melbourne. How are things in Brisbane?

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Old 03-11-2001, 03:32 AM   #5
IamOpus
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Join Date: March 9, 2001
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 37
Was very wet (see the news) but no so wet as Nth NSW is/was. Gotta be happy with taking holidays, even if I'm not going walkabout ..
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Old 03-11-2001, 03:48 AM   #6
Black Knight
Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Delaware OH USA
Age: 47
Posts: 3,168
All I know is the answer is 42



BK
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Old 03-11-2001, 03:55 AM   #7
IamOpus
Elite Waterdeep Guard
 

Join Date: March 9, 2001
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 37
I remember Ford holding the bag of scrabble pieces ...

"what do you get when you times nime by six?"
"I always said there was something fundamentally wrong with the universe..."
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Old 03-11-2001, 08:31 AM   #8
Memnoch
Ironworks Moderator
 

Join Date: February 28, 2001
Location: Boston/Sydney
Posts: 11,771
Hmm, but the Sheaf in Double Bay is ALWAYS open


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Old 03-11-2001, 09:21 AM   #9
Moiraine
Anubis
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Up in the Freedomland Alps
Age: 59
Posts: 2,474
IamOpus, this text was definitely worth a re-posting.

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Old 03-11-2001, 01:17 PM   #10
Cloudbringer
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Upstate NY USA
Posts: 19,737
I've seen this before and it's still funny!

hahaha, What IS the meaning of life? Ok ok, 42.... Sure, but I'll just add "So long and thanks for all the fish!"


Hitchhiker with a babelfish and towel




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Purple Rose of the Black Knight
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