vicotnik's original (mostly) chamber of laughter-join in,pls

[J.J.]

New IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the
tax
returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi,
asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings from the
Shabbat,Havdallah and Chanukah candles.

The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste,
responded
that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they
send
the Temple new candles.

What about the crumbs from the matzoh you eat at Passover? Asked the IRS
auditor.

Simple, the Rabbi responded. We collect all the crumbs, send them to the
matzoh bakery and they send us matzoh meal.

All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you're a
moyel
as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the
circumcisions?

Easy, said the Rabbi. We send them to Washington, DC and they send us
little
pricks like you.




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[Charean]

Common Forms of Office Illness

1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24 Hour Virus.

3. The Friday Afternoon Start The Weekend Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take but I Want To Stay On the Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To the Office Disease.

6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.

8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.

9. The I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.


------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny.
The Upanishads

[Charean]

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it.

[J.J.]

SORRY! Mea Culpa, for those recent members who did not know about Vicotnik's original chamber of laughter. He started the original joke thread on this newer version of the board, after the demise of Big Blue *sniff*
All joke and funny story contributions are welcome, but puh-leeze, leave out the just plain stupidly gross/explicitly sexual stuff. We all know the best jokes have little or none of it.
Thenk yew veddy muchas

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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

hey charean, howrya doin'? how is the road treating you, and is it taking you anywhere near montana? glad to see you hear, (hear, hear, ) from the cute little green thingys in your name, you are getting back alot more than lil' ol me. keep the jokes handy, i promise (not saying how soon!) to post the article from the local paper about the guy who died by drowning the week of the 4th of july, ON HIS SNOWMOBILE IN A LAKE! just out of white sulpher springs, mt, at a lake/campground. rode his snowmachine across the lake, TURNED AROUND, and got to within 50 FEET of the shore before gravity overcame momentum, so to speak , and died in 15 ft of water because no one could swim and he had no preserver/float on. I don't know if he qualifies for the Darwin Awards, because the article said he was survived by a wife and four children (adults, he was, like, 46yrs old), which means he was not technically speaking, that is, dead before he could reproduce. whaddya think? ROTFLMAO, I kept the paper just for this! c u all again, sooner or later
just JJ

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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[Charean]

During a hectic night of mail processing at the post office, a number of letters fell off an elevated conveyor belt and scattered onto the floor. Before the area supervisor had a chance to pick them up, the facility manager, who had a reputation for being stern, came upon the scene.

"Why is this mail on the floor?" he demanded angrily.

Without hesitation the supervisor replied, "Gravity, sir."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A famous actor`s son was asked to write a composition in school on the topic of "poor people." The child wrote, "Once there was a poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The children were poor. The butler was poor. The maid was poor. The chauffeur was poor..........."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."




------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny.
The Upanishads

[Charean]

Originally posted by J.J.: hey charean, howrya doin'? how is the road treating you, and is it taking you anywhere near montana? glad to see you hear, (hear, hear, ) from the cute little green thingys in your name, you are getting back alot more than lil' ol me. keep the jokes handy, i promise (not saying how soon!) to post the article from the local paper about the guy who died by drowning the week of the 4th of july, ON HIS SNOWMOBILE IN A LAKE! just out of white sulpher springs, mt, at a lake/campground. rode his snowmachine across the lake, TURNED AROUND, and got to within 50 FEET of the shore before gravity overcame momentum, so to speak , and died in 15 ft of water because no one could swim and he had no preserver/float on. I don't know if he qualifies for the Darwin Awards, because the article said he was survived by a wife and four children (adults, he was, like, 46yrs old), which means he was not technically speaking, that is, dead before he could reproduce. whaddya think? ROTFLMAO, I kept the paper just for this! c u all again, sooner or later just JJ

Heya!! Just doing my thing!! I will probably get through Montana - can email you from my phone when I know Things are going really well and I am having an absolute blast seeing the country and meeting new folks all the time!

That guy with the snowmobile?!?! Where do these folks leave their brains, anyway? It is an astonishment that he could walk and talk at the same time! That definitely sounds like a keeper!

Hope you are doing well and that your daughter is healthy and happy!!



------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny.
The Upanishads

[Jak_TCM]

A man bursts in the door at home and shouts out,
"Honey, I just just won the lottery!! Quick pack your bags!"
"What should I pack for, skiing or sunbathing??" The woman shouts back.
"I don't care!" replies the man "Just pack your bags and get the hell out!"

------------------
Jak
Jak_TCM@Hotmail.com

[Vicotnik]

Ohh, a dilemma! Two joke threads! Good job JJ let's see if we can keep 'em both going!

---
George Costanza: 10 commandments for ‘working hard’

1. Never walk without a document in your hands

People with documents in their hands look like
hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in
their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper
in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you
carry loads of stuff home with you at
night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you
do.

2. Use computers to look busy

Any time you use a computer, it looks like
"work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal
e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely
related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the
proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not
bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to
use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk

Top management can get away with a clean desk.
For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge
piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's
work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile
them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle,
bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for
it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail

Never
answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because
they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want
YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls
through voice mail. If somebody
leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond
during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're
hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed

According to George Costanza, one should also
always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that
you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late

Always
leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read
magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until
late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your
way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.)
and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect

Sigh loudly when there are many people around,
giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the
table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the
best).

9. Build Vocabulary

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all
the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in
conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you
say, but you sure sound impressive.

10. MOST IMPORTANT:

DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!


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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman

Two French men and one French woman

Two German men and one German woman

Two Greek men and one Greek woman

Two English men and one English woman

Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

Two American men and one American woman

Two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later on these stunning islands, the following things have occurred:

1. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman

2. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois

3. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman

4. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them

5. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman

6. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming

7. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions

8. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store

9. The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her more than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving

10. The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey--but they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun!!!


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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.