Joke World 10-1-08

[Bungleau]

A pirate walked into a bar with a paper towel on his head.
The bartender asked, What's with the paper towel?
The pirate said, AAAR! I have a bounty on me head.

[Arvon]

[ Making the rounds of a few aviation mailing lists - ed. ]


Q: What is the difference between a duck and a co-pilot?
A: The duck can fly.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt:
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life.
Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.

The three most dangerous things in aviation (in order):
1. A doctor in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a 737 or DC-9.
3. On-board fire

Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

What do air traffic controllers and pilots have in common?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the
engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto: 'We're not happy till you're not happy.'

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter ... it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more
difficult to fly in the edges.

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th
unsuccessful landing attempt: 'You've got to land here son. This is
where the food is.'

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a
good bowel movement. A night carrier landing is an opportunity to
experience all three at the same time.

[Arvon]

An ambitious, young clerk’s responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee every morning. And, every morning, the judge became infuriated when the coffee cup was brought to him just 2/3 full.

With his back to the corner, the young clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. After weeks of yelling and insults, nothing the judge said to the young clerk produced a full cup of coffee - until he threatened to cut the clerk’s pay by 1/3 if he continued to produce 1/3 less than the judge wanted.

The following morning, the judge was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn’t resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

“Oh, there’s not much to it,” admitted the clerk happily, “I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office.”

[Bungleau]

Gamers rule....

[Arvon]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks, "What'll it be?" The guy responds, "Double Scotch." The bartender gives him a double scotch and the guy swallows it in one gulp and then proceeds to look into his shirt pocket.

The guy looks back up and says, with a look of pure discussed, "Another double please!" The bartender pours another for the man.

Once again the man swallows it in one gulp and proceeds to look into his shirt pocket. and once agian he looks back up and says, with a look of pure discussed, "Another double please!" The bartender pours another for the man.

By the fifth round with the exact same reaction from the man each time the bartender finaly asks, "Hey buddy, I will fill you shot glass all night long, but you have to tell me, What is in your pocket?"

The guy looks up at the bartender and politely says, "It's a picture of my wife. I am just waiting for her to look pretty so I can go home."

[Variol (Farseer) Elmwood]

Originally Posted by Arvon A guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks, "What'll it be?" The guy responds, "Double Scotch." The bartender gives him a double scotch and the guy swallows it in one gulp and then proceeds to look into his shirt pocket. The guy looks back up and says, with a look of pure discussed, "Another double please!" The bartender pours another for the man. Once again the man swallows it in one gulp and proceeds to look into his shirt pocket. and once agian he looks back up and says, with a look of pure discussed, "Another double please!" The bartender pours another for the man. By the fifth round with the exact same reaction from the man each time the bartender finaly asks, "Hey buddy, I will fill you shot glass all night long, but you have to to me, What is in your pocket?" The guy looks up at the bartender and politely says, "It's a picture of my wife. I am just waiting for her to look pretty so I can go home."

Something's messed up in the grammar there..

[Arvon]

Originally Posted by Variol (Farseer) Elmwood Something's messed up in the grammar there..

Fixed

[Bungleau]

Mostly... switch /discussed/disgust. Sound the same, but completely different meanings.

Still a nice punch line, though...

[Arvon]

A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

[Arvon]

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the officer.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

The Officer says, "Have a nice day."

Moral of the story: Don't mess with a woman who reads. She may also be able to think.