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Old 11-24-2000, 07:10 PM   #1
freudianslip
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Your Horoscope For Today
========================
by Weird Al


Aquarius!
There's travel in your future
When your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life
By playing Whack-a-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos
With the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance
No matter what those idiots at work say

Aries!
The look on your face will be priceless
When you find that 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf
And give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus!
You will never find true happiness
What you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up
Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini!
Your birthday party will be ruined
Once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble
When your finacee hurks a javelin through your chest

Cancer!
The position of Jupiter says that you should
Spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose
While taking your drivers test

Leo!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
And staple it to your bosses face (Oh no!)
Eat a bucket of tuna flavoured pudding
And wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quick

Virgo!
All virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent
Except for you!
Expect a big surprise today
When you end up with your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable
Or at the very least a bit unlikely
That the relative positions of the planets
And the stars could have a special, deep significance
Or meaning that exclusively applies to only you
But let me give you my assurance
That these forcasts and predictions
Are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence
So you would have to be some kinda moron
Not to realise that every single one of them
Is absolutely true, where was I?

Libra!
A big promotion is just around the corner
For someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine
Remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio!
Get ready for an unexpected trip
When you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem
You stupid freak

Sagittarius!
All your friends are laughing behind your back
Kill them!
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Morgan
You got hanging in your den

Capricorn!
Your stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person
But you know they're lying
If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows
And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's your horoscope for today

Ah, I love this guy. That probably says something about my mental state, doesn't it? hehe
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Old 11-24-2000, 07:25 PM   #2
freudianslip
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Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
You know the place
well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single mornin
It wa driving me crazy

I said to my mom
I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Oh yeah
You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ahhhh

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?
I say "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"WHO IS IT?"
They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said

It said
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
I said "You got any apple fritters?"
He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
I said "You got any bear claws?"
He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
"No, we're outta bear claws"
I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
(rabid gnawing sounds)
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"
I believe it went a little something like this . . .

Doh
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
Oh
No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God
Ah, (more screaming)

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Like a constipated weiner dog
And as luck wouls have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseperable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
I said "Woah, hold on now, baby"
"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' upi for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy
So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bit in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
(screaming sounds)
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandry
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place called

Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said "A" (A)
"L" (L)
"B" (B)
"U" (U)
"querque" (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque

(belch)








* note from Freud...

if I ever meet a girl that can recite this from memory, I will probably marry her on the spot, no questions asked. ROCK!
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Old 11-24-2000, 09:34 PM   #3
Wyvern
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"And another gets on the bus!"

Wyv
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Old 11-24-2000, 09:35 PM   #4
freudianslip
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hey there Wyv! I Knew there was another weird al fan here

how are you?

good turkey day?
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Old 11-24-2000, 10:14 PM   #5
freudianslip
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I'll be the first to admit, we took this land from the Indians.

But gosh darn it, what were they doing with it anyway?

running around, shooting off bows and arrows and using seashells for money!

--(paraphrased excerpt from one of my favorite movies... does anyone know the name of it.. hmmm? brownie points....?)
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Old 11-24-2000, 10:40 PM   #6
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I know you are online but don't know the name of that song.

BUT

Do you know any songs by Al Sherman??

Wyv
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Old 11-24-2000, 10:55 PM   #7
freudianslip
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Al Sherman.. didn't he have something to do with Perry Como back in the 30's or 40's? Probably no close relation to weird al hehehe

Check for 3519366 (ICQ) that's my number on there!
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Old 11-24-2000, 11:36 PM   #8
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Al Sherman - best known for Camp Granada which is hardly his best piece. He did a lot of great songs. I believe he's one of Weird Al's heros!

Wyv
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Old 11-25-2000, 12:01 AM   #9
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Oh wait! I do have that one..from the Dr. Demento album!

"all the counselors.. hate the waiters.. and the lake has.. alligators.. "

that one?
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