on the lighter side, chamber of laughter is back.....

[J.J.]

The chamber of laughter is now open, post your best belly-busters or groaners here, or just read thru, political and deep thought not allowed unless you are making fun of it

WORDS TO LIVE BY...

sometimes you are sad....and no one sees your
tears....
>
sometimes you are happy....and no one sees your
smile....
>
but the times that you fart....trust me...people smell you
--
_




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy. Nuke'm til the damn camels glow.

[250]

whats the similarity between a priest and a gay man?

the way they say:"Ahhhhhhh men!"

[ 11-14-2001: Message edited by: Ziroc ]

[DragonMage]

OK. Here's something...

I fully realize that I have not succeeded in answering all of your questions...Indeed, I feel I have not answered any of them completely. The answers I have found only serve to raise a whole new set of questions, which only lead to more problems, some of which we weren't even aware were problems.

To sum it all up...In some ways I feel we are confused as ever, but I believe we are confused on a higher level, and about more important things.

[250]

Actual Instruction Labels

- ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.

- ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

- ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.

- ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

- ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

- ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

- ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.

- ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

- ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

- ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.

- ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

- ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.

- ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

- ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.

- ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

- ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.

[250]

Revenge on the Telemarketer

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be
interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
(swallowing)

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes
thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
(Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.)
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per
day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just
interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10
cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but...
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for...
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I
begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

(I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to roduce a snort.)

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I
needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an
aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd
really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)

[J.J.]

great one 250, rotflmao

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

*She is numb from her toes down.

*The skin was moist and dry.

*Patient was alert and unresponsive.

*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.













------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy. Nuke'm til the damn camels glow.

[DragonMage]

Oh, 250! You have given me SUCH inspiration in dealing with those annoying phone calls! MUCH better than just cussing at them and telling them never to call again!

------------------

The day we stop learning is the day we start dying!(c)

*Member of the HADB clan. Mage extraordinair.
Occasional subjugate to Gwhanos the Fluffy *
(when G is behaving)
"Allright! We'll call it a draw."

[DragonMage]

ROTFLMAO!!!! Good ones, J.J.!

------------------

The day we stop learning is the day we start dying!(c)

*Member of the HADB clan. Mage extraordinair.
Occasional subjugate to Gwhanos the Fluffy *
(when G is behaving)
"Allright! We'll call it a draw."

[250]

LOL

keep posting!

[J.J.]

You know how people are always wondering
how certain phrases came into being, like
"Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes"
and "Remember the Alamo" and so on.
A lot of people asked me where the saying
"You gotta be shittin me" came from.
It so happens I know.

Way back, George Washington was crossing
the Delaware River with his troops.
They were packed into the boats.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously.
The water was tossing them back and forth.
Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.
He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could
see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and
driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth.

A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw
Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for hours
trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail.
All of them felt terrible for the Corporal had
been one their favorites.
An hour later Washington and his troops
landed on the other side, wet and
totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and
told them they must go on. An
hour later Washington and his men could
go no further. One of his men
said,"General, I see lights ahead."
They trudged towards the lights and
came upon a huge house there in the woods.
What they didn't know was this was a
house of ill repute hidden in the forest
to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door,
his men crowding around him.
The door swung open and the madam looked
out to see Washington and all his men
standing there. A huge smile came across
her face to see so many men at her door.
Washington spoke up, "Ma'am, I'm General
George Washington and these are my men.
We're tired and exhausted and desperately
need warmth and comfort for a while.

Again the Madam looked at all the men
and with a broad smile on her face said,
"Well General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort.
How many men do you have?"
Washington said " Well ma'am, there are
thirty-two of us without Peters."
Madam said,
"You gotta be shittin me !"



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy. Nuke'm til the damn camels glow.