Cyber Friendships - Are They Real?

[Cloudbringer]

Originally posted by Memnoch: Repeat? Dunno what you're talking about.

Silly me.. must have been a bit of double vision.. all that light laughter and sweet water... Hey, babe, check your mail.

Cloudy

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Raindancer of the Laughing Hyenas Clan
Storm-Queen
StormCloud of the Black Knight: Heart Mind Soul Forever
"To sleep, perchance to dream..."

[This message has been edited by Cloudbringer (edited 07-14-2001).]

[Jafin]

This is an interesting topic, and one that I've considered posting about many a time but never did for some reason. I've had a rather interesting experience with cyber friends. For a long time, I was very nervous about meeting someone on the net (with all the horror stories you here on the news about molesters and such) but one day I really wanted to know what goes on in chat rooms (I'd never been in one before this).

I decided to go into one of the many AOL chats and simply lurked about. After a while, with me having said nothing, someone invited me to IM. I decided "Why not?" and began to chat. I found out some about this person. It was a girl, just a couple years younger than me and that we shared many interests. We talked for about 45 minutes and thought we should keep in touch. I thought that would be kind of cool, having an online friend, I'd never had one before and I wanted to see if it would last any length of time.

Well, the night after, I saw her online again and we began talking and things were really starting to click. We talked for about 3 hours or so and by the end of it, she was my girlfriend and I was her boyfriend.

I thought this was rather odd, but I was willing to go through things for awhile at least until I was really sure of this. Over the next week, my feelings began to grow for her, and seemed, hers for me. Unfortuneatly, things took a rather bad turn, she was going to be losing internet access. As could be expected, I was VERY upset, and she seemed to be very much so as well. A few days later, she was offline. I attempted to send an e-mail but AOL said that her sn was no longer registered.

I thought the worst and thought things were over but my feelings remained. I thought it very strange, how could you feel that way over the internet? I hadn't ever met her, I didn't even know what she looked like, and worst of all, she lived 700 miles away from me.

After a month however, I received an e-mail from her! I was VERY excited and immediately e-mailed her back. We talked again over IM and things were, much to my surprise, the same way they were before she lost internet access. I was amazed and slightly confused but I wasn't going to do anything to ruin it.

Our relationship continued on for a total of 3 and a half months. However, due to the distance between us and a lack of transportation between our 2 places, things didn't work out. It's been a little more than a month since our break-up now.

As for my opinion on this topic, I believe that cyber-friends can be just as real as rl friends, in every aspect. There are a few differences though. One, it is much harder to maintain contact when your friendship is online, unless you have a means of getting in contact in rl. Second, in rl, you know who the person you're talking to is (better than you do online at least). Care should definitely be taken when approaching a friendship or romantic relationship online. You have to make sure you know who the person is before giving out any personal information (as Saz suggested, a month is a good amount of time). What I said above is a VERY short version of what went through my head and what happened. A lot more happened but I'm too tired right now to relate it all.

Anyway, that's just my personal experience and my own opinions, I'm sure many people have had experiences much different than what I've had.

-Jafin

edit: I don't talk about this with just anybody, even with some of my rl friends so that shows yet again that cyber-friends can be and are just as real as rl friends.

[This message has been edited by Jafin (edited 07-14-2001).]

[Kinslayer]

Hi, this has the potential to become one hell of a thread! Personally I've never been into a chat room or a forumn until this one and I've yet to visit another. It's kind of strange because I've always thought these sort of things were for people who didn't have "real friends". Yet, I came here just looking for a couple of answers to BGII questions and had a nose around some of the other threads for the sake of curiousity. I wouldn't say I've made friends with anyone here yet but I have enjoyed reading others opinions and giggled at some of the humour. This has led me to wonder what some of these people are like in real life. I agree with Sazerac in the regard that people do need to be wary of internet friendships because I believe you can never judge someones honesty unless you can look them in the eye. On the other hand, I've had no-one pestering me for details about myself and everything I've surrendered about me onto this site has been done willingly so there don't seem to be any ulterior motives. In short, if I was in the area of anyone I speak to on here I would like to meet up with them and would probably be able to develop a friendship with them. Friendship is one of the hardest things to classify as I have a friend who I do a lot for yet he is the most selfish guy in the world, I have another who I rarely see or speak to yet on the occasions we do meet up you'd think we were brothers. My motto for friendship has always been "Always put friends happiness above your own". If two people are doing this to each other then you have a friendship to last for an eternity, unfortunately the world is not that perfect and giving too much of yourself can lead to being let down.

[Ramon de Ramon y Ramon]

Originally posted by Memnoch: Friends are like stars...you may not always see them but you know they are always there. That goes for real-life and cyber; I don't make a distinction. The only difference is in the mode of communication!

Well, Memnoch, but doesn't that say more about your personal attitude towards friendship than about the "objective" nature of friendships in general ?

So, in the end, like always, in comes down to your own personality and what kind of friendships/relationships that allows you to establish and maintain. I leave to it the assessment of each of you if that is rather a very trite or a very scary idea ...

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So long !

R³ - proud to be the official spokesman for the most noble Lady Bilqis, Desert Rose of Ironworks

Btw, the cow is queuing in the slaughterhouse right now !

[Bahamut]

i agree with memnoch. i treat them as friends. i treat everyone as friends, and that is my weakness...

