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Old 07-11-2002, 10:55 PM   #1
John D Harris
Ninja Storm Shadow
 

Join Date: March 27, 2001
Location: Northport,Alabama, USA
Age: 62
Posts: 3,577
Governmentium

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium."

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as: "Critical Morass."

You will know it when you see it.

*********

Now Here at Last: The Lost Chapter of Genesis:

God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she will wash them for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and always be affectionate."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

*******

These didn't make the Hallmark Cut

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

4. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

5. Looking back over the years that we've been
together, I can't help but wonder?
What the hell was I thinking?

6. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

7. How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?

8. I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love. After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.

9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

11. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ... would you like to take this knife
out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

12. Someday I hope to get married ..
but not to you.

13. Happy birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

14. When we were together, you always
said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

15. We have been friends for a very long time...
what say we stop?

16. I'm so miserable without you ...
it's almost like you're here.

17. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

18. Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep

19. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)

**********

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds, and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do these suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the suburbanites happy.
FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
FRANCIS: No Lord. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
FRANCIS: Yes, Lord.
GOD: These suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber,' Lord. It's a real stupid movie
about....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from Francis
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Old 07-11-2002, 11:14 PM   #2
Hayashi
Silver Dragon
 

Join Date: March 25, 2001
Location: The Lion City
Age: 62
Posts: 1,699
Lol, John
Good for a chuckle, as always. [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]
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Old 07-11-2002, 11:52 PM   #3
dizzy
Mephistopheles
 

Join Date: January 18, 2002
Location: Baumholder Germany
Age: 39
Posts: 1,434
Hehehe, very enjoyable
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Old 07-12-2002, 12:06 AM   #4
Lioness
Jack Burton
 

Join Date: June 3, 2001
Location: Among the Stars
Age: 36
Posts: 5,837
LOL! Love the Hallmark quips.
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Old 07-12-2002, 11:43 AM   #5
MagiK
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Gotta love it [img]smile.gif[/img]
 
 


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