Jokes from the Archive of Multitudes

[WOLFGIR]

Ouch, stupid me, come here and read with full stomach... ouch, LMTO!!
*ouch* hehe *ouch* hehehe *ouch* hehehe *ouchie*

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WOLF WINS EVERY FIGHT BUT ONE, AND IN THAT ONE, HE DIES

[Charean]

Classified Ad Blunders

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

[Charean]

Court Room Bloopers

Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'
by Richard Lederer

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language
spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom
reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made
during the proceedings.

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two
books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a
few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite
transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness
chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake,
tell them your first name!
************************************************** ***************
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
************************************************** **************
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
************************************************** ***************
Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!!
************************************************** ***************
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
************************************************** ***************
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
************************************************** ***************
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
************************************************** ***************
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
************************************************** ***************
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by
Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
************************************************** ***************
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
************************************************** ***************
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
************************************************** ***************
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
************************************************** ***************
Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
************************************************** ***************
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his
words.
************************************************** ***************
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
************************************************** ***************
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
************************************************** ***************
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information from your minds, if you have any.
************************************************** ***************
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
************************************************** ***************
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and
shot.
************************************************** ***************
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?What
school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
*******************************
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
************************************************** ***************
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
there was a victim?
*******************************
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
*******************************
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did
you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
put on top of my head.
*******************************
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
*******************************
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of
this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that
sonofabitch- and she did!
*******************************
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty
drunk.
*******************************
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
*******************************
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
*******************************
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
*******************************
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an
unbiased,objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the
whole ordeal?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the ordeal and the naval.
*******************************
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
************************************************
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
*******************************
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.

[Charean]

Ad Bloopers

From "American Demographics" magazine
-------------------------------------

Here is a look at how shrewd American business people translate their
slogans into foreign languages:

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in
Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read
as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a
tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a
sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they
were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f -
which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product,
only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a
whorehouse.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No Va"
means "It Does Not Go" in Spanish.

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back,
they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty
literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your
Ancestors Back from the Grave."

When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product
something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only
problem was that the characters used meant "Bite The Wax Tadpole."
They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness In The
Mouth."

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a
curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for
manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the
same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label.
Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures
on the label of what is inside since most people can not read.

[Gray Mage]

Just a little spud humor.Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>>>>>>>>>>>>> It's the one with the sticker that says IDAHO



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Feel My Power

Arcane Adept of the OHF, "So let it be written, So let it be done"

[Charean]

Originally posted by Gray Mage: Just a little spud humor.Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute? > > > > > > > > >>>>>>>>>>>>> It's the one with the sticker that says IDAHO

This is such a groaner, but it tickes me!


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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....
Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex