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Old 03-05-2001, 01:46 AM   #1
Grebki
Elite Waterdeep Guard
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Posts: 41
I've heard rumors about this mythical post, but I haven't been able to find it (the search feature on the old board is, um, not very good (that was politely put, wasn't it.) Could someone please repost it, or tell me where to find it.

Thanks,
Grebki (FHO wannabe)


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Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. And then I went and made at least three of them come true before lunch.
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Old 03-05-2001, 02:51 AM   #2
turbovee
Elminster
 

Join Date: March 2, 2001
Location: Eglin AFB Florida
Posts: 471
LADEEEEZ ANDAH GENTELEMENS.

ROLL UP ROLL UP

CHARLIES "LOOK AT THE SHITE I'M LEFT WITH" STORE IS NOW OPEN FOR YOUR PERUSAL. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO HANDLE THE GOODS AND COMPARE TO ANY CRAP THAT YOU MAY HAVE ACCUMULATED. NEVER HAS SUCH A POOR SHOPPING EXPERIENCE BEEN BOUGHT TO THE PUBLIC AT SUCH A HIGH PRICE. ALL ITEMS HAVE BEEN DUG FROM THE BOWELS OF THE ADVENTURERS BAG AND ARE UNCLAIMED BY THEIR MURDERED FORMER OWNERS. CHARLIES STORE OF TOTALLY SHITE AND USELESS ACCUMULATED PAPERWORK IS UNLIKELY TO OPEN DUE TO THE TYPING INVOLVED.

YOU CAN BID FOR ITEMS, MAKE OFFERS AND SUGGESTIONS AS TO HOW TO PUT AN ITEM TO GOOD USE, IF THEY MAKE ME LAUGH ENOUGH I'LL PRETEND TO SEND THE ITEM TO YOU. PLEASE KEEP YOUR RECEIPTS AND BE AWARE THAT THIEVES OPERATE IN THIS STORE AT ALL TIMES. COUNT YOUR CHANGE BEFORE LEAVING AS MISTAKES WILL ONLY BE LAUGHED ABOUT FOR ABSOLUTELY AGES.

ROLL UP, ROLL UP

THE STORE OF TOTALLY USELESS SHITE IS OPEN.


CHARLIES INCREDIBLY SHITE SPECIALS -

FESTULE THE ALCHEMISTS POTION - Not sure about this one - Offers.
SHORT SWORD OF BACKSTABBING - Careful you don't get stabbed back - offers.
SHADOW DRAGON WARDSTONE - All your Dragon problems solved - will swap for almost anything.
LOCK OF JAHEIRAS HAIR - Hmmm, curly watch spring consistency, very rough, ok to remove rust from your sword - offers.
PATROL LEADERS HELMET - Not sure who castrated the patrol leader...eh,..oh..err, helmet.. for the wearing of - offers.
JANSEN TECHNO GLOVES - Like Techno music..Jan did. Gloves for the wearing of. Will px for two swedes and a turnip.
EMPTY POTION BOTTLE - Incredible invention. Put your choice of potion in it. Can't believe no-ones thought of it before.
CONTROL CIRCLET X2 - Bladder problems? Losing control? Not no more. Tremendous innovation.- Serious offers only.
PIECE OF RED CLOTH - Angry bull trouble, might as well wind the f****r up properly then. Great fun.- Serious offers only.
CORRUPTED TADPOLES - Brilliant fun. Will accept bribes and look the other way. A great way to piss off frog policemen.Offers.
BRACERS OF BINDING - Never seen em, couldn't get em out of the bag. Won't tie you down to a price for these. Offers.
FAKE REBELS HEART - Everything about this is fake...it's a lung. offers.
FAKE DRAGONS EGGS - Sit on em & for around 200 yrs..lo & behold your very own fake dragon. (May resemble a Newt) Offers.
TREE OF LIFE NUTS - Believe that...Believe anything. Jack & the Beanstalk was bollox too. Acorns from honest Charlies.
ELVEN HOLY WATER - Not now. Drunk it, refilled with finest bogwater. Beware of small particles. Will swap for raw sewage.
BRINE POTION X2 - Dunno who Brian is but we got two of his potions for sale - Stinks. Long distance offers only.
ANKHEG SHELL X2 - Started life as Ankheg omelettes but we got hungry. All we got left is the shells. Offers.
STAFF OF CURING - May be the staff of pickling, they got muddled in transit. You pays yer money...will swap for stick.
PIXIE PRICK +3 - Poor Pixie huh. +3 is its... erm.. extension. Supplied with rubber gloves. Don't tell Mrs Pixie.
DEMON HEART X2 - Didn't know they had one eh.... They ain't now. offers.
MONTARONS BODY - We asked if he wanted it but he didn't reply so we're selling it for him. Will px for stuffed parrot.
WORN OUT BOOTS - No more new boot blisters. We've taken the leg work out of breaking in these new boots for you. offers.
ILITHID SERUM - Sick Ilithid in the family....This'll kill him stone dead. You're Ilithid nursing problems solved. offers.
MELTHIDS HARP - Total mystery. Lugged this about for months. Send Melthid round, I wanna kick his arse. offers of violence.
WOODEN STAKE - Only available in medium rare and well done. Personally I wooden buy them. Will px for a T bone.
DOG BONES X2 - Fido poorly. Insert these skeletal remnants in his backside and he'll be up and running around in no time.
HAND OF DACE - A fun if somewhat smelly bathtime addition. Novelty loofah from honest Charlies. offers.
REBELS ORB - Supplied with now un-needed Rebels monacle. Will swap for broken specs.
WAVE SHAFT - Sexually explicit and I've never tried a wave shaft. Supplied with manual. Will px for Karma Sutra.
HELMET - definitely for the wearing of. 1gp.
STAFF - Short staffed? Not any more. Your own team of poorly paid professionals ready to go. Ok ok... it's a stick. offers.
COAL - Rub two pieces together.....instant fire. We couldn't get it to work but we know it burns. Will accept matches in px.
PIPE - Assorted. Smoking, lead, copper and drain...all available at honest Charlies. offers.

