SNL Scripts

[skywalker]

Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood

Mr. Robinson.....Eddie Murphy
.....Mr. T

Mr. Robinson: [ singing ]
"It's a beautiful day in the neigborhood
A beatuful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

I always wanted to live in a house like yours, my friend
Maybe when there's nobody at home, I'll break in!

So, I married a woman who said she was rich,
Spent all of her money, walked out on the bitch!
Won't you be my..
Won't you be my..
Won't you be my neighbor??"

Hello, boys and girls! [ changes his shoes ] You're probably wondering why Mr. Robinson is putting on his glitter shoes. Now, these are rock and roll shoes, boys and girls. And, do you know why? Let's look at our word for the day. [ points to board reading "SCUMI" ] You can't read it, boys and girls, because it's the Soul Train Scramble Board! [ rearranges the letters to spell "MUSIC" ] There's our word for the day! [ walks over to a set of drums ] See what these are, boys and girls? They're drums. That's a beautiful instrument, you know. You know where drums come from? Africa! You know where these drums come from? Smokey Robinson was at the Apollo Theater, and left his van open in the back of the place. I ripped him off! I wonder how Smokey is gonna sound with no percussion? You know what drums sound like, boys and girls? Listen. [ starts beating the drums, making quite a racket until the phone rings, eliciting a face ] That's the telephone, boys and girls! Let's see who it can be. [ answers phone ] WHO IS IT!! What?! Oh, that ain't loud - this is loud! [ blows his whistle into the phone, then hangs up and smiles ] Now, where were we, boys and girls? [ returns to banging his drums ]

[ a knock is heard at the door ]

Voice at Door: Mr. Robinson! Robinson! I know you're in there! Stop beating them drums! You hear me?

Mr. Robinson: That's my new neighbor. But don't be scared, boys and girls, I just installed a new lock! He'll never get in here!

[ continues to bang his drums, as the door is busted through, and Mr. T enters, grabbing Robinson by the throat ]

Mr. T: Hello, boys and girls. The new word for today.. is "pain". [ to Robinson ] Sing the song!

Mr. Robinson: [ singing ] "A very happy.. tomorrow.. to you.."

Mr. T: Goodnight, boys and girls.

[ continues to strangle Mr. Robinson as title fades in ]

Mark

[skywalker]

And the infamous:

Super Bass-o-matic '76

Spokesman.....Dan Aykroyd
Bass-Drinker.....Laraine Newman

Spokesman: How many times has this happened to you? You have a bass, and you're trying to find an exciting new way to prepare it for the dinner table. You could scale the bass, remove the bass' tail, head and bones, and serve the fish as you would any other fish dinner. But why bother, now that you can use Rovco's amazing new kitchen tool, the Super Bass-o-Matic '76. Yes, fish-eaters, the days of troublesome scaling, cutting and gutting are over, because Super Bass-o-Matic '76 is the tool that lets you use the bass with no fish waste, and without scaling, cutting or gutting.

Here's how it works: Catch a bass, remove the hook, and drop the bass - that's the whole bass - into the Super Bass-o-Matic '76. [ drops the bass into the blender ] Now, adjust the control dial so that the bass is blended just the way you like it. [ turns blender on and grinds it to a pulp ] Yes, it's that simple!

Bass-Drinker: [ drinks a glassful of bass ] Wow, that's terrific bass!

Spokesman: We've got fish here, fast and easy and ready to pour, mmm-mmm! Super Bass-o-Matic '76 comes with ten interchangeable rotors, a nine-month guarantee, and a booklet: 1,001 Ways to Harness Bass. Super Bass-o-Matic '76 works great on sunfish, perch, sole, and other small aquatic creatures. [ blends one of each ]

Super Bass-o-Matic '76 - it's clean, simple, and after five or ten fish, it gets to be quite a rush! Super Bass-o-Matic '76 - you'll never have to scale, cut or gut again!

Mark

[skywalker]

Just one more:

Ebony & Ivory

Producer.....Tim Kazurinsky
Frank Sinatra.....Joe Piscopo
Secretary.....Tony Rosato
Stevie Wonder.....Eddie Murphy

[ open on a Recording Studio ]

Producer: Everything's ready. We're all set to record, as soon as he gets here, Mr. Sinatra.

Frank Sinatra: [ turns around ] Good.. good.. good. Son, come here. Come here. [ grabs his shoulder ] How does the album sound so far?

Producer: Oh, it's excellent, Mr. Sinatra.

Frank Sinatra: Thank you, thank you, that's very nice. I want to do some tunes that the young people will enjoy. That's why I'm calling this album "Frank Sings Tunes the Young People Will Enjoy".

Secretary: [ opens door and peeks in ] Uh.. excuse me, Mr. Sinatra, Sir? He's here.

Frank Sinatra: Show him in.

[ Secretary pulls Stevie Wonder into the recording studio ]

Frank Sinatra: Stevie Wonder! Stevie Wonder! You are aptly named! Like I've said many times, you are truly a wonder!

Stevie Wonder: Thank you, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Let me ask you something: Do you do your own hair?

Stevie Wonder: Uh.. no, I don't.

Frank Sinatra: Then you've got no excuse! Little joke, Stevie, it looks great. Come on over here to the piano. It's right in front of you, my friend. [ Stevie sits ] You alright there?

Stevie Wonder: You know, Frank, I feel it is a.. tremendous honor to be.. recording with you.

Frank Sinatra: Thank you, Stevie. I feel the same. I am very much into that tune you do with the Beatle kid - uh, what's his name? The one that looks like a broad?

Stevie Wonder: His name is Paul McCartney, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. that's the dude. Uh.. would you be so kind as to run down that song for me, Stevie? Please?

Stevie Wonder: Alright. [ plays piano ] "Ebony and Ivory
live together in perfect harmony
Side by side on my.."

Frank Sinatra: [ interrupting ] Stevie, Stevie.. hold it, Stevie. Now, something tells me that this is more than a song about playing the piano.

Stevie Wonder: Uh.. uh.. Frank, it's about racial equality and unity of all people.

Frank Sinatra: Well, uh.. I don't understand. When I think of Ebony, I think of a magazine that most people do not buy. And when I think of Ivory, I think of a soap that floats.

Stevie Wonder: Ebony and Ivory are the black and white keys on the piano, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Alright, Stevie, I know that. You know that. But it's too artsy for the public - capiche? Now, I talekd to the master, Sammy Kahn. Now, Sammy is a marvelous, marvelous songwriter - no offense, Stevie. And, uh.. Sammy thinks we should go with something like Chocolate and Vanilla. Or, how about this: "Life is an Eskimo Pie, why don't we take a bite?"

Stevie Wonder: I'm afraid that might be a bit offensive to some people.

Frank Sinatra: Hey, who cares what the Eskimos think - they don't buy records, huh? [ thinking ] Okay, Stevie.. let's see.. Ebony and Ivory, huh? Ebony and Ivory.. [ stops ] Hey, Stevie, waht the hell are we beating around the bush for? This is 1982. Let's get right to the point! Huh? Hey, take it from the top. Swing it, Stevie! With a bounce, baby! [ sits next to Stevie ]

[ Stevie starts the song again ]

Frank Sinatra: "You are black, and I am white
Life's an Eskimo Pie, let's.. take a bite!
That was groovy thinkin'
Lincoln, when you set them freeeeeee...

We all know
Cats are the same
Maine to Mexico.
Good. Bad.
Guys and chicks!"

Stevie Wonder: "I am dark, and you are light."

Frank Sinatra: "You are blind as a bat, and I have sight!
Side by side, you are my amigo,
Negro, let's not fiiiiiiiight!"

Stevie Wonder: "Ebony, ivory
Living in perfect harmony."

Frank Sinatra: "Salt and pepper,
Sammy and Dean
Stevie and me are peachy keen!"

Stevie Wonder: "You are white."

Frank Sinatra: "You are black - and who cares!"

Who cares, baby!

[ zoom out to fade ]

Mark

LOL Now all you need is the "Little Chocolate Donuts" commercial and Eddie Murphy doing James Brown ("Too hot for the hot tub! Hey!") Or how about "Pre-Chewed Charlie's?" LOL

Funny! Thanks Mark!

