JJ (and Vicotnik) invite you in 4 laughs-PG13-G

[RudeDawg]

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sick.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Blackbean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the blackbeans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. barmaid is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really angers me that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Damn those Texans!

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)


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The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes

[RudeDawg]

A doctor, an engineer and an attorney were discussing which of them belonged to the oldest of the three professions they represented.

The doctor said, "On the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam and created Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "Ah, but before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, thus making Him the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

"Yes," the lawyer said, "but just who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"



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The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes

Dave gets a parrot for his birthday. It has a bad attitude and a worse
vocabulary. Every other word is a swear. Dave tries to change the bird's
behaviour with polite words, soft music-but nothing works. Out of
desperation, he throws the bird in the freezer. It squawks, kicks, screams,
then falls silent. Dave, worried, swings the freezer door open. The parrot
calmly steps out. "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language
and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behaviour."
Dave is astonished at the change in the bird's attitude and is about to ask
what caused it when the parrot continues, "May I ask what the chicken did?"


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana.
The fire department from the nearby town was called to
put the fire out.

The fire proved to be more than the small town fire
department could handle, so someone suggested that
a rural volunteer fire department be called.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated
old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire
and stopped right in the middle of the flames. The
volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically
started spraying water in all directions...

Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, dividing
the flames into two easily controllable parts.

Now the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire
department's work and so grateful that his farm and crops
had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire
department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain
what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first
thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that
stupid fire truck."


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

FOR WOMEN ON HIGH STRESS DAYS:

1. You - Off my planet.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny-faced opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30
years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you
weren't asleep.
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. You say I'm a b*&@! like it's a bad thing
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.
20. Earth is full. Go home.
21. Is it time for your medication or mine?
22. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

Jack, a lawyer, lies dying with his partner of 40 years by his
bedside. "Mike, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with
your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter.
On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a
decade."

"Relax," says Mike, "and don't think another thing about it.
I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

-------------------------------------------------------------
FUNNY THOUGHTS:
"The colonel's dead but we still enjoy his delicious chicken!"
- Mrs. Elsinore
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

> >Read all of it before you begin to wonder about me : )
> >
> >
> >A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her
> >girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young
> >man entered.
> >
> >He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from
> >him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly
> >toward
> >her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring,
> >
> >theyoung man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you
> >want
> >me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."
> >
> >Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man
> >replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
> >words."
> >The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her
> >purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the
> >young
> >man's hand along with her address.
> >
> >She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >"Clean my house"
> >


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

> Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want
> the men to make two lines. One line for the men that ruled their women
> on earth and the other line for the men that were ruled by their women.
> Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
>
> With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone
> and there are two lines. The line of the men that were ruled by their
> women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men that ruled their
> women, there was only one man.
>
> God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
> created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at
> the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
> Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
>
> And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
>


------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his
office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very
serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't
do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him
a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a
good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner,
prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him
with chores. Don't discuss your stress; this will probably
make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be
intimate with your husband every day of the week. If you can
do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the
doctor say to you?"

"You're going to die."

-------------------------------------------------------------
FUNNY THOUGHTS:
"It's a good deed to forget a poor joke." - Brendan Bracken
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

If you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?


------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)

>> UN:
>> A world survey recently conducted by the UN posed
>> the following question:
>> "Could you please give us your opinion about the
>> food shortage in the rest of the world?"
>>
>> This was a huge failure due to the following reasons:
>>
>> In Africa, no one knows what "food" is.
>> In Western Europe, no one knows what "shortage" is.
>> In Eastern Europe no one knows what "opinion" is.
>> In South America no one knows what "please" means.
>> In the US no one knows what "rest of the world" means.


------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I could have been The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies Guild (in training)