Humdingers - real life gone silly! Rated -Mature- - Page 3

Stealthy · 03-19-2001, 08:28 PM

Charean, I missed your arrival, but welcome. After all these stories, please send me your photo for the album, as there are a lot of members here dying to see how you keep distracting all these men

You can visit the site and join if you wish to post it yourself. The links below.

------------------

Never accept an invitation from Wolfgir to a BBQ!
Click here for the album site.

[This message has been edited by Stealthy (edited 03-19-2001).]

Ladyzekke · 03-19-2001, 08:33 PM

Charean - HAHA! That was some distraction! Funny! Boy you're full of great stories aren't you? Love it!

So when you are talking on the CB day to day, aren't there times and places wherein you don't know anybody (on the CB)? Tell us how you initiated those new CB conversations, eh?

------------------

Stealthy · 03-19-2001, 08:37 PM

OOPs try the link this time, I hope!

------------------

Never accept an invitation from Wolfgir to a BBQ!
Click here for the album site.

bilqis · 03-19-2001, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by KDogRex:
She unsnaps her seat belt and says "Whatever you do, don't get into an accident and keep your eyes open!" and without warning drops her head into my lap!!

I think you can see where it went from there, so I'll not get into detail here, but that was absolutely the wildest experience I've ever had on the road!!!

Yah.. but... did you forgive her???

----------------------
Charean: What great stories!! You can keep on telling them.. they are truly worth the read. Have you ever thought of writing them up and publishing them?

I'll have to think for awhile and see if I can come up with a real-life humdinger too.... one that won't have me so mortified that I never come back after telling it!

------------------

Take risks: If you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise. (new member of TLH)

KDogRex · 03-19-2001, 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by bilqis:
Yah.. but... did you forgive her???

HA! Forgive her? I forgot that I was even upset!!!

------------------
-Resident Corset Loosener of the OHF

Charean · 03-19-2001, 09:11 PM

These were too good not to post:

The following excerpts were taken from the book, "What's the Number for 911?"
by New York Times Bestselling author, Leland Gregory.
__________________________

Caller: "I'd like to make a unanimous complaint, so don't use my name."

Caller: "Could you send the police to my house?"
Call-taker: "What's wrong there?"
Caller: "I called and someone answered the phone, but I'm not there."

Caller: "I'm reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it."
Call-taker: "Is the deer alive?"
Caller: "Oh, no, it's run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and - OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!"

Caller: "Am I talking to a real person, or this a recording?"

Caller: "We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough)."

Caller: "Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?"

Caller: (irate) "That's 'W' as in Williams and 'Y' as in why."

Caller (on realizing the police are on the way):
"Get the keg outta here, dude!"

Caller: "He's not breathing!"
Call-taker: "Can you get the phone close to him?
Caller: "WHY? You want to hear he's not breathing, too?"

Call-taker: "Does she have any weapons?"
Caller: "Well, she has real long finger nails."
Call-taker: "We'll need a description of him."
Caller: "He's a lawyer."

Caller: "No, she just didn't fall ... I helped her!"

Complaint about a stolen mailbox:
Call-taker: "What is your address?" Caller: "It's gone."

Nurse: "This is Room 314D - that's 'D' as in dead."

Caller: "I'm scared, I just got a Ouija board for my birthday, and now there's writing on my wall and I can't get it off ... this
thing is going back to K-Mart first thing in the morning!

------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Laughter can be a Mighty Weapon - when wielded with pizazz and accuracy! What Ho!!

bilqis · 03-19-2001, 09:21 PM

ROFL! Good one Cherean!
I just received one over the email that I just have to share! Not a true one, but I find it to be funny!

----------------------------------
"A Woman's Dream"

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when a tall, exceptionally handsome and extremely sexy young
man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand.
She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said...
"Clean my house."

------------------

Take risks: If you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise. (new member of TLH)

Charean · 03-20-2001, 04:40 PM

Another true story, and this is Awful!

(Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas)

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges, (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

# 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
your driveway with it. Took two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Shit! Keep this away from the children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills to save me the run.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can't focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Very Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Thank God! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. Have decided to stop breathing, too painful, not getting any oxygen anyway.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: Judge Number 3 is unable to respond.

------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Laughter can be a Mighty Weapon - when wielded with pizazz and accuracy! What Ho!!

Moiraine · 03-20-2001, 05:08 PM

KDog, LOL ! Now I know what to offer to my husband for his birthday tomorrow ...

... especially with these twisted roads surrounding cliffs here ...

------------------

Charean · 03-20-2001, 09:59 PM

Oh, this is one that I will never forget...

Morning rush hour in the middle of Chicago - my co-driver (a newbie out of school) was driving and stopped on an entrance ramp...

I look over at him and notice that the stick shift is laying across his feet....

Gadzooks! The bloody stick broke and we are not able to move!

I get on the satellite communications computer that we have in the truck and email dispatch and tell them our transmission is not going to work right now. They call and send a truck - got there in about 20 minutes (traffic backing up like you would Not Believe) - the mechanic threw a screwdriver in the transmission and found 2nd gear (in a car that would be the equivelent of FIRST) and we drove in 2nd gear about one mile to the shop to get the truck fixed...

