Visit the Ironworks Gaming Website Email the Webmaster Graphics Library Rules and Regulations Help Support Ironworks Forum with a Donation to Keep us Online - We rely totally on Donations from members Donation goal Meter

Ironworks Gaming Radio

Ironworks Gaming Forum

Go Back   Ironworks Gaming Forum > Ironworks Gaming Forums > General Discussion

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 09-26-2009, 07:12 AM   #31
Arvon
Unicorn
 

Join Date: October 4, 2001
Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus
Posts: 4,212
Default Re: Joke World 09-01-09

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system -"Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the men's tee".He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.The Voice again - "Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!"He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,"Will the IDIOT on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot"!
__________________



53.7% of all statistics are made up
Arvon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-26-2009, 07:56 AM   #32
VulcanRider
Lord Soth
 

Join Date: July 25, 2002
Location: Melbourne FL
Age: 59
Posts: 1,971
Default Re: Joke World 09-01-09

The Commanding Officer of a regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work and how much of it was pleasure?

The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A captain said it was 50-50.

The colonel's aide, a lieutenant, responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion?

Without hesitation, the young private responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir," the enlisted man said, "if there was any work involved, you officers would have me doing it for you."
__________________

-----
Help feed animals in shelters with just a mouse click at The Animal Rescue Site !!
VulcanRider is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-26-2009, 08:26 AM   #33
VulcanRider
Lord Soth
 

Join Date: July 25, 2002
Location: Melbourne FL
Age: 59
Posts: 1,971
Default Re: Joke World 09-01-09

# Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People .
# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live .
# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits .
# Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks .
# The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed.
# Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
# If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
# When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
# The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
# Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
# CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in realtime.
# Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
# Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
# What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
# Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
# Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
# Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
# A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
# If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
# Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
# Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
# The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
# Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
# Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
# Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
# Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
# Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
# The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
# In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
# According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
# Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.
# The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
# When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
# Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
# Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
# There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
# When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
# A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
# When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
# Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck NorrisRoundhouse Kick)
# How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
# Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
# In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
# Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
# If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
# The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
# Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is noforce equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
__________________

-----
Help feed animals in shelters with just a mouse click at The Animal Rescue Site !!
VulcanRider is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2009, 07:13 AM   #34
Arvon
Unicorn
 

Join Date: October 4, 2001
Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus
Posts: 4,212
Default Re: Joke World 09-01-09

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes
back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses
a note to the Chinaman that says,
"Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.

Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said,
"Use more paper on ass."
__________________



53.7% of all statistics are made up
Arvon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2009, 06:54 AM   #35
Arvon
Unicorn
 

Join Date: October 4, 2001
Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus
Posts: 4,212
Default Re: Joke World 09-01-09

A real oldie...

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your
secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case
of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six."
__________________



53.7% of all statistics are made up
Arvon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2009, 06:59 AM   #36
Arvon
Unicorn
 

Join Date: October 4, 2001
Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus
Posts: 4,212
Default Re: Joke World 09-01-09

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside an operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

"A circumcision," the first kid answers.

"Whoa!" the second kid says. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year."
__________________



53.7% of all statistics are made up
Arvon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2009, 01:09 PM   #37
Xanthul
Symbol of Cyric
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Outside my place
Age: 42
Posts: 1,283
Default Re: Joke World 09-01-09

PG...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says:

Ham sandwich - 2$
Veggies sandwich - 3$
Cheese sandwich - 3$
Handjob - 5$

He takes a seat and a beautiful blonde waiter comes.

- Hello, are you the one in charge of handjobs here?
- Yes, what would you like?
- That you wash your hands before making my ham sandwich.
__________________
Previously known as Ertai_OHF

Last edited by Xanthul; 09-29-2009 at 01:16 PM.
Xanthul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2009, 05:37 PM   #38
VulcanRider
Lord Soth
 

Join Date: July 25, 2002
Location: Melbourne FL
Age: 59
Posts: 1,971
Default Re: Joke World 09-01-09

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica -- where do they go?

Wonder no more! -- It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

'Freeze a jolly good fellow'.

Then they kick him in the ice hole.
__________________

-----
Help feed animals in shelters with just a mouse click at The Animal Rescue Site !!
VulcanRider is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-2009, 06:54 AM   #39
Arvon
Unicorn
 

Join Date: October 4, 2001
Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus
Posts: 4,212
Default Re: Joke World 09-01-09

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"
__________________



53.7% of all statistics are made up
Arvon is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Joke World 11-1-08 Arvon General Discussion 53 11-30-2008 10:28 AM
Joke World 10-1-08 Arvon General Discussion 58 10-31-2008 07:22 AM
Joke World 09-01-08 Arvon General Discussion 56 09-30-2008 03:41 PM
Joke World 10-1 Arvon General Discussion 25 10-28-2007 10:30 AM
Joke World 8-27 Arvon General Discussion 10 09-03-2007 11:34 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:32 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
©2024 Ironworks Gaming & ©2024 The Great Escape Studios TM - All Rights Reserved