The real 12 days of Christmas & how to confuse Santa

[shadowhound]

DAY ONE:

Dearest Bob,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.

With deepest love and affection,

Violet


DAY TWO:

Dearest Bob,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two
turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
too adorable.

My everlasting love,

Violet


DAY THREE:

My Dear Bob,

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling,
but I must insist-you've been too, too kind.

All my love,

Violet


DAY FOUR:

Dear Bob,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE
beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too
romantic.

Love,

Violet


DAY FIVE:

Dear Bob,

What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings.
One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell
you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on
my nerves.

Affectionately,

Violet


DAY SIX:

Bob,

Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were
actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the
birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will
I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, rightfully so, and it is
impossible to sleep through this racket.

Now let this be the end of this.

Cordially,

Violet


DAY SEVEN:

Bob,

What the hell's with you and these ******* birds?!? Seven
swans-a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird ****
all over the house and they never stop with the racket.

Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very
unhappy.

Sincerely,

Violet


DAY EIGHT:

OK Pal ! !

WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW **** ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD **** ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.

JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS.


DAY NINE:

LISTEN ******** ! !

YOU'RE A SADISTIC *******! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT
YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW ****. THIS AFTER CHASING
THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE
POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBOURS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.

UP YOURS ! ! !


DAY TEN:

YOU ROTTEN ***** ! ! !

NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE *****
"LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN ******* THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG.

NOW THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS TURNED TO A RIVER OF **** ! !

THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.

I'M CALLING THE POLICE ! !

I MEAN IT. BY GOD !


DAY ELEVEN:

LISTEN ******** ! ! ! !

NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES."

THEY TOOK THOSE BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND-- AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY.

THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV.

FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE
TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU ! ! ! !

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR ******* FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!

MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN


DAY TWELVE:

LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss
Violet Monica Habershan.

The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come
to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the
Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot
you on sight!

With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Confuse Santa!

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. [img]smile.gif[/img] " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. "

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

[Dragonshadow]

*grins* Bye bye Rudolf.
Very funny, these. *LOL*

[Charlie]

Originally posted by shadowhound: DAY ONE: Dearest Bob, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Violet DAY TWO: Dearest Bob, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable. My everlasting love, Violet DAY THREE: My Dear Bob, Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling, but I must insist-you've been too, too kind. All my love, Violet DAY FOUR: Dear Bob, Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic. Love, Violet DAY FIVE: Dear Bob, What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings. One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on my nerves. Affectionately, Violet DAY SIX: Bob, Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, rightfully so, and it is impossible to sleep through this racket. Now let this be the end of this. Cordially, Violet DAY SEVEN: Bob, What the hell's with you and these ******* birds?!? Seven swans-a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird **** all over the house and they never stop with the racket. Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy. Sincerely, Violet DAY EIGHT: OK Pal ! ! WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING? JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW **** ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD **** ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET. JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS. DAY NINE: LISTEN ******** ! ! YOU'RE A SADISTIC *******! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW ****. THIS AFTER CHASING THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBOURS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME. UP YOURS ! ! ! DAY TEN: YOU ROTTEN ***** ! ! ! NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE ***** "LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN ******* THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG. NOW THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS TURNED TO A RIVER OF **** ! ! THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED. I'M CALLING THE POLICE ! ! I MEAN IT. BY GOD ! DAY ELEVEN: LISTEN ******** ! ! ! ! NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES." THEY TOOK THOSE BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND-- AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY. THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV. FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU ! ! ! ! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR ******* FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE! MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN DAY TWELVE: LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet Monica Habershan. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight! With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dunno where you got that but I saw the exact routine (word for word, I've even got it on tape) performed live by a stand up comic in London some 20 years ago. Definitely his material.

Funny as hell back then, still funny now but hilarious when performed by a skilled comic. I've even done the routine (poorly) myself when paralytic drunk.

EDIT, on closer reading that's been Americanised but it's basically an exact copy with a few bits thrown in for the US audience. Blatant plaigarism..... [img]smile.gif[/img]

[ 12-25-2003, 06:56 PM: Message edited by: Charlie ]

[shadowhound]

Originally posted by Charlie: Dunno where you got that but I saw the exact routine (word for word, I've even got it on tape) performed live by a stand up comic in London some 20 years ago. Definitely his material.

Really? I found that at Lots Of Jokes and it made no mention of him.

[Charlie]

No doubt he don't get a mention. Impossible to prevent stuff like that getting passed around, not sure you can copyright a joke per se. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Jorath Calar]

haha, an icelandic comic did a version of this... just with no swear words and it was much tamer since it was popular on daytime radio... I always thought he wrote it himself but then again Icelandic artists never come up with original material so this is not such a surprise... [img]smile.gif[/img]