[skywalker]

As you wish!

Little Chocolate Donuts

.....John Belushi

[ open to John Belushi preparing to do the Olympic high jump ]
Announcer: John Belushi is on his way to a gold medal in the Decathlon! They're setting the bar at seven feet - here's his approach..

[ John Belushi runs toward the bar. Quick cut to John jumping over the top of the bar. Quick cut to John landing on the grass. ]

Announcer: He got it! Belushi's won the gold, now he's going for the world's record!

[ cut to John Belushi running long-distance sprint and winning, as his fans crowd around him ]

[ cut to John at home ]

John Belushi: [ seated at breakfast table smoking a cigarette ] I logged a lot of miles training for that day. And I downed a lot of doughnuts. Little Chocolate Donuts. They taste good, and they've got the sugar I need to get me going in the morning. That's why Little Chocolate Donuts have been on my training table since I was a kid.

[ cut to John Belushi going for the gold in the javelin toss ]

Announcer: Little Chocolate Donuts. The donuts of champions.

And this for my Princess:

James Brown's Celebrity Hot Tub Party

James Brown.....Eddie Murphy

Announcer: It's James Brown's Celebrity Hot Tub Party! And now, here he is - the Godfather of Soul, and hot tub man number one - James Brown!

[ James Brown dances onto the set surrounding his hot tub ]

James Brown: [ singing ]

"Sometimes it make me break out in a cold sweat!
One two three four!

Hot tub! Ha! Da!
Ah, full of water!
I say hot tub! Ha!
Day! Ba! Very, very hot. Very hot! Da!
Hot tub! Gonna get ya hot-a!
Gonna make ya sweat! Hey! Say!
Hot tub! Rub a dub in the hot tub!
Rub a dub with me!

Should I get in the hot tub?
(Yeah!) Will it make me sweat?
(Yeah!) Should I get in the hot tub?
(Yeah!) Will it make me wet?
(Yeah!) Well, well, well..

Hot tub! Ah!
Get in!
Gonna get in the water!
Gonna make me sweat! Ah!
Here I go in the hot tub!

Hhhhhiiiigggghhhh!!!

Too hot in the hot tub! Ma!
Burn myself!
Make it cooler!
Good God!
Gonna make me..

I'm gonna get in the hot tub..
I'm gonna get in the hot tub..
I'm gonna get in the hot tub..
Ha! Lilin! Lidilin! Eh!
A gonna make me sweat-ah!
Dah! Gonna make me sweat!
Gonna make me sweat-ah!
Dah! Gonna get me in the hot tub!
I can't stand it!
Here I go! I can't stand it!

Here I go in the hot tub!
Gonna get in the hot tub!
Gonna get it wet-ah!
Good God!
Hhhiiigggghhhhh!!! Ha!
Good God!
Rub a dub!
In the hot tub!
Rub a dub with me!
Good God!
Rub a dub in the hot tub!
Gonna set me free!"

Don't go away, we'll be right back with more "Celebrity Hot Tub!"

Announcer: Coming up next: Dr. Joyce Brothers joins James Brown on "Celebrity Hot Tub!"

Sorry Moni, I can't come up with "Pre-Chewed Charlie's" so far.

Hugs!

Mark

Oh don't be sorry! What you've posted was far more than anyone could ask for.
I'm LMAO Mark!
You're the greatest! [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]

[skywalker]

Time for the Family Feud:

The Coneheads on "Family Feud"

Richard Dawson.....Bill Murray
Joe Mel.....Steve Martin
Mrs. Mel.....Gilda Radner
Joe Mel, Jr.....John Belushi
Beldar Conehead.....Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead.....Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead.....Laraine Newman

Announcer: It's time for America's most popular family game show - "Family Feud"! Now, here's your host, former "Hogan's Heroes" regular, Richard Dawson!

