A daily laugh !

[Vicotnik]

Who doesn't appreciate a good joke or two?

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.''
So the Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.''
The Collie says, ''That's not good enough.''
The Bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.''
She says, ''That's not creative.''
Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone......cheese mine.''

And why not another one?

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. The individual events final comes down to the Russian and the American competing for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says, “Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!” The wrestler nods in agreement.
Now, to the match: the American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.
Suddenly there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer is astounded! When he finally gets the American wrestler alone, he asks, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answers, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

Hope you like it! Maybe I'll put some more down tomorrow...

[Vicotnik]

Found this one too




A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "He's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

----
and this one

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!" she fumes.

The man ponders that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags.

"What do you think you are doing?" she screams.

"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year!" he says.

--
enjoy!

[Ladyzekke]

I guess I'll throw one into the ring:

(clears throat) - Title: Captain Bravado

Long ago there lived an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic.
Captain Bravado bellowed "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the Captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The Captain replied "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight unafraid." All of the men sat and marvelled at the courage of such a manly man's man.
As dwan came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, but TEN, pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted "Get me my brown pants!"

[Zenith]

lmao! how rude can we get? i wouldn't want to...disturb anyone!

[Vicotnik]

This one here is not for the faint of heart:
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oh, and by the way, the only ones I have told this joke to who actually laughed, were Icelanders and Germans, wonder why?
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.This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a
whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it
with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the
trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they
call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the
loch?" He continues, "AH built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the
loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they
call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye ■■■■ ONE sheep...."

[Ladyzekke]

Pretty gross there Vicotnik. You should rename yourself Vicosick! Your other jokes were good, but now you have stepped over the boundaries of taste. Sheep? Blec!! As Zenith said, I won't, eh, disturb you (runs away arms aflailin!)

[Lord of Alcohol]

Theres this sultry ewe I've had my eye on... but I digress ok this one is nasty so all have been warned-

How to you know if your roommate is gay?
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His dick tastes like SHIT!

[Ladyzekke]

Is it OK if I just go ahead and puke here?

I will forgive you this once Vicotnik, but you really don't want to see a mad spaniard chasing after you in a kilt waving a rotten haggis now do you?
On a more serious note, remember a lot of juveniles come here in the mistaken belief they might get some help!

[Moridin]

Ok I will post a 'clean' joke to settle your stomachs

A guy is sitting in a bar and another man sits down next to him.
The first guy looks at the second and says in a thick irish accent "do I know you from somewhere?"
The second guys looks over and reply's "I don't know" in an equally thick irish accent
The first guy says "Hey you are from Ireland"
"Yes" says the second guy
"I am from Ireland too" says the first
"What part of Ireland?"
"Dublind" says the second
"Me too" says the first
"Where did you attend school?" asks the first guy
"St. Patricks" says the second
"Me too" shouts the first guy "What year?"
"1969" says the second
"You've got to be kidding, I graduated 1969 too"
A man sitting at the end of the bar who has been listening in says to the bartender "what's going on down there?"
"The o'mally twins are drunk again" says the bartender
Ba..da..dum
Ok I said it was clean, not good