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Old 02-01-2011, 06:50 AM   #1
Arvon
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Join Date: October 4, 2001
Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus
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Default Joke World 02-01-11

And away we go!




Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.

The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands, and salute. The private quickly complied.

Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.

Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the army and navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine General and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"

The marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"
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Old 02-01-2011, 05:32 PM   #2
VulcanRider
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

Year to date statistics on Airport pat-down screening from the TSA...

Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Incontinence 6,418
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
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Old 02-02-2011, 06:43 AM   #3
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
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Old 02-03-2011, 12:29 AM   #4
Bungleau
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Location: Western Wilds of Michigan
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

Not a joke, but a Superbowl commercial preview...

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Old 02-03-2011, 11:49 AM   #5
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest asked.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

"Thank you," said the lady.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, "Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!"
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:52 AM   #6
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

A Real Woman....

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...

Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey.

It's whiskey that does all that sh*t. Never mind.
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Old 02-03-2011, 05:08 PM   #7
VulcanRider
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

And in the same vein...

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Old 02-03-2011, 08:17 PM   #8
VulcanRider
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

Not exactly a joke, but it made me laugh... vr

----------------------------------------

The endangered Pacific Northwest tree octopus in its natural habitat. (snicker)
Is this creature capable of exposing shocking internet illiteracy?

Donald Leu, a researcher from the University of Connecticut, conducted a U.S. Department of Education-funded study of internet literacy among so-called "digital natives," fabricating the tree octopus to test students' ability to evaluate information they find on the internet.

Researchers asked students to find out information about the endangered Pacific Northwest tree octopus. Students had no problem locating a Web site dedicated to the cause, http://zapatopi.net/treeoctopus/ "but insisted on the existence of the made-up story, even after researchers explained the information on the website was completely fabricated," according to a press release.

(Author's note: You gotta check out this Web site, you can actually buy posters and T-shirts through Cafe Press.)

Most students "simply have very little in the way of critical evaluation skills," Leu said. "They may tell you they don't believe everything they read on the Internet, but they do."

The study also found that students shunned search engines in favor of typing what they think is the right site directly into the address bar, such as Georgewashington.com. When they did use a search engine, they skipped right over legitimate pages "because it didn't look like what they had in mind," Leu said.

"That's what children do with their rock stars and their other cultural stars. They are accustomed to typing in the name and adding '.com.' That often doesn't work for real academic research," Leu said.

Leu's conclusions are serious. As the internet becomes the primary tool for research, we are failing to teach kids how to critically analyze information they find there.

But darn it, that tree octopus thing is funny. I'm not laughing. Really. I'm not.

http://blog.mysanantonio.com/educati...et-illiteracy/

The moral of the story? Don't believe everything you read on the internet...
----------------------------------------
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Old 02-04-2011, 06:42 AM   #9
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:54 AM   #10
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

A woman is in the hospital and just had twins, a boy and a girl. But no one is there with her except her brother.
The nurse comes into the room after the delivery and says,"your brother has taken the liberty to name the children."
The new mother says,"Oh no. he probably gave them stupid names."
The nurse says,"The girls name is denise."
The mother says,"That's not bad, i like it. And the boys?"
The nurse says,"The boys name is De-nephew."
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