Thanksgiving jokes

[HolyWarrior]

Les: It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying
something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large
banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving!...
From... W.... ... K... ... R... ... P!

Les: No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell
just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, Johnny, they're
turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to
the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through
the windshield of a parked car! Oh, the humanity! The turkeys
are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Not since
the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this!

Johnny: Les? Are you there? Les isn't there. (composing him-
self) Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les, and for those
of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just
been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

Mr Carlson: (bursting through door) As God is my witness, I
thought turkeys could fly.


------------------------------------------------------------

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique
device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.
The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's
windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the
carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird
during flight. It seems the British were very interested in
this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy
locomotive they were developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken
and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went
through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and
embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British
were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if
everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Use a thawed chicken."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian
said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this
turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my
guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must
return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what
should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to
keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his
residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that
someone had stolen his turkey.

__________________________________________________ ___________


Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling
you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming,
I've made a few small changes:

1. Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag
luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly
done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

2. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated
with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make.
Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them
track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

3. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china,
or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and
everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from
using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last
Christmas.

4. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I
promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it
is a turkey.

5. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you
while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment
I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please
remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon
discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As
accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal
drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of
tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen
turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

6. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the
start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.
We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke
alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the
spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table ...
in a separate room ... next door.

7. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in
front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at
our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private
ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances,
enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children
to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is
unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we
will eat.

8. I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that
"passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean
your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

9. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and
especially while in the presence of you diners, we will refer to the giblet
gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions
you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese
Sauce stains.

10. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice
among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional
pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will
still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably
won't come next year either. I am thankful.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6
Catholic,
12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

_______________________________


In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic
name.

For example, the trade name Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen.

Aleve is also Naproxen, Amoxil is Amoxicillin and Advil is Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that

it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud,
dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

___________________________________________


Happy Thanksgiving, y'all! ;D

[ 11-28-2003, 12:49 AM: Message edited by: HolyWarrior ]