Just When I thought everything in my life was right...

[/)eathKiller]

I've been living a pretty good life. Attending college, living care and stress free. I've been doing quite well. My parents have had a loving relationship, my father tends to be whiney some times and I offer my technical experteese whenever he gets into a jam. Well... Today, on Presidents day, after our moods were already put down by the accidental deaths of 21 people due to the use of pepper spray, my DSL goes out. Dial-up appears to be working just fine, and my Dad is begging me to do his taxes on my computer, I connect via Dial-up, and he starts getting into a hissey fit. He starts tearing apart my homework asignments and tossing my orderly computer set up about. He demands to get on with the DSL. So I then attempt to hook the DSL lines up and get it working, my computer prefers dial up, I remove dial-up and only give the computer the choice of using DSL, My Father gets even more mad, pushes me aside and demands to use my workspace to repair the problem himself. I give him full acess to my computer, he deletes more of my Mp3 and Homework files, all to quench his thirst for connecting with DSL to do his taxes, while my DSL isn't even good at that sort of thing. My mother is forced to listen to him scream at the top of his lungs demanding order, while he abuses my computer further and further. I stay calm, cool, and relaxed, and every solution I attempt to play toward him he shoots down and demands a better one, not even willing to try some of my ideas, he goes about trying some of his own, resulting in the complete revamping of my hard drive, the DSL, still doesnt want to bulge. no program on my computer accepts my LAN connection, and I'm still using Dial uP. The reason we have both is because the DSL tends to Charge extra when over 300 megs have been down/up loaded. Well my Father has been so angered by this and his emotional outbursts were so strong that my mother has gone and decided to divorce him. And I'm stuck in the middle, my college funding will probably be going down the drain due to them both sueing eachother until they don't have pennies. I'm getting on a plane to Kyoto next week, to start attending classes, on campus, and outside of Cuba.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get two people together who emmotionally can't stand eachother any more? I realize i'm supposed to be the Psychology major here, but let's face it, these two people have gone beyond all lenghtes of bizareness which I have known.

>_>

yeah...

[Marikai]

Well deathkiller... I'd say something has distrupted your parents relationship for a long time now... say like 12-18 months maybe? simple little things could've been the cause of your father going mad... and your mum going to that next stage in a marriage... divorce...

theyve got to talk about it properly... your mum and dad that is... there meant to be the parents... theyre meant to be showing a good example to you... and divorce is a good thing? i think not! whats the use in sueing eachother till they have nothing left? There would be no point.... your parents need to go over this decision carefully... its one hell of a leap to take, escpecailly when you have siblings...

Ultimately... if thats what your parents have decided, then theres not much we can do... when your a parent, it takes alot more convincing to change the present... your future is at stake deathkiller... your family could break apart.... i hope all goes well for you....

Marikai

[SomeGuy]

Awwww /)eathKiller.....I really don't know what to say! This is awful! Why do bad things always happen to the good people like you. I hope that everything comes out right...for I have no advice to give.Sorry.I'm sorry this had to happen to a good person like you.

[Garnet FalconDance]

Has this problem been building or does it seem sudden onset? Have either of them discussed it with you at any point?

If a relationship has regressed to the point that the two in question can't stand each other any more and are destructive not only to each other but everything and everyone around them (their loved ones--you--especially), then there is no recourse but to leave. Getting them back together would only result in more heartache for all parties. BUT that shouldn't be your concern, /)eathKiller...you have your entire future in front of you and need to look to it.

Sit them down and talk to them as the adults you all are...make them see how destructive their behavior has become and how it is affecting everyone. Surely you can find a relatively non-threatening way. You're not their counselor, but they may need one to work through this angst.

[Bungleau]

As the child of divorced parents (back when I was a wee lad of three), the most important piece of advice that I can give you is that it's not you. It's not your deal, it's not your issue, it's not your problem. The problem and issue belong to your parents.

The fact that something like this blew up (and the fact that taxes aren't due for another... eight weeks) leads me to believe there's more to the story. One single incident doesn't do it (attempts at murder and the like excepted); most likely, something else has been brewing for a while and this was the final piece of the puzzle to bring it to an end.

And believe me, they may have been working at hiding the real problems from you (and any siblings you may have). As a parent now, I don't always let my children (3 and 5) see everything that's going on. As they get older, I'll try to keep them in the loop more, but as a parent, one of your overriding goals is to protect your children and help them to avoid the serious mistakes you made. As a result, your own problems can be hidden easily (at least until they blow up).

But it's your parents' issue, not yours. It took me until I was almost 22 before I realized that my best move when my parents played me against each other was to leave the game. Any conversation that started with "Tell your father..." or "Tell your mother..." ended with "That's between you two. You tell him/her". They didn't like it when I first did it, but it wasn't fair to make me choose one parent or the other. No kid needs that choice, whether they be 3, 23, or 73.

You can suggest they go to counseling, suggest they act like adults, suggest they find the solution to their problems... but don't get too involved in their search for the answer (other than to encourage them). The last thing you want to be is the guy responsible for bringing them back together, and I mean that seriously. Let them know that you love each of them individually and together (assuming you do), and that you will continue to do so even after they resolve their current issues.

You may want to talk to someone that you can trust... a minister, counselor, or other trusted person (say, a favorite professor). Ask if they're willing to be a soundingboard for you, and get their input before you run off to be superman and save the day. As sure as they've got issues, you've got some to deal with now as well, and the usual suspects -- your parents -- won't be good to talk to about what you're going through. I'd avoid most family members for a sounding board; they may tend to support their blood relative first, and only see the dark side of the other parent. You don't need that...

As for school, check with a school finance counselor. There may be a number of other options available for you (although some take time to develop), and there may be scholarship opportunities available as well. I remember when I was back at University... I wouldn't even look at a scholarship application unless it was for $1000 or more. Ya know, it doesn't take a whole lot of those little $250 scholarships to make $1000, and all it would have cost me was an hour's time. One hour, and I could have been paid $250. Go figure.

Good luck.

*B*
Been there, done that. Refused the T-shirt

[Harkoliar]

i really have no words to say really. i can only imagine what you are feeling right now D/K. i have not been in that kind of situation before and i hope i wont be in the future. that kind of thing is one of the worst thing i can imagine to a family. i can only say that you have my deepest condolences and hope that it gets better soon. listen to the experience adults who have gone through that kind of thing also. that is all i can say really. there is nothing else... good luck and hope it will get better soon.

[/)eathKiller]

well thanks for your advice and all... but I applied the Shurman method and they're more in love now than I think ever before, guess I dont have to move away from Cuba just yet [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Ah human minds... so manipulatable...

thanks for everything everyone...

Have a nice week

[Kaltia]

You too, /)K? I'm glad it's working out again for your parents.
But now, your hwk-did u have it saved?

[Marikai]

Im glad it worked out for you Deathkiller... i hope all will be fine within the week

Marikai