Joke World 06-01-09

[Arvon]

During Marine Basic Training Camp a Captain received information that the mother of one of the recruits had passed away. The Captain calls Sergeant Black into his office and tells him, "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died."

"Yes Sir!" says Black. That morning as the men were lined up Black bellows out, "Hup, hey, ho, ho. Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack.

A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black, you need to tell Private Smith his mother died. But this time use some tact. I don't want to lose another good recruit.

"Yes Sir!" Black answers.

This time when the men are lined up Black yells out, "Okay. All you men with living mothers take one step forward - NOT SO FAST, SMITH!"

[Arvon]

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'

'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'

[Arvon]

You May Be A Taliban if... you refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to beer; you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher but you can't afford shoes; you have more wives than teeth; you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon unclean; you only know of two styles of vests: bulletproof or suicide; you can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against; you routinely carry explosives in your clothing but consider television dangerous; you were amazed to learn that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs; you have nothing against women and think every man should own some; you have a crush on your neighbor's goat!

[Arvon]

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

[Arvon]

A Parable

Jose and Maria were driving down a lane outside of town when Jose pulled the car to the side of the road and stopped. He got out of the car and ripped the backseat out of the car and threw it on the ground. He then dragged Maria out of the car and threw her on the backseat and ripped her clothes off. He said " Maria I'm going to rape you!!!" She looked up at him with her big brown eyes and said, "Looks like".

The moral of this story is:

When any politican says he's going to give you free health care, food, housing or whatever, you should look at him and say "Looks like".

[Xanthul]

Three friends die in a car crash and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter starts talking to them.

- You, John, haven't been too good in life. You cheated on your wife 37 times, so you will move around in heaven in this old, broken car.
- You, Richard, have been better but still cheated on your wife 3 times. You will have this Ford which works pretty well.
- You, Jeffrey, were perfect. You never cheated on your wife and always treated her with respect. Have this full equip Bentley with leather seats.

They all leave to explore heaven and a couple of days later they meet in an intersection. John and Richard are surprised to see Jeffrey crying in his Bentley.

- Hey what's going on? How can you be so sad with your Bentley?
- Oh man... I just saw my wife riding a freaking BICYCLE

[Arvon]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

Surprised, the pharmacist asks, "Madam, what do you want with arsenic?"

The woman replies that she wants to kill her husband.

Horrified, the pharmacist says, "Madam, I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The woman reaches into her handbag, takes out a photograph and lays it down on the counter. The photo shows a man and a woman in a sexually compromising position. The man is her husband. The pharmacist recognises his wife as the woman in the photograph.

The pharmacist picks up the photo and nods, "Ah, madam, I didn't realise you had a prescription."

[Arvon]

You know you're from Canada when ...

1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
10.You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
11.You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12.The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13.At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
14.The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15.Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
16.You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
17.You head south to go to your cottage.
18.You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears
won't prowl on your deck.
19.You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20.The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
21.You find -40C a little chilly.
22.The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
23.You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorrels.
24.You can play road hockey on skates.
25.You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
26.The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
27.You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
28.You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".
29.You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.

[Luvian]

I think it didn't really manage to poke fun at Canadians. It missed the mark, in my opinion. Most of it is just made up stuff, I certainly didn't "get" most of them.

[Kezardin]

Originally Posted by Luvian I think it didn't really manage to poke fun at Canadians. It missed the mark, in my opinion. Most of it is just made up stuff, I certainly didn't "get" most of them.

You're fortunate, Luvian - most of these apply to moi

You know you're Australian if ...


1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'.
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.
10. You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.

11. You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
12. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.
15. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
19. You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread.
20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'.
23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'.
25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
29. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.
30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'.
32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.
35. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.
37. You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'.
43. You know that 'aerial ping-pong' is not the national sport of China.
44. You know that a billabong has nothing to do with illegal drugs.
45. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

Strewth, cobber, wodda bewdy bottla, by crikey !!!