Visit the Ironworks Gaming Website Email the Webmaster Graphics Library Rules and Regulations Help Support Ironworks Forum with a Donation to Keep us Online - We rely totally on Donations from members Donation goal Meter

Ironworks Gaming Radio

Ironworks Gaming Forum

Go Back   Ironworks Gaming Forum > Ironworks Gaming Forums > General Discussion > General Conversation Archives (11/2000 - 01/2005)

 
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 02-27-2004, 10:48 AM   #1
Skippy1
Elminster
 

Join Date: December 9, 2003
Location: England (Ex-pat Aussie)
Age: 61
Posts: 447
The Tong Master

The Tong-Master Griff, was at the barbecue and Joel was at the barbecue and I was at the barbecue; three men standing around a barbecue, sipping beer, staring at sausages, rolling them backwards and forwards, never leaving them alone. We didn't know why we were at the barbecue; we were just drawn there like moths to a flame. The barbecue was a powerful gravitational force, a man-magnet.

Joel said "the thin ones could use a turn", I said "yeah I reckon the thin ones could use a turn", Griff said "yeah they really need a turn", it was a unanimous turning decision. Griff was the Tong-Master, a true artist, he gave a couple of practice snaps of his long silver tongs, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of his wrist, rolling them onto their little backs. A lessor tong-man would've flicked too hard; the sausages would've gone full circle, back to where they started. Nice, I said. The others went "yeah".

Kevin was passing us, he heard the siren song - the sizzle of the snags, the barbecue was calling, beckoning, Kevinnnnn .... come. He stuck his head in and said, "any room"? We said "yeah" and begun the barbecue shuffle; Griff shuffled to the left, Joel shuffled to the left, I shuffled to the left, Kevin slipped in beside me, we sipped our beer. Now there were four of us staring at the sausages and Griff gave me the nod - my cue.

I was second-in-command, and I had to take the raw sausages out of the plastic bag and lay them on the barbecue; not too close together, not too far apart, curl them into each other's bodies like lovers - fat ones, thin ones, herbed and continental. The chipolatas were tiny, they could easily slip down between the grill, falling into molten hot-bead-netherworld below. Carefully I laid them sideways ACROSS the grill, clever thinking. Griff snapped his tongs with approval; there was no greater barbecue honour.

P.J came along, he said "looking good, looking good" - the irresistible lure of the barbecue had pulled him in too. We said "yeah", and did the shuffle, left, left, left, left, he slipped in beside Kevin, we sipped our beer. Five men, lots of sausages.

Joel was the Fork-pronger; he had the fork that pronged the tough hides of the Bavarian bratwursts and he showed a lot of promise. Stabbing away eagerly, leaving perfect little vampire holes up and down the casing. P.J was shaking his head, he said "I reckon they cook better if you don't poke them".

There was a long silence, you could have heard a chipolata drop, and this newcomer was a rabble-rouser, bringing in his crazy ideas from outside. He didn't understand the hierarchy; first the Tong-Master, then the Sausage-layer, then the Fork-pronger - and everyone below was just a watcher. Maybe eventually they'll move up the ladder, but for now - don't rock the Weber.

Dianne popped her head in; "hmmmm, smells good", she said. She was trying to jostle into the circle; we closed ranks, pulling our heads down and our shoulders in, mumbling "yeah yeah", but making no room for her. She was keen, going round to the far side of the barbecue, heading for the only available space.... the gap in the circle where all the smoke and ashes blew. Nobody could survive the gap; Dianne was going to try. She stood there stubbornly, smoke blinding her eyes, ashes filling her nostrils, sausage fat spattering all over her arms and face, until she couldn't take it any more, she gave up and backed off. Kevin waited till she was gone and sipped his beer. We sipped our beer, "yeah".

Griff handed me his tongs. I looked at him and he nodded. I knew what was happening, I'd waited a long time for this moment - the abdication. The tongs weighed heavy in my hands, firm in my grip. Was I ready for the responsibility?

Yes, I was. I held them up high and they glinted in the sun. Don't forget to turn the thin ones Griff said, as he walked away from the barbecue, disappearing toward the house. "Yeah" I called back, "I will, I will". I snapped the tongs twice, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of my wrist, rolling them back onto their little bellies. I was a natural, I was the TONG-MASTER. But only till Griff got back from the toilet !!!
__________________
"The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind." -- William James
Skippy1 is offline  
Old 02-27-2004, 11:31 AM   #2
Bungleau
40th Level Warrior
 

Join Date: October 29, 2001
Location: Western Wilds of Michigan
Posts: 11,752
Ah, yes... one of my old favorites. I've got three copies of this in my old emails, each with its own slight variation.

And before any one makes any strange comments, 'tis true....
__________________
*B*
Save Early, Save Often Save Before, Save After
Two-Star General, Spelling Soldiers
-+-+-+
Give 'em a hug one more time. It might be the last.
Bungleau is offline  
Old 02-27-2004, 11:36 AM   #3
Skippy1
Elminster
 

Join Date: December 9, 2003
Location: England (Ex-pat Aussie)
Age: 61
Posts: 447
The Beer Prayer

Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk ( I will be drunk )
At home as if in tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillage's
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not to incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager
For ever and ever....