Man, I have never looked at Chicago ramps the same way since...

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03-19-2001, 08:28 PM	#21
Stealthy Avatar Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: Dundee in Bonnie Scotland Posts: 543	Charean, I missed your arrival, but welcome. After all these stories, please send me your photo for the album, as there are a lot of members here dying to see how you keep distracting all these men You can visit the site and join if you wish to post it yourself. The links below. ------------------ Never accept an invitation from Wolfgir to a BBQ! Click here for the album site. [This message has been edited by Stealthy (edited 03-19-2001).]

03-19-2001, 08:33 PM	#22
Ladyzekke Ironworks Atomic Moderator Join Date: January 7, 2001 Location: Virginia, U.S.A. Age: 57 Posts: 9,005	Charean - HAHA! That was some distraction! Funny! Boy you're full of great stories aren't you? Love it! So when you are talking on the CB day to day, aren't there times and places wherein you don't know anybody (on the CB)? Tell us how you initiated those new CB conversations, eh? ------------------

03-19-2001, 08:37 PM	#23
Stealthy Avatar Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: Dundee in Bonnie Scotland Posts: 543	OOPs try the link this time, I hope! ------------------ Never accept an invitation from Wolfgir to a BBQ! Click here for the album site.

03-19-2001, 09:11 PM	#26
Charean Hathor Join Date: March 6, 2001 Location: Waxahachie, TX Age: 60 Posts: 2,201	These were too good not to post: The following excerpts were taken from the book, "What's the Number for 911?" by New York Times Bestselling author, Leland Gregory. __________________________ Caller: "I'd like to make a unanimous complaint, so don't use my name." Caller: "Could you send the police to my house?" Call-taker: "What's wrong there?" Caller: "I called and someone answered the phone, but I'm not there." Caller: "I'm reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it." Call-taker: "Is the deer alive?" Caller: "Oh, no, it's run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and - OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!" Caller: "Am I talking to a real person, or this a recording?" Caller: "We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough)." Caller: "Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?" Caller: (irate) "That's 'W' as in Williams and 'Y' as in why." Caller (on realizing the police are on the way): "Get the keg outta here, dude!" Caller: "He's not breathing!" Call-taker: "Can you get the phone close to him? Caller: "WHY? You want to hear he's not breathing, too?" Call-taker: "Does she have any weapons?" Caller: "Well, she has real long finger nails." Call-taker: "We'll need a description of him." Caller: "He's a lawyer." Caller: "No, she just didn't fall ... I helped her!" Complaint about a stolen mailbox: Call-taker: "What is your address?" Caller: "It's gone." Nurse: "This is Room 314D - that's 'D' as in dead." Caller: "I'm scared, I just got a Ouija board for my birthday, and now there's writing on my wall and I can't get it off ... this thing is going back to K-Mart first thing in the morning! ------------------ Defender for the Light - Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches? Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas Laughter can be a Mighty Weapon - when wielded with pizazz and accuracy! What Ho!!

03-19-2001, 09:21 PM	#27
bilqis Symbol of Cyric Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: WA, USA Age: 67 Posts: 1,328	ROFL! Good one Cherean! I just received one over the email that I just have to share! Not a true one, but I find it to be funny! ---------------------------------- "A Woman's Dream" A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when a tall, exceptionally handsome and extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said... "Clean my house." ------------------ Take risks: If you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise. (new member of TLH)

03-20-2001, 04:40 PM	#28
Charean Hathor Join Date: March 6, 2001 Location: Waxahachie, TX Age: 60 Posts: 2,201	Another true story, and this is Awful! (Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas) Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges, (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Shit! Keep this away from the children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills to save me the run. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can't focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Very Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Thank God! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. Have decided to stop breathing, too painful, not getting any oxygen anyway. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. FRANK: Judge Number 3 is unable to respond. ------------------ Defender for the Light - Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches? Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas Laughter can be a Mighty Weapon - when wielded with pizazz and accuracy! What Ho!!

03-20-2001, 05:08 PM	#29
Moiraine Anubis Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: Up in the Freedomland Alps Age: 59 Posts: 2,474	KDog, LOL ! Now I know what to offer to my husband for his birthday tomorrow ... ... especially with these twisted roads surrounding cliffs here ... ------------------

03-20-2001, 09:59 PM	#30
Charean Hathor Join Date: March 6, 2001 Location: Waxahachie, TX Age: 60 Posts: 2,201	Oh, this is one that I will never forget... Morning rush hour in the middle of Chicago - my co-driver (a newbie out of school) was driving and stopped on an entrance ramp... I look over at him and notice that the stick shift is laying across his feet.... Gadzooks! The bloody stick broke and we are not able to move! I get on the satellite communications computer that we have in the truck and email dispatch and tell them our transmission is not going to work right now. They call and send a truck - got there in about 20 minutes (traffic backing up like you would Not Believe) - the mechanic threw a screwdriver in the transmission and found 2nd gear (in a car that would be the equivelent of FIRST) and we drove in 2nd gear about one mile to the shop to get the truck fixed... Man, I have never looked at Chicago ramps the same way since...

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