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Old 02-19-2011, 07:04 AM   #31
Arvon
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Join Date: October 4, 2001
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

A couple were celebrating their 25th anniversary at their house.
Suddenly the husband asks his wife: "dear, I love you so much, and to honor our special day I want to give you whatever you want. just name it".
The wife thinks a little bit and then says: "Well, actually I do have this sudden urge for some snails..."
So the husband leaves for this local delicacy and buys a lot of snails.
On the way back he sees this gorgeous blond, who invites him to her house. He follows her and they have sex for hours. Suddenly he sees this backet of snails waiting to him near the entrance and remembers that his wife is still waiting.
He starts running like crazy carrying the bocket in his arm. seconds before his angry wife opens the door he hears her nervous steps and drops the bocket, so that all the snails are scattered around the floor.
When his wife opens the door and sees him with all the snails, he says:
"Come on boys, just a few more steps, you can make it..."
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Old 02-19-2011, 05:46 PM   #32
VulcanRider
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Join Date: July 25, 2002
Location: Melbourne FL
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

Dear Mom,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Lou got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Lou gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Lou said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Lou is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Lou wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Lou isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Lou said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Love,
Billy
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Old 02-20-2011, 07:28 AM   #33
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

Rerun...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Old 02-20-2011, 02:11 PM   #34
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11


see more funny videos
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Old 02-21-2011, 06:50 AM   #35
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"

She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."

He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"

She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto... Tonto Goldstein."
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Old 02-22-2011, 06:45 AM   #36
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"
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Old 02-22-2011, 06:46 AM   #37
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor... "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue. The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape"
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Old 02-23-2011, 06:45 AM   #38
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
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Old 02-24-2011, 06:56 AM   #39
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?" Reply With Quote
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Old 02-25-2011, 10:14 AM   #40
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.

"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
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