My Mother-in-law syndrome has kicked in finally

[Larry_OHF]

She has always been okay with me, until my inlaws moved in a month ago, since they sold their home to move to Argentina for the next two years.

They will be here one more week after today. It started out fine, but slowly, she is beginning to make me hate her. Here is a list.

1. Does not like the way I cook. I cook all meals, btw.
2. Does not allow me to tend to my own kids. She thinks she can do better.
3. Does my dirty laundry and washes dishes before I can get to them. She is also making me feel bad about that.
4. Does not like the groceries I buy, and went out to buy her own.
5. Does not enforce the rules that I need enforced in my home, and the four-year old is beginning to rebel against me. She also prefers grandma to me now.
6. Always in my way, and reorganizing my stuff.


Aside from this, let me tell you specific examples of just yesterday. I was making fried sweet potatoes like my grandmother used to make, cutting them into chip-sizes and frying them in butter, ading brown sugar to taste. She asked why was I not boiling them, because she had never had them fried before. Her tone was what stung. I told her that she'd better get used to strange foods if she was going to live in Argentina.
When they were on her plate, she acted like they were not cooked through, and pretended to have a hard time cutting one with her fork, especially since I had not given her nor anyone a knife, since it was not required. She voiced thisto the family as she was pretending to slice through a piece having a hard time doing so.

Last night, I was making some horehound tea to be used in the candy I am making with it. I found alot of recipes, including horehound ale, that is still drank in small villages in england somewhere by what this report said...

Anyway, after making the tea, I began making chocolate candy. (hard version of fudge fomr an old Hershey's cookbook dating back to the fifties...)

I made it, and set it out for eating the next day.

Today, she had a piece, and began to complain to me, saying that she wished that I had not ruined it by adding the horehound extract. I only laughed and walked away while my father-in-law explained that I never used horehound in the chocolate, and that her tasting horehound in it was only due to her thinking it was there.


Anyway, I am suffering and cannot take another week. She is a guest in my home and should be respectful enough to eat my food without complaint and let me handle my businesses in my own home.

BTW...I am a student while my wife works, until I graduate. That is why I am at home all day. This is summer so I only have two classes, only two days a week. I guess you wanted to know that.

[Jorath Calar]

well just think in one week she will be on another hemisphere... [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Stormymystic]

[img]graemlins/wow.gif[/img] I am sorry for you, I could not handle my mother-in-law that long, I must say, I am impressed. tell your wife that if her mother so much as looks at you wrong next time, you will not stand by and tolerate it, you need to stand up for yourself to her, amd count the days until she is gone each day mark it off, and add a reason to a list on why you still love her

[johnny]

You will bow down to the queen and do as you're told, or you will be severely spanked.

[Xen]

Most mothers-in-law are like that. At least at my family.

[Bungleau]

Boy, oh, boy... talk about a no-win situation

Well, first things first. You have to have your wife's support on whatever happens. If you don't have it, you're toast.

Second, it's your house. Your house, your rules. Years ago, my dad made it clear to me that if I came back to live at his house after I moved out, I would still have to follow his rules. I responded that the same was true if he was in my house. He acknowledged that (although taken a bit back, perhaps), and agreed that it was proper. We've never had a problem since then (and I think we both secretly vowed never to let it happen).

Your MIL needs to recognize that it is your house and your rules. If she cannot or will not abide by them, then perhaps it's best that she live somewhere else for the last week. A hotel, a trailer park, a cardboard box under the bridge... living in your house comes with rules instead of rent (unless she's paying rent, that is).

About the groceries... if she wants to buy her own, and make her own meals, let her. You buy for and handle your family, and she can do what she needs. My in-laws routinely buy some of their own groceries when they're here, and my wife and I roll our eyes and move on. We fix what we're preparing for meals, and if they don't like it, they can take care of themselves. And they do, just like real grown-ups [img]smile.gif[/img]

About the laundry and cleaning... hey, more power to her. She's not a full-fledged guest, so if she wants to contribute around the house, let her. No sense in feeling guilty about that. Now, if she uses that to put you down, then refer to point #1 -- your house, your rules. I'm sure there's a rule in your house about being polite to people.

About reorganizing your stuff... kindly tell her that it's not appreciated. You've got your things where they are for a reason, however strange it may be. You'd like it left there.

About her enforcement of your rules... she's got to realize that the kids are your responsibility long after she's headed down to Argentina. Grandparents certainly do get to spoil their grandkids, but they don't get the right (or privilege) to thwart their parents' efforts to raise them. It may take you calling her out in the middle of a situation to remind her that your rules are "X", and she's not allowed to override them in your house. This is one of those spots where your wife's support is critical [img]smile.gif[/img]

You've got a decision to make. Do you make an issue of this stuff, set the ship on an even keel, and establish the rules for how your in-laws will live in your house? Or do you bite your tongue, knowing that there's only a week left (this time ) and get things back to normal after they're gone?