Richard Dawson: [ enters the game show set ] Hello, everyone. I hope you're as excited as I'm pretending to be, because we're ready to play "Family Feud". Okay, is everyone ready? Let's meet our first family - the Joe Mels, from El Camino del Ray Mar Vista, California, here they are! [ the Mels run onto the set and stand behind their podium ] Settle down, kids. Hello, Joe, why don't you tell us what you do for a living?

Joe Mel: Hello, Richard, I'm the spokesman for the Romaine Lettuce Growers of California. You know, too many people use iceberg lettuce in their salad, and you'd be surprised just how exciting a salad can be with a little Romaine lettuce!

Richard Dawson: [ playing with his fingernails ] Well, so far, Joe, you're about as exciting as one of your salads.. so let us move on.. [ approaches Mrs. Mel and kisses her ] What do you do?

Mrs. Mel: Well, I teach an assertiveness training class for women in El Camino del Ray Mar Vista. And I cook.

Richard Dawson: Oh? Well, what do you cook?

Mrs. Mel: Well, I cook salads and a lot of Romaine BLTs! We'd love to have you come for dinner!

Richard Dawson: Alright. Well, if I can't make it, I'll send my rabbit.

[ the Mels laugh ]

Joe Mel: You know, we have a rabbit?

Mrs. Mel: We do!

Richard Dawson: Alright.. now here's the cute little son, Joe Mel. Jr. [ pinches Joe, Jr.'s cheek ] He's a sharp little guy, and we're expecting a lot out of you today, little fella!

Joe Mel, Jr.: Aw, can we cut the condescending crap, and play the game?

Richard Dawson: Whatever you say, Joe. [ slaps him in the face ] Okay.. let's meet the opponents - the Beldar Conehead family! [ the Coneheads walk onto the set and stand behind their podium ] Hello, Beldar.

Beldar Conehead: Greetings.

Richard Dawson: Thank you. You're a big fella. What do you do for a living?

Beldar Conehead: I am a driving instructor.

Richard Dawson: And, uh, where do you folks come from?

Beldar Conehead: [ looks at his family ] France! We come from France!

Richard Dawson: Okay. [ approaches Prymaat and kisses her ] Hello there, Mrs. Conehead. What's your name, and what do you do besides keeping Beldar happy?

Prymaat Conehead: I am Prymaat. I maintain our home base and enjoy preparing mass quantities of consumables for my family unit.

Richard Dawson: Well, good luck to you, Prymaat. [ notices Connie ] And this is your lovely daughter. I see where you get your good looks You're French, so I'll give you a French kiss, how's that?

Connie Conehead: [ reaches in for Richard's French kiss ] Oh baby, oh baby..!

Richard Dawson: Well, uh.. they start early in France, what the heck! What's your name, dear? What do you do?

Connie Conehead: My name is Connie. I am 16 earth years old.

Richard Dawson: Alright, there's our families, now let's start the Feud! Joe and Beldar, come on, let's go! [ Joe walks up to the main podium, but Beldar walks in too far ] Okay, Doctor.. we're gonna need a little more room, big fella.. [ guides him to his side of the podium ] There you go, stand behind this line.. Now, here's the Toss-Up question, which we asked 100 people in our studio audience. Try to give the answer they gave the most. Alright? Name something people like to bite.

Beldar Conehead: [ beating Joe to the buzzer ] Protoid Capsules!

Richard Dawson: Protoid Capsules? Alright, that's an interesting answer. I never would have said that. You said that, Big Guy. So, show me "Protoid Capsules"! [ the Coneheads receive a Strike, and sound their dismay ] Tough luck there, fella. [ looks at Beldar's cone head ] That's a very interesting head you have there. What do I do, break it open and let all the presents fall out? Ha ha! [ Beldar looks confused ] Alright, Mel Family! You might be able to steal this one if you tell me something people like to bite.

Joe Mel: [ thinking ] Uh.. Romaine Lettuce!

Richard Dawson: Okay. Show me "Romaine Lettuce"! [ "ROMAINE LETTUCE: 1" appears on the game board ] Alright! One person said "Romaine Lettuce". You're on the board, Mel Family! Are you gonna pass or play?

[ the family considers ]

Joe Mel: Uh.. I can only think of Romaine Lettuce. We're gonna pass.

