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Old 05-02-2001, 08:02 AM   #21
Bleys
Dungeon Master
 

Join Date: March 14, 2001
Location: Oxford, UK
Posts: 97
WARNING SIGNS

On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

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Old 05-02-2001, 08:13 AM   #22
Drake
Baaz Draconian
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: ?
Age: 35
Posts: 729
LOL all too funny LOL

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Drake A.K.A. bocaj
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Old 05-02-2001, 08:24 AM   #23
Charlie
Lord Ao
 

Join Date: March 3, 2001
Location: London, England
Age: 25
Posts: 2,021
Where did you find that out of interest Bleys?

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One love, peace.
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Old 05-02-2001, 08:48 AM   #24
Vaskez
Takhisis Follower
 

Join Date: April 30, 2001
Location: szép Magyarország (well not right now)
Posts: 5,089
2 cops are chatting:
- Hey guess what mate, I'm gonna be in the Guiness book of records!
- How come?
- I got a jigsaw puzzle and it said 2-6 years on the box. But I managed to do it in 1!
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Old 05-02-2001, 08:51 AM   #25
Vaskez
Takhisis Follower
 

Join Date: April 30, 2001
Location: szép Magyarország (well not right now)
Posts: 5,089
Pedestrian goes up to cop to ask the time:
- Please officer, could u tell me what time it is?
- Of course I've got it written down here. It's 8 o' clock.
- Thank you, but please tell me, what do you say when it's not 8 o' clock?
- I say that I don't know what time it is.
- Aha. So how do you know whether it's 8 o' clock or not?
- Well, I got it written down here!
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Old 05-02-2001, 08:55 AM   #26
Bleys
Dungeon Master
 

Join Date: March 14, 2001
Location: Oxford, UK
Posts: 97
I found the last one living in my spam folder.
Here another one.

A Political Bedtime Story

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.

Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People.

"We'll consider the nanny as the Working Class," he went on. And your baby
brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it
makes sense."

So the little boy goes to bed thinking about what dad has said. Later that
night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy
goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting
to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he
peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives
up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in Deep Shit."
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Old 05-02-2001, 08:58 AM   #27
Vaskez
Takhisis Follower
 

Join Date: April 30, 2001
Location: szép Magyarország (well not right now)
Posts: 5,089
A cop sees a gypsy and his son cycling along on the street. They're carrying big, bulging sacks on their handlebars. The cop stops them immediately.
- What's in the bag?!
- Nothing, just some compost for our garden.
- Don't lie u gypsy, empty that bag!
The Gypsy pours the contents of the bag out in front of the policeman. The cop pokes around in the compost but finds nothing. Then he asks the boy:
- What's in your bag, son?
- Nothing, just black earth. -Says the kid, a little anxiously.
The cop pours out the earth but finds nothing. Furiously, he lets them go. A little while later the father proclaims proudly:
- There, you see son? That's how to steal a bicycle.

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Old 05-02-2001, 09:46 AM   #28
Bleys
Dungeon Master
 

Join Date: March 14, 2001
Location: Oxford, UK
Posts: 97
A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to
Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without
trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two
systems, the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound
turned off.
But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with
several other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2.0 and Playboy
6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0
has many Bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down
completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend
2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems
detected each other the caused severe damage to all his hardware.
Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his
dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However,
whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled
with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000.
But imagine my friend's disappointment though on discovering that
Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain. Any mistakes he makes are
automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard drive and cannot be deleted. They
then re-surface months later.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn
Filter. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no
option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault
himself.The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop
browser Pro for new attachments Hairstyle Express needs to be
reinstalled every week. It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he
wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation.
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or
runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called
Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted
to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0
detects the presence of mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before
un-installing itself.
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Old 05-02-2001, 10:22 AM   #29
caleb
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
 

Join Date: April 10, 2001
Location: Tacoma, WA, U.S.A.
Age: 34
Posts: 2,615
Me chinese me play joke me......no youve heard that one im sure. 3 women on a business trip walk in to a hotel and ask for rooms. The clerk tells them that there are 5 floors and each one has a different theme so the women look at the sign on the first floor and it says "Dumb, Poor, short dicked men" so they go to the second floor and the sign says "Dumb, Poor, big dicked men" still not satisfied they go to the third floor where the sign says "Dumb, Rich, short dicked men" still not satisfied they go to the fourth floor where the sign says "Intelligent, Rich, big dicked men" they are thinking this is good but the fifth floor must be even better so they rush eagerly up the stairs and they arrive at a empty hallway with a sign that says "This floor is for the sole purpose of showing that even if a woman has everything she still is not satisfied."

------------------
I am ken BOW TO ME!
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Old 05-02-2001, 10:31 AM   #30
Charlie
Lord Ao
 

Join Date: March 3, 2001
Location: London, England
Age: 25
Posts: 2,021
ROTFLMAO Caleb......spot on (no offence girls.)

------------------
One love, peace.
Charlie is offline  
 


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