The Friendly Skies

[John D Harris]

> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
> "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here
> are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
>
> ******
> On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
> pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
> will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
> enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
> ******
> On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your
> belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
> something we'd like to have."
>
> ******
> "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
> off this airplane."
>
> ******
> "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us
> the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
> ******
> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone
> voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
> ******
> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight
> attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening
> the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
> everything has shifted."
>
> ******
> From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
> to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and
> pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know
> how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
>
> ******
> In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the
> ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
> have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
> with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick
your
> favorite.
>
> ******
> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll
> try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
> nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
> ******
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
> emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
> compliments."
>
> ******
> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
> area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
> children... or other adults acting like children."
>
> ******
> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything
> left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
> do not leave children or spouses."
>
> ******
> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased
to
> have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none
> of them are on this flight!"
>
> ******
> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
> City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite
a
> bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the
> airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
> attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
>
> ******
> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
> particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was
> really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
> Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in
> your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left
> of our airplane to the gate!"
>
> ******
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask
> you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
>
> ******
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
> ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
> the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,
smile,
> and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of
> his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
> thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
> gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
> "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot.
"What
> is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
>
> ******
> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
> with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
> and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
> gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
> silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage
> to the terminal."
>
> ******
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you
> folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
> to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll
> think of US Airways."
>
> ******
> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable
> cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
> "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
> Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good
> and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
back
> and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the
> captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so
> sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight
> attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
> You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's
> nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[Glorfindel]

[img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] LOL!!! funny... I especially liked the seatbelt one and the 1st oxygen mask ones [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

[Dreamer128]

Lol, very nice [img]smile.gif[/img]