Richard Dawson: Alright. [ returns to the Coneheads ] Prymaat, what else do you think our survey showed that people like to bite?

Prymaat Conehead: Organically-enacted meat or vegetable matter between two starch plains.

Richard Dawson: [ nonplussed ] It's a long walk back to France if you don't get this one right, Prymaat. Alright.. show me "organically-enacted meat or vegetable matter between two starch plains!" [ "SANDWICH: 12" appears on the game board ] Sandwich! Alright! That's acceptable! Twelve people said Sandwich. Alright, Connie, something that people like to bite.

Connie Conehead: Mmm.. The Big One!

Richard Dawson: Bite the Big One? Alright, does our audience bite the big one? Well, we all want to know that one. Show me "The Big One!" [ "The Big One: 46" appears on the game board ] Alright, you're really rolling now, Coneheads! Now, it's up to you, Beldar. What else do people like to bite?

Beldar Conehead: A trapeze!

Richard Dawson: [ bewildered ] Just out of curiosity, Beldar.. are you people circus folks?

Beldar Conehead: [ turns to his family and repeats Richard Dawson's question in their native language ]

[ the Coneheads laugh at Richard Dawson's question ]

Richard Dawson: Well, I had to ask. Alright.. show me "Trapeze!" [ the Coneheads receive a Strike and sound their dismay ] Alright. Mel Family! [ walks across game show set ] You've got a chance to steal the points and win the game. What's it going to be?

[ the family starts arguing over their answer ]

Joe Mel, Jr.: Chicken Neck! Dad, will you just listen to me for once in your life? I'm telling you it's Chicken Neck!

Joe Mel: Will you shut up and let me decide?! [ to Richard ] We'll go with Chicken Neck.

Richard Dawson: Gonna take the advice of Joe, Jr. If you're wrong, the Coneheads will win.

Joe Mel, Jr.: Chicken Neck! Chicken Neck!

Richard Dawson: Show me "Chicken Neck!"

[ the Mels get a Strike ]

Mrs. Mel: [ to Joe, Jr. ] You stupid moron! We're sending you to military school!

Joe Mel, Jr.: I wanna go, I wanna go!

Joe Mel: You don't deserve my name!

Joe Mel, Jr.: I don't want it, I don't want it!

Richard Dawson: Well, what a happy, happy bunch of Coneheads! [ the Coneheads press their cones together ] Well, we're awfully sorry, Mel Family, but I guess you lost..

Joe Mel: Well, we knew they'd win when we saw the size of their heads.

Richard Dawson: Well, I'm sure that was said in the best spirit of the game, huh?

Joe Mel: No, it wasn't!

Richard Dawson: Well, nobody cares, because you're losers, what do you think about that? Alright! Beldar Conehead Family, you now have a chance to play for Fast Money! Who's gonna play for it?

Beldar Conehead: I, Beldar, will attempt to obtain Fast Money.

Richard Dawson: Alright, Beldar, let's make some Fast Money! Come on down here! [ Beldar walks to the center of the stage ] Alright, Beldar, I'm gonna ask you five questions at $100 a piece. I want you to tell me the first thing that comes into your head.. which will probably be a low-flying plane.

Beldar Conehead: Proceed, human, proceed!

Richard Dawson: [ confused ] Is that like "Go, man, go"? [ the countdown clock starts ticking ] Alright.. name a famous explorer.

Beldar Conehead: Vypron the Insistent. [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: The biggest holiday of the year.

Beldar Conehead: The Moons of Mypzor! [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: A place you keep your valuables.

Beldar Conehead: In a muldra iron field.

Richard Dawson: A mode of transportation.

Beldar Conehead: A phone shoe. [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: Something you eat with eggs.

Beldar Conehead: Fiberglass. [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: Alright, fella, you were on quite a roll there. No points, no money. Don't feel bad about it, though, you'll be back tomorrow and have another chance at Fast Money. Until then, everybody, remember old people are our greatest national resources. So check in one today and push them around the block. So long, everybody! [ starts jumping with the Coneheads ]

Mark