Stuff and such

[John D Harris]

36 Things You Will Never Hear
a REDNECK Say...

1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"

2. "Duct tape won't fix that."

3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."

4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."

5. "You can't feed that to the dog."

6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."

7. "No kids in the back of the pickup...
it's not safe."

8. "Professional wrasslin's fake."

9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to
Greenpeace?"

10. "We're vegetarians."

11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"

12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits
and gravy."

13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."

14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."

15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."

16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."

17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."

18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart
today."

19. "Trim the fat off that steak."

20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."

21. "The tires on that truck are too big."

22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."

23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."

24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."

25. "Would you like your fish poached or
broiled?"

26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."

27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super
Bowl."

28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."

29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"

30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that
we haven't seen."

31. "I don't have a favorite college football
team."

32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the
side."

33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too
long."

34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer,
Darla."

35. "Elvis who?"

36. "Checkmate."

***********************
You have to pick one...
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you
pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only be one passenger in your car?
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of
a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is goingto
die, and thus you should save her first .
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and
this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you maynever
be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. Iwould
stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
However, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out
of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop,
then drive off with the old friend for some beers.
*************
Subject: No Whiskey


A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Oklahoma. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked
for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen woman
than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
**********
Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."

The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said , "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."
**************
If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, why would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?

[SomeGuy]

LOL I loved those! Nice ones.

[Davros]

Hiya JD - thanks for the chuckles, I loved the redneck ones [img]smile.gif[/img]