01-19-2002, 12:32 AM | #1 |
Ninja Storm Shadow
Join Date: March 27, 2001
Location: Northport,Alabama, USA
Age: 62
Posts: 3,577
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To: All Employees
Subject: New Policies SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: his is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence. YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an approved excuse. However, we do require at least 2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Therefore, in the future all employees will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10; employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20; and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with another coworker. However, both employee supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks. Example: Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax: 244.40 Outcome tax: 45.21 State tax: 11.61 Interstate tax: 61.10 County tax: 6.11 City tax: 12.22 Rural tax: 4.44 Back tax: 1.11 Front tax: 1.16 Side tax: 1.61 Up tax: 2.22 Tic-tacs: 1.98 Thumbtacks: 3.93 Carpet tacks: .98 Stadium tax: .69 Flat tax: 8.32 Surtax: 3.46 Corporate tax: 2.60 Parking fee: 5.00 FICA: 81.88 TGIF fund: 9.95 Life insurance: 5.85 Health insurance: 16.23 Dental insurance: 4.50 Mental insurance: 4.33 Reassurance: .11 Disability: 2.50 Ability: .25 Liability: 3.41 Unreliability: 10.99 Coffee: 6.85 Coffee cups: 66.51 Floor rental: 6.85 Chair rental: .32 Desk rental: 4.32 Union dues: 5.85 Union don'ts: 3.77 Cash advance: .69 Cash retreats: 121.35 Overtime: 1.26 Undertime: 54.83 Eastern time: 9.00 Central time: 8.00 Mountain time: 7.00 Pacific time: 6.00 Oxygen: 10.02 Water: 16.54 Heat: 51.42 Cool air: 26.83 Hot air: 20.00 Miscellaneous: 113.29 Various: 8.01 ============== Net Pay: $0.12 Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. [ 01-19-2002: Message edited by: John D Harris ]
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Crustiest of the OLD COOTS "Donating mirrors for years to help the Liberal/Socialist find their collective rear-ends, because both hands doesn't seem to be working. Veitnam 61-65:KIA 1864 66:KIA 5008 67:KIA 9378 68:KIA 14594 69:KIA 9414 70:KIA 4221 71:KIA 1380 72:KIA 300 Afghanistan2001-2008 KIA 585 2009-2012 KIA 1465 and counting Davros 1 Much abliged Massachusetts |
01-19-2002, 12:38 AM | #2 |
Manshoon
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Ireland
Age: 46
Posts: 201
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"ROTFLMFAO" cheers john, thas perked up my night (morning now actualy) hillarious!!!!
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\"He looked right through me, with soniforous almond eyes, don\'t even know what that means, must remember to write it down\" |
01-19-2002, 12:44 AM | #3 |
Symbol of Cyric
Join Date: November 10, 2001
Location: Yokosuka Japan
Age: 38
Posts: 1,168
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quote: I'm right there laughing with you. That was very very funny!
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The height of narcissism |
01-19-2002, 12:47 AM | #4 |
Drow Warrior
Join Date: June 21, 2001
Location: the not to distant future,
Posts: 250
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Actually that sounds (kinda) like what has happened to me! Our sick, vacation and bad weather days have all been rolled into one now called personal time. We get 12 days a year and if you miss more
than that you don't get paid for the days you miss work! Stupid economy!
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01-19-2002, 05:02 AM | #5 |
Avatar
Join Date: June 3, 2001
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Age: 64
Posts: 569
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quote: Thats downright mean !! What is your job ?? Pang. |
01-19-2002, 06:42 AM | #6 |
White Dragon
Join Date: October 19, 2001
Location: York, UK.
Age: 41
Posts: 1,815
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I'm with Khan - the paycheck especially sounded very familiar!
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[img]\"http://img1.ranchoweb.com/images/sproutman/certwist.gif\" alt=\" - \" /><br /><br /><i>\"And the angels all pallid and wan,<br />Uprising, unveiling, affirm,<br />That the play is the tragedy, man,<br />And its hero the Conquerer Worm.\"</i><br /> - Edgar Allan Poe |
01-21-2002, 07:47 PM | #7 |
Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice
Join Date: March 2, 2001
Location: Birmingham, Alabama, USA
Age: 70
Posts: 3,255
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Sounds like a place where I worked once where someone was criticized for taking time off when their father died. I am serious. It happened.
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01-22-2002, 12:10 AM | #8 |
Red Dragon
Join Date: December 5, 2001
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Age: 38
Posts: 1,557
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That is funny, just its also sad that sometimes it is true!
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01-22-2002, 02:35 AM | #9 |
Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice
Join Date: January 9, 2002
Location: Mt. Gambier, Australia
Age: 36
Posts: 3,337
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Well i seriously hope that no1 only gets .12c thats redicuolous [img]graemlins/nono.gif[/img]
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