CHARLIES VERY SHITE INDEED BOOK DEPARTMENT -

VAMPIRICUS OMNIBUS: UNABRIDGED - Get your teeth into this. A mighty tome yet completely non understandable. px for dentures.
UMAR WITCH PROJECT JOURNAL - Which witch, which project? We've no idea. Nor will you have. Confusing fun for all.
HISTORY OF THE RED RAVENS - Started life as black ones but upset us. Title modified accordingly, sudden ending involved.
HISTORY OF THE ZHENTARIM - Never heard of em, have you. Free.... for a large cash donation.
BOOK OF KING STROHM III - Parts I & II are missing. The start & middle were shit anyway. This is the best of the trilogy.
HISTORY OF THE DROW X2 - Two part book. History before and after I met them. Part two is rather thin and empty. offers.
CONJUR OTA SERVANTA - Another mystery. Something about conjuring up servants we think. Will swap for any form of smut.
GOLEM BUILDING BOOK - Want that conservatory built. Let your Golem read this. He'll be out building in all weathers.
DEA VAMPIR BELOMOS - What's with these cultured vampires. Biting necks and garlic fearing is a vampires job. Not reading.
TOME OF AMAUNATOR - No pictures at all. Boring read. Will swap for smutty video or old newspapers.
MERELLAS JOURNAL - Very boring as well. Will swap for Lellyns Journal.
ORCISH COOKBOOK - Ever wanted to cook an Orc? This book shows you how to make the most of those orc leftovers. 101 recipes.
LELLYNS JOURNAL - Very, very boring indeed. Will swap for Merellas Journal.

CHARLIES SHITE & TOTALLY USELESS KEY SALE - SALE NOW ON....SALE NOW ON....SALE NOW ON....SALE NOW ON....SALE NOW ON.

SHADOW THIEF CELLAR KEY - Sorry, someones stolen this one from us. Reward available.
MAEVARS STRONG BOX KEY - It was a strong box too. Could support the weight of an elephant....for a second. Item obsolete.
PLANAR PRISON CELL KEY - Won't get you in, won't let you out. Rib tickling bemusement for any silly enough to attempt it.
FIRKRAGG PRISON KEY - He don't need it, we don't want it. Be the envy of your friends with a dead dragons key. offers.
TRADEMEET TOMB KEY - People were dying to get in here, most have. Be the life & soul of any tomb with this key.
GUILDHOUSE KEY - Novelty key with door still attatched. We booted it down when it wouldn't open.
GALVENAS KEY - Had it for six months, Galvena never claimed it. Charlies Key now. Could be yours too....offers.
CHAPEL KEY - Brothers, sisters...let us pray...... That someone is silly enough to buy it from us....Amen. offers.
SEWER KEY - Completely unloseable due to the stench. Leave at home if going on a thieving spree. offers.
GAALS KEY - Galls us to know that we've got it, now you can have it too. offers.
KEEP KEY - That's what it said....so we did. You can keep it at a very reasonable but extortionate price. offers.