Barmen
__________________
"The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind." -- William James
Skippy1 is offline  
Old 02-27-2004, 11:41 AM   #4
Vaskez
Takhisis Follower
 

Join Date: April 30, 2001
Location: szép Magyarország (well not right now)
Posts: 5,089
ROFL at the beer prayer [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]
__________________
Too set in his ways to ever relate
If he could set that aside, there'd be heaven to pay
But weathered and aged, time swept him to grave
Love conquers all? Damn, I'd say that area's gray
Vaskez is offline  
Old 02-27-2004, 11:50 AM   #5
Illumina Drathiran'ar
Apophis
 
5 Card Draw Champion
Join Date: July 10, 2002
Location: I can see the Manhattan skyline from my window.
Age: 38
Posts: 4,673
What *IS* this male fixation on barbecue?! I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I don't understand it. I can understand even less the mentality it puts several people, like my father, in. All he would do is make a huuuuuge production out of it... and perhaps it is difficult. I would imagine it would take a huge amount of skill to char something on the outside while leaving it pink and raw on the inside. And he leaves all the tools lying about for me to clean up, all the while prancing about in a manner not unlike my cat when he (my cat) (also sometimes my father) drags in a dead bird as a gift for me, expecting to be praised. (Of course I do praise him.) (My cat) (But that's besides the point).
Or is it all the Fire and the Pointy-Shinies and the Tools and Implements and this big manly grill? I'm sorry, I just don't get it.
Am I right on this? Someone help me out...
__________________
http://cavestory.org
PLAY THIS GAME. Seriously.

http://xkcd.com/386/
http://www.xkcd.com/406/

My heart is like my coffee. Black, bitter, icy, and with a straw.
Illumina Drathiran'ar is offline  
Old 02-27-2004, 11:59 AM   #6
Skippy1
Elminster
 

Join Date: December 9, 2003
Location: England (Ex-pat Aussie)
Age: 61
Posts: 447
Your a girl, right?

In this life there are things that you simply have to accept that you will never understand.

It's a maaaannnnn thang!
__________________
"The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind." -- William James
Skippy1 is offline  
Old 02-27-2004, 12:35 PM   #7
Kakero
40th Level Warrior
 

Join Date: March 24, 2002
Posts: 10,215
What does these have to do with barbies?
Kakero is offline  
Old 02-27-2004, 12:42 PM   #8
Cloudbringer
Ironworks Moderator
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Upstate NY USA
Posts: 19,737
Quote:
Originally posted by Illumina Drathiran'ar:
What *IS* this male fixation on barbecue?! I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I don't understand it. I can understand even less the mentality it puts several people, like my father, in. All he would do is make a huuuuuge production out of it... and perhaps it is difficult. I would imagine it would take a huge amount of skill to char something on the outside while leaving it pink and raw on the inside. And he leaves all the tools lying about for me to clean up, all the while prancing about in a manner not unlike my cat when he (my cat) (also sometimes my father) drags in a dead bird as a gift for me, expecting to be praised. (Of course I do praise him.) (My cat) (But that's besides the point).
Or is it all the Fire and the Pointy-Shinies and the Tools and Implements and this big manly grill? I'm sorry, I just don't get it.
Am I right on this? Someone help me out...
[img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] I know, Illumina, it really is a testosterone driven thing, methinks! I like to barbecue in the summer but my fiance will get all 'male' and grunt things like 'fire good!' at me while planning his next culinary feat at the barbecue!

[ 02-27-2004, 02:04 PM: Message edited by: Cloudbringer ]
__________________
"Don't take life for granted." Animal (may he rest in peace)
Cloudbringer is offline  
Old 02-27-2004, 12:45 PM   #9
Downunda
Set - Egyptian God of Chaos
 

Join Date: January 7, 2002
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand
Age: 45
Posts: 2,975
Kakero... not quick of wit is our Kakero...

Barbies are to Australians (and to a lesser extant, New Zealanders) what Barbeques are to the rest of the world [img]smile.gif[/img]
__________________
\"Doing stuff is overrated, like Hitler, he did lots of stuff, but doesn\'t everybody wish he\'d just stayed at home and smoked pot?!?\"
Downunda is offline  
Old 02-27-2004, 12:48 PM   #10
Kakero
40th Level Warrior
 

Join Date: March 24, 2002
Posts: 10,215
Oh I see, I thought it has something to do with the girlie doll.
Kakero is offline  
 


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Australian Aboriginals wellard General Discussion 44 07-09-2007 10:29 PM
Australian Multiplayer? David15 Baldurs Gate & Tales of the Sword Coast 0 05-21-2002 03:25 AM
Australian wine Mouse General Conversation Archives (11/2000 - 01/2005) 11 05-05-2002 10:58 AM
Australian in Al Qa'eda!! Yorick General Discussion 6 12-15-2001 06:48 AM
A comment on the Australian SAS Memnoch General Discussion 1 10-27-2001 08:29 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:10 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
©2024 Ironworks Gaming & ©2024 The Great Escape Studios TM - All Rights Reserved