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Yukishiro Tomoe

[Azred]

I spent the 1990s in disastrous relationships with people I met in RL. Aren't I smart? Anyway, last year I was hopping around different chat rooms and I met this person who turned out to be completely wonderful. After an appropriate time we met, decided that we were both sane and liked each other, and are now about to marry.

I believe that meeting people online has one advantage over face-to-face meetings--you are not concerned about anything except what the person is saying. Listen to what a person says (or types) and you can figure out their character; even the best liars can keep up pretenses for only so long. It all comes down to honest communication; remember--people carried on relationships via letters before the telephone. How is that different than the Internet? My own grandparents stayed together even though they saw each other only about 4 months out of 5 years during WWII, mostly because of the occasional letter.

In short, there is no real difference between RL and the Internet anymore; both are equally risky. We could meet tomorrow and I could make up all sorts of stories about myself. How would you know?

But then again, why would I?

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An intelligent mind is the key to the universe.

The most distressing thing about practicing magic is the fact that even the most learned sorcerers cannot accurately describe what magic *is*....

[Jerome]

Originally posted by Sazerac: Likewise, someone who comes online and acts completely obnoxious (and we've had our share of those) in order to get attention at first, will start to mellow out after awhile and start evidencing their true nature.

Hmmm, dont know anyone like that Memnoch.....do you?



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[Black Knight]

Kinslayer, you method of arrival here sounds VERY familar. Back in January, I was looking for some hints as to how/where to complete a weapon in BGII. I put in the Baldurs Gate II into a search engine, found the site here, and actually was reading the walk-through (hangs head in shame). Once, I was on the Ironworks page and thought I was clicking in the Ironworks Network section and I clicked on the Forum section. After my confusion wore off, I clicked on a couple of threads, read some stuff, laughed, got angry, and laugh some more at people's jokes, trials, and antedotes.

A couple of days later Moiraine got into an accident. People here wondered what happened to here because she normally posts at a certain time of day, and she hadn't for a couple of days. Then someone got an email from her telling what happened, that person mentioned it here that she was in a somewhat serious accident and was hurt, along with her son. The next day, I came back an was amazed at the thread that was all well-wishers for her. Very long in a short period of time. So I logged in and posted my little get well thing (my first post, mind you) and when Moiraine came back, you could almost hear how happy it made her having all those E-wishes that she get better and that her and her son get well. She personally thanked each one of us by name, and noticed that she hadn't spoken to me before, thanked me, and told me to chat more with her later when things got settled in. For some reason, it made a connection with me, and I've been here ever since.

I've met many, many people here, played a couple of games that I probably wouldn't of if it wasn't for this site, and I do consider many of you friends. Are they friends in the same way as my RL friends. No. It is same as the different between my friends at work and my friends away from work. Or the friends you have back home and the friends you have at college. It is just a different kind of friend, a different flavor, if you will. Does it make it any less person? In some ways yes, in some ways no. I could be this 50 yr old, 300 pound, balding, 4 foot talk black women, or I could be a 15 yr old chinese male will long, black hair that is barely 100 pounds. Does it matter? The concern I've shone for others is very real, the humor I've shared with you all is funny (I hope), and the fun I've had is very real.

The point is, like all friendships, you get out of it what you put into it. If you take people at their face value, let them tell you their story, and if they want to lie, that's up to them. They are only hurting themselves by it, and if that what they need to feel good about themselves, then that is fine. If this site was all about being 100% truthful, we wouldn't, for most of us, be using names other than our own.

Will these last? No, most will not. My real life friends come and go, too, so that is not too big of shock. But, in real life, I have a handful of friends that are constants in my life, that I catch up on things with every few months, and it's like I never left. Same thing here. I expect there to be a couple of you whom I speak with every so often that really mean something. And I expect there is a couple of you to whom me jumping of the Virtual Cliff would not make you miss a beat. Such is life. But I do value my time here, and I value the connections I made here as much as some of the ones I've made in RL. Just in a different kind of way.

BK

[Charean]

I consider myself fortunate, indeed. I meet folks online - even on the boards here, and follow that with rl meetings. For me it is a matter of people are who they are, whether they are online or not. I am grateful for the friends I have met here and for the ones in rl. To me, they are all as valid and as real as anything else in this life.

According to a Buddhist monk friend, the reason that online relationships work a lot like rl ones, is because the electrical connection can be as powerful as a rl one. So when you are typing to your friend, you are literally connected through current. Just a thought.

I have a couple of friends I have met online that I have had for years, and I have new ones that will be a challenge to keep up with when I am on the truck. I always strive to maintain contact... but you know that goes both ways!



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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny.
The Upanishads

[Fljotsdale]

Hm. Not an easy question for me to answer. I'm not good at making friends. I have a LOT of RL acquaintances that I know pretty well and see a lot of; but I only have three really good friends outside my family (I count my family my friends, too) - and I only see them occasionally.
Getting close to people is something I tend to avoid because I hate the pain if things go wrong or someone dies.
Same on-line. I had two really good on-line friends - no, three - and I thought they would continue. But they didn't. It hurt. So - I keep most relationships light, both on-line and RL. The RL friends I have I trust utterly and I know they trust me. But more?... I guess I'm just a custard!

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