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Old 05-01-2001, 08:06 AM   #1
JJ/newbie
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ok, looks like the old chamber of laughter has gone the way of the dodo and air-breathing capabilities of the Sahaugin, so in keeping my promise to Vicotnik, here is the new improved laughfest, with less of the blue especially for you, cloudsylph of the blushing crimson, I know your tolerance level for the risque is very low, and the best jokes are repeatable in public, anyway.

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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)
 
Old 05-01-2001, 08:07 AM   #2
JJ/newbie
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BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to
sample a new discount item-Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's
largest
retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to
produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of
Wal-Mart
brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine,
said
Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in
Bristol, R.I., "There is wine in a box that people are willing to buy,"
she
said. "The right name is important."

The top 15 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

15. Box O' Grapes
14. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
13. White Trashfindel
12. Big Red Gulp
11. Grape Expectations
10. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
9. NASCAbernet
8. Chef Boyardeaux
7. Peanut Noir
6. Blue Light Special Nun
5. Chateau des Moines
4. Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling

and the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...

1. Nasti Spumante




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)
 
Old 05-01-2001, 08:08 AM   #3
JJ/newbie
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"Great Lines from Job Evaluations"

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is not so much of a has-been,
but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision
and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only
to change whatever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot
puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He set low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere
of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far, and the sooner
he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard
was not looking.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing
to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than
an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens
cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in
IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he
was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but
the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other one
is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.

25. If he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts,
you will get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you
can hear the ocean.

28. It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000
other sperm.

29. On neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge,
he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60
minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has
reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only
out of morbid curiosity.



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)
 
Old 05-01-2001, 08:09 AM   #4
JJ/newbie
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THE ENGINEER


An engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the
engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After a while they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a
pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he
should never have gone down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are
YOU going to get a lawyer?"



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)
 
Old 05-01-2001, 08:13 AM   #5
JJ/newbie
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There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew
every thing there was to know about accounting. He could
answer any question. He knew all the tax laws: There wasn't a
better accountant anywhere.

Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk
drawer, open it up and look inside for a minute, and then
close and lock it again.

This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only
eccentricity that this person exhibited. They tried many
times to look over his shoulder, or get into his desk when he
wasn't there, without success.

One day when the elderly man was sitting at his desk, going
over an account, he suffered a heart attack and died. This
upset everyone tremendously. However, now that he was gone,
the other members of the firm could finally see what was in
the drawer.

After obtaining the keys, they unlocked the desk drawer and
cautiously peeked inside. They found one sheet of paper, and
written in large letters was:

"DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT"

-------------------------------------------------------------
FUNNY THOUGHTS:
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore." Yogi Berra
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked
whether or not she'd have children if she had to do over
again.

"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)
 
Old 05-01-2001, 08:14 AM   #6
JJ/newbie
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Subject: Something to Ponder
Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2001 22:36:14 -0700

>> > > 1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
>>unprotected.
>> > 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
>> > 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
>> > 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots
>> > wore helmets.
>> > 5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
>> >
>> >
>> > 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
>> > more specific.
>> > 7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at
>> > you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
>> > 8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
>> > but anyone going faster is a maniac?
>> >
>> >
>> > 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
>> > miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she
>>is.
>> >
>> >
>> > 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
>> > lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands
>> > there picking the locks, there are always locking three of them.
>> >
>> >
>> > 11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some
>> > form of
>> > mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then
>>it
>> > must be you.
>> > 12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think
>> > if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
>>laundry
>> > isn't your biggest problem.
>> >
>> > 13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
>> > tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my
>> > wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
>> >
>> >
>> > 14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede
>> > jacket and said,"Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I
>> > said "Ididn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you
>>too."
>> >
>> > 15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
>> > Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library,
>> > and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore
>> >

------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)
 
Old 05-01-2001, 10:11 AM   #7
RudeDawg
20th Level Warrior
 

Join Date: April 9, 2001
Location: Dallas, Tx, USA
Age: 54
Posts: 2,830
A man decides to go to an exclusive black tie restaurant for dinner. As he approaches the door to the dining room, he is met by the Maitre D', who explains to him that he cannot enter without wearing a tie. Not having one with him, the man returns to his car and retrieves a pair of jumper cables from his trunk. He then ties them around his neck and proceeds back to the restaurant. Upon seeing him again the Maitre D' says "what do you call that around your neck"? The man explains to him that it is all he has for a tie. After much argument from both men the Maitre D' finally relents and says "Oh all right, I will let you go in this time, but don’t start anything!"



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Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
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Old 05-01-2001, 11:04 AM   #8
RudeDawg
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Join Date: April 9, 2001
Location: Dallas, Tx, USA
Age: 54
Posts: 2,830
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I
empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful
consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant
task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the
glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and
as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses
in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some
tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish
I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

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Old 05-01-2001, 11:20 AM   #9
Draconia
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Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Utah
Posts: 581
LMAO funny stuff guys!!

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Draconia, Dragon Queen
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Old 05-01-2001, 11:25 AM   #10
Cloudbringer
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Upstate NY USA
Posts: 19,737
Quote:
Originally posted by JJ/newbie:
ok, looks like the old chamber of laughter has gone the way of the dodo and air-breathing capabilities of the Sahaugin, so in keeping my promise to Vicotnik, here is the new improved laughfest, with less of the blue especially for you, cloudsylph of the blushing crimson, I know your tolerance level for the risque is very low, and the best jokes are repeatable in public, anyway.

JJ! awwww Thanks. Hey, my tolerance level for risque is purrrty high, ask Armie... It's downright crude sexual and bathroom 'humor' I find a tad undesirable. But I'm not condemning anyone! You folks are adults and if you want to tell jokes like that in a place I can avoid...hey...I'm not stopping anyone!

That said...this was very thoughtful, I appreciate it. Oh and funny...LOL

Cloudy

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