CHARLIES UTTERLY SHITE CHEAP LOOKING JEWELLERY DEPARTMENT -

KURTULMAKS CRYSTAL SHARD - If you knew where on Kurtulmak we extracted this from you wouldn't want it. So we won't tell you.
CHUNK OF ILITHIUM ALLOY - A particularly fine example of rusted shite craftsmanship. Warning...turns skin green.offers.
DENNIS' MOTHERS GONG - We thought he said Dennis' mothers gone. Now the gong has. Aromatic tinware at it's poorest. offers.
SYMBOL OF AMAUNATOR - Sadly all that remains of the legendary Drum Kit of Amaunator. Sounds shite, looks worse. offers.
GALVENAS MEDALLION - Nope, it's Charlies. Legally stolen and constantly fenced. Ask my lawyer. Offers.
RING OF CLUMSINESS - Sold this loads of times. Usually dropped within seconds of purchase. My favourite floggable item.
ADAMANTINE DUST X2 - Dust collection looking old? Naval fluff a bit dank? Liven up your useless dust collection with this.
HARPER AMULET - Annoy your friendly neighbourhood Harpers by committing atrocities and gloating in this tacky accessory.
MITHRIL TOKEN - Take token to your local Mithril store & exchange for the Mithrilware of your choice. Limited outlets.
ANARGS CUP - Exclusive item. He lost it and died of thirst. Make sure you don't. First come, first served. Limited stock.
LIGHT GEM - Not to be confused with the heavy gem of a totally different name. Not worth a carrot, but we'll accept one.
PENDANT - Loose terminology applied here, very very loose in fact. Look a total tit when wearing this out. offers.

THIS IS A STORE ANNOUNCEMENT - THIS POOR QUALITY CRAPHOLE WILL BE CLOSING VERY SHORTLY. IF YOU'VE FAILED TO PURCHASE OR PURLOIN ANY OF OUR VERY LOW QUALITY MERCHANDISE ON THIS OCCASION THEN PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COME BACK TOMMORROW AND ATTEMPT AGAIN. ALL STOCK MUST GO....I REPEAT..ALL STOCK MUST GO. PLEASE LET ALL THE STOCK GO....PLEASE.

ALTERNATIVELY PLEASE ENTER YOUR BIDS AND SUGGESTIONS, WHICH I HASTEN TO ADD WILL BE TREATED WITH ABSOLUTELY NO CONFIDENTIALITY WHATSOEVER IN THE BIDS, ABUSIVE COMMENTS AND FUNNY SUGGESTIONS SECTION DIRECTLY BELOW THIS PAGE.

I THENKYOH.

Is this what you're looking for
The rest of the thread should be in the BG2 forum I bumped it for you
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Old 03-05-2001, 09:01 AM   #3
Lord of Alcohol
Xanathar Thieves Guild
 

Join Date: January 8, 2001
Location: Charlotte,NC
Age: 53
Posts: 4,560
I've read that a dozen times and Charlies masterpiece still kills me
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Old 03-05-2001, 09:14 AM   #4
WOLFGIR
Bastet - Egyptian Cat Goddess
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Sweden
Age: 43
Posts: 3,450
Turbovee!! GREAT!!!!

------------------

::WOLFGIR::
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Old 03-05-2001, 12:52 PM   #5
Grebki
Elite Waterdeep Guard
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Posts: 41
Thanks. I'm gettin' in my car now, to speed down to Charlie's, narrowly missing assorted pedestrians and other cars in my mad dash to get to the sale (I beleive the most common cause of road rage is the potential of being late to the urgent 10% off lint sales we have now and then.)

-Grebki


------------------
Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. And then I went and made at least three of them come true before lunch.
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Old 03-05-2001, 01:33 PM   #6
Black Knight
Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Delaware OH USA
Age: 40
Posts: 3,168
I'd forgotten how funny that list really was. (wipes tear away) whew.

BK
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Old 03-05-2001, 04:05 PM   #7
Patriarch
Elite Waterdeep Guard
 

Join Date: March 3, 2001
Location: N. Somerset, England
Age: 32
Posts: 29
Quote:
Originally posted by Lord of Alcohol:
I've read that a dozen times and Charlies masterpiece still kills me
Every time! It's all the things you think about useless items in the game written down!

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Thou Shalt be punished... I think
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Old 03-05-2001, 04:36 PM   #8
Epona
Zartan
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: London, England
Age: 46
Posts: 5,162
Thankx folks,
Grebki: for reminding us all
Turbovee: for finding it!


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Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
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Old 03-05-2001, 06:40 PM   #9
turbovee
Elminster
 

Join Date: March 2, 2001
Location: Eglin AFB Florida
Posts: 471
Your all quite welcome. I get a huge kick out of it myself. It's a true work of art
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Old 03-05-2001, 07:47 PM   #10
Stealthy
Avatar
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Dundee in Bonnie Scotland
Posts: 543
Thank you Turbovee, but most of all Charlie. Hopefully everyone will understand my sig now!

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Charlie's S-Plan diet is no better than his invisibility potion!
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