Unfortunately, there are no right or wrong answers, only tradeoffs. But ultimately, you are responsible for your own family and their care and feeding (so to speak), and not for your in-laws. They are responsible for themselves, and if they do not like what you are eating, drinking, or doing, they should be welcome to go eat, drink, and do what they would like. It just may not be in the same place.

And if I haven't said it enough, you and your wife need to be on the same page with whatever you do or decide.

Good luck. I feel for you.

[Cloudbringer]

Oh geez, Larry, you've got a lot going on there! I have to say I agree with Bungleau's post for the most part.

The only things I'd add are that you should keep in mind that your in-laws aren't going to stop being your family, so you probably want to keep that in mind when dealing with your mother in law. It doesn't hurt that they are leaving shortly, I bet!

I say this because as much as my first reaction would be to toss them out of my house if I was in your shoes, I would probably not do it, knowing that I'd have to still deal with them (as my spouses family) in the future and tossing them out would make things even more awkward. Although it sounds like your m-i-l doesn't have a lot of tact or understanding of her own, that's for sure!

I definitely agree with Bungleau on the food issue. If your m-i-l doesn't like your choices and buys her own food, it's not what we'd call 'polite' but it serves a purpose if it keeps her from badmouthing your cooking! I'm one to tell my guests they don't need to eat anything they don't like and not to be 'polite' if they don't like something. I know not everyone has the same food preferences and as long as I can find something that they can/will eat, I'm happy. Now that may mean the person ends up with a peanut butter sandwich if they don't like the lemonpepper chicken or garlic steak, but at least they've got dinner!

The part where you say your m-i-l is undermining your authority and the rules you've set up for your little girl bothers me, though! As has been said, it is YOUR house and your rules and you and your wife are raising your children in the manner you deem fit, so she may spoil them with a toy or candy or whatever now and then, but following the general rules you set down for your children's behavior is a must!

I wish you luck, Larry! Just keep telling yourself that Argentina is a LONG way away and maybe the phone and mail service will be slow. [img]smile.gif[/img]

PS: LOL, you know if I'd been there when she was going on about how you should have boiled things, I'd have handed her one and said, ok, go boil it!

[ 07-02-2004, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: Cloudbringer ]

[Ehrys]

Larry,

I feel for you man. Sounds like your MIL is 'old world' and is applying some of those "standards" to you. I agree with Bungleau and Cloudy, but (and not exactly sure, but the way you describe the situation), it also makes me think that she doesn't respect you according to her standards correlating "alpha-male" to "husband"... the fact that your wife is working and you're completing school, you're at home most of the time doing the "wifely duties", etc., etc. (please note I said "old world" 'cause that's the feeling I got from your note)

Therefore, your MIL may be doing what she thinks is best according to the way she has been raised, because "men" can't do and to some respects are not supposed to do those things, so she takes the lead and will run the place in absence of her daughter.

If this is the case, there is nothing you can do that will not come out in harsh feelings and bitterness that will affect your family even after they move to Argentina because of their mindset and cultural upbringing. What you can try to do (and it sounds like your Father in Law is a bit more understanding of the situation) is have a 1 on 1 with her (respectfully) and dig into the real reasons why she is undermining your "presence" in the household. Then, you both need to come to an understanding as to how things work. That's where you need the support of both your wife AND your father in law.

If you can't have the 1 on 1, or if it doesn't work, you then have no choice (because your MIL will see you as an adversary) but to rely on your father in law and your wife to support you and reinforce things in your stead (if old world, your father in law's word will hold more weight than yours, and your daughter's plead for help for your MIL to support you will not go unheeded)

Good luck. These situations are not easy and I find that if they are culturally based, reaching common ground through the understanding of the cultures usually helps.

Being Korean-Canadian, there is a lot of "old world vs new world" clashes that I've gone through with my in-laws.

Regretfully, my MIL and I came to an understanding of eachother and how things work a bit too late, as she passed from cancer 2 years ago. I kinda miss her nagging me now.

Anyways, goodluck and hope it turns out well.

[ 07-02-2004, 10:58 AM: Message edited by: Ehrys ]

[Bungleau]

LOL! That's another good option, Cloudy -- Don't like how I'm doing it? There's the kitchen... have at it.

And about the hotel thing... I'm not suggesting that you boot your in-laws. However, they need to respect your house, and recognize that it's not there. They're welcome to stay, but only if they abide by your rules.

And if they disagree with some of the rules, be open to discussion. If they're not willing to abide by your rules while living in your house, it will be best for everyone, long-term as well as short-term, if they are not staying there. And that goes double for family, in my book.

Unfortunately, it's probably a lot about establishing the family pecking order. Your in-laws may still consider your wife to be their little girl, and not an independent woman. Hence the tendency to mother and run the household. I'm past that with my dad... not necessarily with my mom, but I'm getting there. My wife's folks are beyond it AFAICT.

It won't be easy, but it will be over soon. And think... what better place to come and vent than here?

Just make sure they don't wander over here to see what's been going on...

[Larry_OHF]

Wow guys! Thanks for the "lengthy" responses!

I feel so loved... [img]graemlins/docheart.gif[/img]