Vicotnik's chamber of laughter

[Vicotnik]

Wow! Real good work JJ! I'm gonna dig one or two up right away!
Hang on a minute!

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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

Two guys were hunting and got separated. Joe decided to take a dump, and after hanging his ass over a log, he soon fell a sleep.

Meanwhile, his buddy shot a deer. While dragging it back to his rig, he noticed his buddy asleep on the log. As a prank, he gutted the deer and placed the pile of guts under his friend's ass. After returning to the truck, he, too, was tired and took a nap.

A couple hours later, he awoke to see Joe trundling across the field. "What the hell's wrong with you Joe? Looks like you seen a ghost!"

"Well, I hung my ass over a log to take a dump and while I was a sleep I must have shit my guts out. If it wasn't for the grace of God and a greasy stick, I would never have gotten 'em back in."


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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others."
-------------

And a bit naugtier:
.
.
.
.
.
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

hihi!

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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Charean]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun
game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will
pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the
lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone
with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and
coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Laughter can be a Mighty Weapon - when wielded with pizazz and accuracy! What Ho!!

Subject: Hailstones

> >> Subject: Blond Hail Stones
> >> A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly
found
> >> herself in the middle of a really bad hailstorm. The hailstones
were as
> >big
> >> as golf balls and her car gets dented up really bad. The next day
she
> >takes
> >> it in to a repair shop to have the dents looked at.
> >>
> >> The repair guy noticing that she is blonde and quite dingy when she
> >speaks,
> >> decides to have some fun and tells her to blow into the tail pipe
of
the
> >car
> >> really hard when she gets home, and that doing this will cause all
of
the
> >> dents to pop out.
> >>
> >> When she gets home she starts blowing into the tail pipe as hard as
she
> >can,
> >> over and over. Just then, her best friend who also is blonde shows
up.
> Her
> >> friend sees her blowing into the tail pipe and is quite startled by
the
> >> action. She blurts out all flippantly, "What are you doing?"
> >>
> >> She tells her the repair guy told her to blow into the tail pipe
real
> hard
> >> and the dents would pop out.
> >>
> >> Her girlfriend says "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"




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When given a choice, take both.

[KDogRex]

THIS chain letter I don't mind passing along...

For all of you that like to, or feel you have to pass along email chain
letters, this
is for you!

1. Big companies don't do business via chain letters and there are no
computer programs that track how many times an e-mail is forwarded, let
alone by whom. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not
giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class
action checks.


2. Proctor and Gamble is not part of a satanic cult or scheme, and its
logo is not satanic.


3. MTV will not give you backstage passes if you forward something to the
most people.


4. The Gap is not giving away free clothes. You can relax; there is no
need to pass it on "just in case it's true,"


5. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a
bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to
their cousin. If you are bent on believing the kidney theft ring
stories, see:http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm And I

quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for
actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories."
None have. That's 'none" as in "zero." Not even your friend's cousin.


6. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if
they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at:
http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe,
decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.


7. If the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went
to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this
information would reach the public via an AOL chain letter?


8. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever
forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm
that an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with viruses.

Try: http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html And even then, don't
forward it. We don't care. And you cannot get a virus from a flashing IM
or email, you have to download it....ya know, like, a FILE!


9. There is no gang initiation plot to murder any motorist who flashes
headlights at another car driving at night without lights.


11. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from

a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers
showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. (Think Cut

and Paste) It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">>>.." that begin
each line either. Besides, if it has gone around that many times we've
probably already seen it.


12. Craig Shergold (or Sherwood, or Sherman, etc.) in England is not dying

of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop
sending him their business cards. He apparently is no longer a "little
boy" either.


13. The American Cancer Society does not give 3 cents for each person you
forward e-mail
to. They ask for you to donate money, money, they don't give it, as if
they
could know how many e-mails you sent out...sheesh.


14. If you are one of those who forwards anything that
"promises" something bad will happen if you "don't,"-then something bad
will happen to you if I (who ever wrote this message?) ever meet you in a
dark alley.


15. Women really are suffering in Afghanistan, but forwarding an e-mail
won't help their cause in the least. If you want to help, contact your
local legislative representative, or get in touch with Amnesty
International or the Red Cross.


16. As a general rule, e-mail "signatures" are easily faked and mean
nothing to anyone with any power to do anything about whatever the
competition is complaining about.


17. KFC really does use real Chickens with feathers and beaks and feet.
No, they really do. Why did they change their name? In this health
conscious
world, what was KFC's name? Kentucky FRIED Chicken. FRIED is not healthy.
So with the help of a focus group, they changed the name to KFC. It's
short, doesn't offend dieters and it's easy to remember.


18. Another thing, just because someone said in a message, four
generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit," does not
actually
make it true.


PS: There is no bill pending before Congress that will allow long distance

companies to charge you for using the Internet. Bottom Line... composing
e-mail or posting something on the Net is as easy as writing on the walls
of a public rest room.


Don't automatically believe it until it's proven false...ASSUME it's
false, unless there is proof that it's true.


Now copy, paste, and send this to everyone you know, or the program I just

put on your hard drive while you read this E-mail will open up your CD-ROM

and reach out and slap you upside the head.

------------------
-Resident Corset Loosener and Bard of the OHF

THANK YOU KDOG.

------------------
When given a choice, take both.

Lookin' for a joke here, folks...

------------------
When given a choice, take both.

[Vicotnik]

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was
printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine,
poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.


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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lawyer, who was talking to his son about entering college, said, "Now got into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?"

"Well, dad," answered the son, "did you ever hear anybody get up in a croud and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?' "



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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.